Am I being mugged off by DP

[Maccaj78]

I have been with my DP for 14 Years which have not been easy. He has always been difficult unless he is getting what's he wants. He has never worked and I do each month he takes my wages and then tells me what I am allowed to have and then I practically have to beg for it. I earn good money yet he always insists we have none. My money pays all bills and food and he says he doesn't have anything yet there are always online packages arriving. He screams if I ask when he got them as he got them with his own money lol!! The other I questioned this again and he told me to get out of his house (which I pay for) knowing I have no where to go and that I have only just handed him my wages. I then looked into an old email of mine that he is using and found hundreds of online receipts from DH Gate and eBay as he constantly tells me he never gets anything. He just told me they were things he sent back.. lies because his wardrobe (which I rarely go in) is full of brand new clothes in packets he told he just likes stuff. He wears the same thing everyday!! He said I'm ungrateful for the thing I have and greedy and don't want to buy him anything.
AIBU for thinking I'm being used and mugged off

Translation - I'm a clueless twat who knows fuck all about abuse and what it does to the victim.

Speak to a manager as suggested. Get documents and your items together, put them in your handbag, and say you’ve been called into the office for a meeting. Contact a letting agent. Do you have any family?

Gradually move stuff out the house, by stealth.

Gather paperwork, birth certificates and passport, bank account info.

Let work know you are looking at leaving and if they can offer help.

Inform the police that you are sorting an evacuation plan, so that are aware and can place a marker on your address if things go wrong.

When I had to flee a coersive/abusive relationship my work was amazing. (He also worked there). They worked out what was going on and kept him in work one day so I could go home (house in his name only), pack my stuff up (did have help) and go.
Admit it was an easier situation as it hadn't been as long, I had support and somewhere to go.
You can do this.......

This is serious financial abuse which you are being subjected to OP, to refer to it as being 'mugged off' is a massive understatement. This man's treatment of you is just grotesque.

You need rl help and support. I urge you to get it from all the sources which have been suggested on here - Womens Aid, your employer, friends & family. Financial abuse is recognised as a criminal offence so you can also contact the police on this. You need to leave him and do whatever it takes to get away from him. I think you will thrive when you do.

You are not being "mugged off", you are being emotionally and financially abused.

You are not being ‘mugged off’ but you are being abused. You need to get out if
there somehow, with your work laptop. Do you have family that are aware? Would they put you up? You need to get out of there, you only have one life and you’re currently spending it supporting this total arsehole so he can do naff all!

Please be careful.

Leaving is a dangerous time.

Consider making a safety plan with your local domestic abuse charity.

He is committing a criminal offense. Would you talk with the police? Even to get a restraining order as I don't imagine his "meal ticket" leaving is going to go down well.

Take care x

Is this for real? why does he not work?

Would you choose to work if you could find a gig like this

Set up a new bank account and start having your salary paid into it.

Is your name on this bank account? If it is, empty it and go when you are ready.

WomensAid may be able to help you find temporary accommodation if family and friends can’t put you up for a bit.

❤️

Yes it's horrible for OP

Stop giving him your money. He is controlling and financially abusing you. If the tenancy is in his name, get your stuff together and leave. Stay with a friend, book an Airbnb, go to family - just get away from him. Get advice from CAB, Women's Aid, if you're not sure of your rights. Please OP don't stay and put up with this another minute.

Bloody hell, yes.
Bastard.
Is this real?
😡

14 years of this has ground you down and robbed you of confidence so that you feel powerless. You are not!
He WFH so I get that it's difficult but I think you should plan carefully
Invent a work trip, team event , extended project working from your office, whatever seems most likely.
Pack things very slowly and collect important documents
Stuff can be replaced secondhand when you're settled
Google financial abuse + your bank name. Banks have a helpline and you can then open a new account
Get your salary transferred there
Stay with a family member/ friend until you can find accommodation and begin your new life where you are free to make your own choices and decisions.

Take copies of every single bit of paperwork and give them to someone you can trust before you give any inkling you're about to leave (ditto jewelery) Then when you leave, do it very fast, have a plan. Maybe ask someone to be there with you while you pack the essentials so you can do it without interference. Good Luck OP.

This is really serious abuse - you need to be absolutely determined to leave and not come back? If you are not there yet - make time to get yourself in a position to see is happening and what a completely nasty piece of work he is.

You can call the police again and speak to their DV team, I have worked with families where the police have come, and escorted the family out with their possessions. If he hides things tell the police.

Refer yourself to adult safeguarding for DV/ financial abuse, by your partner.

If you want to leave you may have to make refuge work for you I know it’s noisy and difficult to work in their but can you go to a local library/ cafe to work.

Can you pretend you have to go into work one day and leave then?

Things will be difficult and inconvenient but you need to make it work - while you save a small deposit for a flat.

The moment you leave you pay him nothing- he is as the tenant on the contract liable for payment.

Please read what is being said here - not ONE person is saying stay- everyone has the same opinion!!

Please leave, stay safe and take care x

I'm now doing really well at work and I have always taken great care of myself now I turned 45 and i don't know how to turn things around.

Good for you OP!!

I cannot imagine why you’d want to be in this relationship.

Why is being single worse than this?

Imagine living alone and focusing on yourself and your career.
Imagine getting paid and having 100% of the money to do whatever you want with.
Imagine having friends and hobbies.
Imagine having stress-free holidays away with friends or by yourself.
Imagine living in a home that is just yours and not having to walk around on egg shells.

This is such a scary thread to read but I believe you are finally ready to be strong and leave him.

Do you have any support in real life?

Does your earnings go into your account or his?

Do you ever go out without him?
Like shopping or into the office?

Oh come on. You're more than being mugged off. It is time to get rid. More than past time.

When you decide to get rid there will be lots of people to support you emotionally and practically and I really hope you decide very soon.

I am saying you're unreasonable because there is no-one I have ever met who thinks that staying in this arrangement is in any way feasible. Kick this loser out, keep your salary and enjoy your life. You've entertained this nonsense for long enough.

Look for a room in a house share initially, just to get you out of where you're living with him. Don't tell him your plans, just leave when he's not there. Do it in stages, if possible. When you're in your new place, you can make plans to rent your own accommodation and move on with your life.

He's an absolute thief for taking your money. Sounds like he's got big problems. You don't have to tolerate someone like that.

Firstly I would open a new bank account that he knows nothing about and get work to pay your salary in there. Move any of your personal direct debits like phone or car if it’s in your name. Cancel the old accounts and if the utilities are in your name let them know you are moving out.

If you can re establish contact with anyone that would be better if you could go to them but if not I would suggest you look at renting a room for a few months until you can save up for a rental deposit or buying a house.

I would also sneak out some items out of the house if you can and then go for a training/team building few days taking your work lap top and as many of your things as you can get away with.

You need to start investing in yourself and get your confidence back. I would look at therapy and at how best to take back control of your life.

I wouldn’t tell him you are leaving until you have gone and then if possible collect the rest of your things with someone else and tell him in writing not to contact you. You could talk with the police to see if there is likely to be a case that would be prosecutable.

You need to get out.

Wow I almost don't belive what I just read.That's your money and your house you pay for it.You are defintely being abused.Why.did you let him controlyour money in the first place?
Hope you get some good advise about how you can untangle yourself and get away from this man.

How can he be the lead tenant with no income? He wouldn't pass any checks.

Hmmmm 🤔

Please believe this is not normal, this is financial abuse. You deserve better.