Am I being mugged off by DP

[Maccaj78]

I have been with my DP for 14 Years which have not been easy. He has always been difficult unless he is getting what's he wants. He has never worked and I do each month he takes my wages and then tells me what I am allowed to have and then I practically have to beg for it. I earn good money yet he always insists we have none. My money pays all bills and food and he says he doesn't have anything yet there are always online packages arriving. He screams if I ask when he got them as he got them with his own money lol!! The other I questioned this again and he told me to get out of his house (which I pay for) knowing I have no where to go and that I have only just handed him my wages. I then looked into an old email of mine that he is using and found hundreds of online receipts from DH Gate and eBay as he constantly tells me he never gets anything. He just told me they were things he sent back.. lies because his wardrobe (which I rarely go in) is full of brand new clothes in packets he told he just likes stuff. He wears the same thing everyday!! He said I'm ungrateful for the thing I have and greedy and don't want to buy him anything.
AIBU for thinking I'm being used and mugged off

Just a caution - I would ensure you are gone, out of the house, with all your important paperwork/stuff BEFORE he finds out your wages are no longer being paid into his account/an account he can access.

He may not be violent now, but a sudden change in 'how things are' may trigger it, and whipping the rug out from under him by stopping the cash flow is a biggie..

In a way though he HAS done you a favour in insisting the tenancy is in his name - you absolutely can just up and leave with relative ease. Find somewhere cheap to go, tell someone where you work, ask for help.. but GO and then change where your money goes so he can't get his hands on it.

Geez, you’re married to my ex. Get out.
I was in the same situation with four children and a self entitled lazy cunt with heaven knows how many guitars (11), never cooked a dinner, demanded nice clothes, never looked after his own kids. He was arrested and charged with controlling and coercive behaviour. Get hold of your local women’s aid group. They will help you.

Exactly what I was going to say. Can you stay with friends and family until you get yourself sorted? If you can, then explain it to them and go now, right now.

If not, then wait till your next pay day, then check into a B&B and don't go back.

.

Op, whilst I feel sorry for you, it’s also frustrating to read your post, as you sound switched on - you have held down a job, and seem pretty upbeat, and yet here you are handing your monthly pay over to your partner and literally letting him control you so blatantly. You should plan your exit - get your wages diverted to your own sole account, line up another tenancy to happen just before yourges are paid so he doesn’t twig, then gather your possessions and walk out of there. He must leave the house at some point, so just plan it, and get out. What a nasty sounding twat he is.

You're not being used. You're being abused.

yes this is what I’m thinking too. I don’t understand any of it. How did this situation ever come about?

Do you come from an abusive background /childhood? @Maccaj78 I’m wondering why anyone woman in this day and age would put up with this for one second?

You’re declaring that you’re being “submissive” to a man you’re not married to who isn’t even a provider/contributor to the household and clearly has no respect for you or your autonomy . Why did you ever think this was a good idea?

Do any of your family/friends know about this? Surely if he took your stuff to his Dads house you could’ve just reported him to the police.

I’m so very sorry for you and I hope you get all the therapy and support you need, but I’m just a bit confused by it all 😵‍💫

Oh pet, this is horrific. This is what abusers do. They isolate you and tear you done so it feels like there is no way out. They are extremely manipulative and dangerous.

You may think you have no one but that's not true. He has isolated you from people who would help if they knew what was really going on.

You have zero ties to him, no children and no lease.

You have the income. You need to get it transferred to you own account and leave. Take what you can and go.

Talk to women's aid again.
Does your work have an EAP that could help you?

You need just one person one your side and they will help you get out if you can't do it alone. He has deliberately made you feel that there is no alternative but that's not true. People do escape, they really do.

Do you have siblings, family, trusted friends? Even if those relationships soured over the years, they can be rebuild. It took my friend 12 years to leave and our friendship had dropped in that time. I didn't know the half of it but when she called me I was there. Please reach out to anyone you can.

I’m cringing reading this x he is financially and emotionally abusing you . Please contact the police and have him removed from the house . People like him will kick up a fuss big time if they are told no . O bet he will become violent if you went against him . Do you have kids ? Please you need to leave that relationship asap .

If the tenancy is in his name, take your hard earned salary and run. You have no liability here.

and please get police, women’s aid or any support you have involved to help you leave and re-establish yourself . The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is just before, during or after she leaves. You don’t know how this man will react. It’s very fortunate you don’t have kids with this man. You can make a clean break.

I agree.

Plan it with a friend/family member and one day when you’re planning to go and do the shopping or need to go into the office, just leave.

Take your bank card and phone but nothing else is immediately important.
(You will probably need your work laptop too).

If you need anything else then ask a friend to collect it or even ask to meet him in a public place like Asda carpark.

Once you leave that home, do not go back and do not ever be alone with him.

He could potentially be violent but it’s also very obvious that he has you wrapped around his little finger and knows exactly what to do and say to get you back.

If you are a decent earner, then consider getting a cheap B&B or hotel.

As you WFH then you just need somewhere with free wifi and perhaps somewhere a couple of hours away so he can’t find you and you won’t be fooled into meeting up with him.

Are you allowed to leave the house OP, you say you work from home and he is always there. I don't think alot of people on this thread are truly comprehending the seriousness of your dilemna, not much good suggesting squirrelling stuff away if you've got no where to squirrel it to.

She said she struggled working out of a refuge before when she last tried to leave and was forced to return to her abuser.

Can anyone suggest something that might help the OP in this situation, we have to assume the OP has zero support network, family or friends or anywhere else to stay if she had to stay in a refuge on her first leaving attempt.

If you have a good job OP there might be an EAP you can access, or if you have a good line manager or HR person perhaps confide that your partner is controlling your wages and you are being financially abused. Sending massive hugs OP. I hope you can get away from him this time. Xx

Open another account. Tell your work to pay wages into there. The day you get your wages pack a suitcase and go stay in a hotel.and change your number. Cancel all direct debits that aren't your responsibility any more and don't look back. Tell work they are not to give him any info.

Do not tell him your plans. I bet he wouldn't even notice until he needs something. So very calmly on wages day. Pack a large bag with necessities. Pick up your laptop and walk out the door.

You need to go and you need to go now. This man is an abusive bastard. You think he loves you but he doesn't, he is making an absolute fool out of you. Phone someone you trust and get help. Do not let him know you are leaving until you are away and safe.

FFS. Why do women do this to themselves? Get some bloody self respect and throw the dickhead out. Then get therapy.

What he hasn’t worked in 14 years and you have totally supported him throughout. Come on op where do you think he is getting his money from.And you hand your money over to him.
What is wrong with you get shut of him.
What are your circumstances I take it you are in rented.
Find out how fast you can give notice.

This is one of the saddest things I've read on here in a while. Go into a police station tomorrow and ask for help removing him. Please don't live like this, you are wasting your one and only life.

You are not being mugged off!!

You need to get another job so you can give him more money. Stop being so stingy.

And show more patience. Do you want him to leave you for another donkey?

I voted yabu because you're allowing this to be happen.

This!

People need to just stop being so awful to Op, she isn't allowing this to happen, she is being abused, coerced and controlled, you have no idea what her life is like, what he is like when pushed.

Give her helpful advice to get out this situation or don't bother posting

How can people be so nasty on here

YABU for even questioning it - even the living off your earnings & doing nothing, he's a massive CF - even without the concealed shopaholic tendancies

She didn't fucking do this to herself HE DID! Stop being a victim blaming aresbag and have a bloody word with yourself!

Dump him, get legal advise and get the abuser out of your life. You will have peace of mind, your own money to spend and a peaceful home. He is a waste of space to be honest and you need to talk to Women's Aid who will advise you also and give you support. Tell your family/friends also and have someone there when you pack up all his crap you paid for and put it on the doorstep outside. Time to regain control of your life as he is adding nothing to it.