Am I being mugged off by DP

[Maccaj78]

I have been with my DP for 14 Years which have not been easy. He has always been difficult unless he is getting what's he wants. He has never worked and I do each month he takes my wages and then tells me what I am allowed to have and then I practically have to beg for it. I earn good money yet he always insists we have none. My money pays all bills and food and he says he doesn't have anything yet there are always online packages arriving. He screams if I ask when he got them as he got them with his own money lol!! The other I questioned this again and he told me to get out of his house (which I pay for) knowing I have no where to go and that I have only just handed him my wages. I then looked into an old email of mine that he is using and found hundreds of online receipts from DH Gate and eBay as he constantly tells me he never gets anything. He just told me they were things he sent back.. lies because his wardrobe (which I rarely go in) is full of brand new clothes in packets he told he just likes stuff. He wears the same thing everyday!! He said I'm ungrateful for the thing I have and greedy and don't want to buy him anything.
AIBU for thinking I'm being used and mugged off

I voted that you are being unreasonable, because why on earth did you even get into this relationship? You said yourself he has always been difficult. No one forced you to have a relationship with this man.

No children but I work from home so he is always here. I have tried to leave in the past and ask police for help to collect my things but he literally hid my world laptop and all my treasured possession at his dad's house so had to return if I was to continue working. I have tried refuge but couldn't work and it was really hard

Do you have children with him?

You have a job. You have options although I appreciate it doesn't feel like it.
Stuff is only stuff at the end of the day. If you walk out of that house with just the clothes on your back you will still be free.

Contact womens aid or your country's equivalent if you aren't in England

X post.

No children is good.

He has worked hard to convince you you have no power and no choice because you believing that is the only way he can control you but it's not true.

You can get away. You can rebuild.

https://www.hsbc.co.uk/help/money-worries/financial-abuse/

All of the banks do this. So whoever you bank with, google them "bankname+financial abuse" and follow their instructions. If you have no bank accounts at all in your name, then follow the road to open an account with them.

Do you have family or a friend who can help you to do a moonlight flit with some bags with your most precious possessions?

Sorry OP, you are in an incredibly coercive and abusive relationship. Some of the comments haven’t been kind, from personal experience once you’re in this type of situation, it’s incredibly difficult to leave, and abusers have a way of gaslighting you into feeling that you are the problem.

It’s good that the tenancy is just in his name, this will be one less way that you can control you. Do you have any friends or family nearby that you could stay with temporarily? If so the best thing would be to leave with your stuff asap (when he is out) then once you are in a place of safety you could start looking for somewhere more permanent to rent by yourself. If not then Woman’s aid may be able to put you in contact with a more local domestic abuse organisation who can provide practical support in terms of leaving. Please do call Women’s aid regardless of whether you have any support in real life close by.

Men didn't treat women like this in the 1920s.

Change the bank detail your wages go into.

his is the sole name on the tendency so you have no requirement to pay.

spend the next month looking at bills and what provider they are with.

leave. Leave no forwarding address and walk out with the minimum you need (do you have children?)

call the service providers and ensure your name is removed from any bills.

leave his arse and use the money you earn to build a nice life for yourself. He is abusing you

So start moving those things now, make it so you have nothing you love in the house. Ask a friend to look after them and keep your laptop with you. Maybe say you are staying at a friends for the night.

OP please leave this os disgusting abuse. You have been in it so long you dont realise. Don’t worry about material things i left an abusive relationship years ago i walked out with nothing i started over its just material things. Where do you live i would help if i was nearby ❤️

Take your wages and go rent yourself a lovely new place, furnished at first might make it easier for you. Take stuff over little by little, as much as you can without him noticing (paperwork, medication, I.D the most important then clothes etc)

He can keep the tenancy in his name, good luck to the twat trying to pay for it. Time to dump the abusive loser and start living your life.

xposted.

Seeing your latest update… is he ever out of the house?

You may need to accept that you need to leave some things behind (I left my house with my daughter and just what I could fit into my mums car). Make sure you know where all important documents are if you can leave quickly.

Also does your manager / hr department know about the situation? I’m wondering if taking annual leave/ unpaid leave could give you a few weeks away from work whilst you find somewhere permanent / sort out internet access (perhaps whilst in a refuge).

Have you told your employer?

Tell them what is going on. Get them to arrange a meeting somewhere else for you to attend, if he asks why you are going out, show them the meeting invitation (make sure they know you will do this, so they don’t add anything which would arouse suspicion.

Go out, take your laptop etc. Contact police and domestic abuse support during this time. Come back with someone else for support to collect the rest of your belongings, at the time you should be returning from the meeting, so he has no opportunity to hide them.

Refuges are amazing resources, but yes, tough to live in if communal. That being said, you need to get out - and you know it. Your local authority have a duty to provide emergency temp accommodation. This may be a B&B, but it’s better than being with him.

Tell your bank ASAP, and also check your credit report to check he hasn’t taken anything out in your name.

You can do this. Practically, you are in a strong position, even if it doesn’t feel like you are emotionally. You can do this!

LTB!

I think you need to make a careful plan. It's great you aren't on the tenancy. Do you have a friend you can trust and start squirrelling out documents etc? If you could set up a place to live without his knowledge would that help you feel more secure?

I'm sorry you were let down by the police before.

I'm so shocked and saddened by this. I hoped it wasn't real but I'm assuming it is. What a truly awful inhumane man.

Good things: no children, no joint property and you have a good job/income.

Do you get to leave the house at all? Can you smuggle out any valuables/irreplaceable items to store at a friend's house or storage locker? Then next payday just pick up your laptop and phone and walk out, get an air bnb while you set yourself up with somewhere to live.

Does your employer have a physical office? Could you go there "for meetings" and leave some stuff there? Does your employer have an employee assistance programme and/or a sympathetic HR department? You need all the help you can get after 14 years of being gaslit.

Is he abusive in other ways ie violent? Your safety is paramount.

From your updates:

great you have no children together, you can just walk away.

do you have a passport or birth certificate? Next time you leave the house put them in your bra etc and take them elsewhere.

leave them with a friend or family memeber, or walk into your local women’s aid charity shop. I am sure they would understand.

the previous poster who said tell work, is correct. Arrange a meeting you need to leave the house for with the laptop and in the laptop bag hide anything you want to take.

alternatively call the police. When they arrive state you are being abused and need to leave. Use them then and there to pack up a bag and leave with your possessions. State you are being kept there against your will. Your partner will not be able to stop you leaving with them present and they can give you info/make a domestic abuse referral.

you are being financially abused and that is a crime never mind the emotional abuse etc.

call the police if there is no other option you can take. There is help out there and you aren’t responsible for him

Well you're trapped in an abusive relationship, but I think you are seeing that now, which is the first step to escape. You not being on the tenancy agreement is fantastic. You can move out.

Do you have any friends locally who you can trust to keep a secret and would store stuff for you? Is your job one where you would plausibly have to go into an office one day a week? You need to start sneaking stuff out of the house. If your job is the sort you can do from anywhere, then aim to move quite a distance from him. Get the the absolute essentials out of the house and just go. Don't tell him anything, just walk away and don't give him any means of contacting you.

Is there anyone you can stay with? Any friends or family at all who could put you up short term? It sounds like you earn enough to cover rent by yourself, you just need to get a deposit together so need somewhere to stay while you're doing that.

Please call Women's Aid. I know you said a refuge didn't work last time but you can't stay in this situation. Make an excuse to leave the house if necessary to call them.
Contact the police, coercive control such as this is a criminal offence because it is abusive behaviour. They will listen.
Visit a bank, ask to speak to someone in confidence & open an account in your name only. Inform your employer's wages section of the details & tell them to pay your wages into it as soon as possible.
Change all passwords on your accounts, social media etc. Open a new, separate email account & have correspondence sent to it.
Confide in a trusted friend.
I know it's not easy, it's frightening & mentally draining but you deserve much more. of a life than this. Ask Women's Aid about the Freedom Programme.
He will no doubt threaten all sorts including harming himself, report all instances to the police. His mental health is not your responsibility & isn't an excuse to be abusive or bone idle. He's gaslighting you on top of everything else. 💐

Get some help, take your laptop and go. Possessions can be replaced. Open up a new bank account and get your wages paid into it. Lucky the house is in his name he can find next months rent. Find a Airbnb.

Just go! He just sleep. So when he is asleep, you pack the things you absolutely need and you go.

You’re not married and the tenancy is in his name. You can just leave and nothing comes back on you.

A friend or relative will take you in. You have a good salary so you’ll get a rental yourself. Just go when he is asleep, block him on everything. Everything. Don’t communicate with him again.

How does it work when he ‘takes’ your wages? Do you transfer the money to his account? The whole lot? And he pays the bills? It’s such an unusual set up that I am trying to imagine what happens. What would happen if you said, I am keeping half my wages this month?

I think you can easily escape if you make a plan eg stay with someone until you get a houseshare or something if you can’t afford a rental yet. Do you have friends or family who could support you? Or accompany you when you collect your belongings and physically leave?

How long were you together when he moved in, bet it was within a year so he could sponge off you. As soon as I find a man has no job I get up and walk off, I'd never date a lazy bastard.

Stay strong, you can get out of this and you have some brilliant advice here.

My advice is to sort your priorities out. When you left last time and he blackmailed you into returning because he had your work laptop, why did you return? That laptop doesn't belong to you, it belongs to your employer and if one of my employees explained the situation i would happily get them a new laptop and deal with this cretin myself. A quick call to the police to report him for theft would have it sorted quickly.

You just need to get your basics together and have them stored elsewhere. Sort your financials out as suggested previously and then leave him.

He will sink quickly. Do not engage with him. Once you have gone do not let him have a voice. Good luck and enjoy being rid of the parasite.

What struck me in your post was that you said you had nowhere to go.
If there are family and friends that you have lost touch with because of him please get in touch with them. Talk to someone at work about it.

I can tell you that if someone was in your position and reached out for help I would do everything I could, immediately. Regardless of how long it had been.

You are not alone, he has just made you feel like you are. And he can fuck right off.