Am I being mugged off by DP

[Maccaj78]

I have been with my DP for 14 Years which have not been easy. He has always been difficult unless he is getting what's he wants. He has never worked and I do each month he takes my wages and then tells me what I am allowed to have and then I practically have to beg for it. I earn good money yet he always insists we have none. My money pays all bills and food and he says he doesn't have anything yet there are always online packages arriving. He screams if I ask when he got them as he got them with his own money lol!! The other I questioned this again and he told me to get out of his house (which I pay for) knowing I have no where to go and that I have only just handed him my wages. I then looked into an old email of mine that he is using and found hundreds of online receipts from DH Gate and eBay as he constantly tells me he never gets anything. He just told me they were things he sent back.. lies because his wardrobe (which I rarely go in) is full of brand new clothes in packets he told he just likes stuff. He wears the same thing everyday!! He said I'm ungrateful for the thing I have and greedy and don't want to buy him anything.
AIBU for thinking I'm being used and mugged off

I'd go on a "business trip, conference or team building week" a day or two before the next wages are due....

This is a really good point, he will have no doubt have isolated you from any support that you had when you first met him. Definitely get back in touch with anybody you can (without him knowing). Even if you can reconnect with somebody who you are far away from, as long as they have a room / sofa for you to sleep on that would be better than staying with him.
You said you work remotely, so you may even want to consider permanently relocating to give yourself some physical distance from him.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read!! Lock the bastard out and never ever give him another penny. Let him live on the side of the road. If you can move to another area do so, you need to totally block him and the fact you’ve been putting up with this for so long makes me think you need serious distance from him to stay strong.
And for gods sake don’t get into another relationship until you’ve built up some sense of self value. You need to get your life back on track, please be kind to yourself. I wish you all the best for the future. 💐

Not sure why people are questioning whether this is true or why you're letting it happen- it's a form of domestic abuse, which can erode confidence and isolate you.

OP, Surviving Economic Abuse have loads of good advice: survivingeconomicabuse.org .
Just make sure he can't track any websites you look up/ clear all search history

She has all the power here. Her name is not on the tenancy so no financial ties. She can run and he can’t chase her for anything.
She has the salary, he doesn’t. She gets paid and she leaves.

She has ALL the power. And as soon as she leaves, she won’t be paying bills or rent so she could even just rent an airbnb for a few months and immediately has somewhere to go.

He's been controlling and taking the mick out of your kind nature for way too long.

You have the power to change it and my advice would be to leave him it'll only get worse

Open a new bank account. Get your wage paid in there. Pack a bag with all your paperwork and documents. Go to women’s aid/ housing. Leave and never look back.

Why are you with him?

I agree with everything you say except the stupid bit,you should never call a victim of abuse stupid

@Maccaj78 does he ever go out?

This.

Hard to believe this is real as you obviously are able to hold down a job and wrote a coherent post.

You need to seek outside help immediately. You can leave him and be free of his control.

Are you able to delve deeper as to how this had even started to happen? Why did you start giving him your money? You can just stop doing that. You can keep your own wages and make your own choices.

This can’t be real?

If it is stop giving him your money right away. Easy - just email your HR at work to pay you into a different account.

Job done.

You can find somewhere else to rent as you have all the money and proof of income. He will not.

Get out xx

You must free yourself from this leeching jellyfish of a man!
Leave by stealth, plan it all in advance then go out one day & never return.

You don’t need things, your work can replace a laptop if it gets lost or broken. Please leave, you’re in a horrible situation and it will only get worse.

I can hardly believe this is real. How on earth have you ended up in this situation?!

What's your housing situation, rented/owned, your name/joint names?

Is there anyone at work that can support you?

My work will pay for up to a month in a hotel for these scenarios.

You could say your laptop needs to go in for a repair and then leave the next day.

Start to smuggle your stuff out of the house - can a friend or family member hold it for you? , you aren't on the tenancy so you can leave at any point- I would contact women's aid - they may be able to get you to a refuge. If you have removed the important stuff you can plan your exit before pay day and leave without handing the next month's pay over?

Put your wages in your own bank account, and go straight to a lettings agency and get a private rent with it.

Also call women's aid and IDAS

I'm a remote employer and if you were in one of my teams I would work with you, and get a second set of kit sent to an alternative address so you could literally walk out the house and continue to work. I'd also discuss you taking some time off to help you get set up.

We'd happily write off a set of kit if it meant you were able to get out this situation, and support you so you could carry on working so you kept your wage going in.

Please talk to a trusted manager. 🙏

OP,

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is a nightmare. Has he ever been violent?

Even if the answer is ‘no’ I think you need to protect yourself physically as you prepare to move, and then move. People at work may be happy to help - I certainly would. Just having someone with you will help.

If he removes your laptop, report him to your employer and the police. If he removes your other possessions, straight to the police. You should be reporting him for financial and psychological abuse anyway, but I know that is very difficult. It is much easier to go to your employer, Women’s Aid, etc. Please know you are not alone

What sort of company do you work for OP? Many companies (the one I work for included) will be able to support you.

Long term, it’s very easy for you to leave, everything is in his name and you are the earner.

Immediate term is more difficult as you WFH and he is there all the time. You need to try and find someone IRL who can help you. Whether that is someone in HR, a friend, a neighbour. You need help to make that first leap with somewhere short term lined up to live and your wages paid into your own account.

Why on earth do you put up with this? Why on earth did you ever put up with it? I am honestly at a loss to understand.

Can I remind people that OP is NOT stupid and the reason she has "put up" with this is because she's isolated and has spent 14 years in a controlling, abusive relationship. If you haven't experienced anything like this (and I hope you haven't), then you haven't got a clue. There are some really unhelpful and shitty posts here.

You do not ever call a victim of long time financial, coercive, controlling abuse "stupid".