DD and her uncle...AIBU to feel uncomfortable?

[maay]

My daughter is 12. In January her uncle started giving her guitar lessons as she really wanted to learn. He has been playing for years and sometimes teaches lessons, so when he offered to teach her for free, it was too good to turn down. The lessons are at our house. She's really been enjoying it. I still offer him money, but it's always a firm no.

He took her to see a band that they both like in March. His wife was also there. DD came back with loads of merch. I was thankful but told him he didn't need to do all of that! I felt like it was really cool they were bonding so well though. DH loved to see it as well.

He has bought her quite a few things now other than that merch. Like a necklace, posters, figurines, he even offered to buy her expensive trainers when she asked me for them in front of him. I said no to that one, because me and DH already decided she didn't need them. (girl has a lot.)

DH and I check her phone regularly. They text each other probably once or twice a week. It's brief and they just send each other memes and links to music they like. I haven't seen an actual conversation with them, so think I'm happy with that.

Yesterday he was at our house. We were all in the same room talking. DD went and sat on his lap and it made me feel uncomfortable. Only because she never sits on an adults lap anymore? I wasn't going to make a scene or anything, so I just made an excuse and asked her to come help me with something in a different room. When she went back into the room, she didn't sit on his lap again.

The same day, he dropped into conversation about how "Asian and half Asian girls are the most beautiful" he looked at DD and she giggled. DD is half Asian. I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with it all. But I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable? I don't want to break an innocent bond, but I feel like I missed some red flags and I'm now seeing them? DH says he just loves his niece and he doesn't think we have to worry.

OP is in a very tricky situation, if she confronts him he will explain it all away, be offended & outraged, lots of people will by default take his side & feel sorry for him perceiving him to be the victim of others who have tried to ruin his reputation. Very often people will side with the man even if they know he did abuse the child they feel sorry for him now that he's been exposed.
They do it because they know they can get away with it, they know how easy it is to discredit a child, how readily others will side with a man.

Well done on spotting the signs. Be prepared for the possibility of further disclosures. Make sure you request a Sarah’s law disclosure asap from
the police, tell the school what has happened and contact social services.

Yes. Trust your gut

OP, you need to report this to the police.

He teaches other children the guitar.

Your daughter might not be the only child he has done this to.

I'm a teacher and if a child came to me with this information at school, we'd be ringing the police immediately.

I know it's a very difficult situation as he's family, but you need to act to ensure he can't continue this behaviour with other young girls.

You don't need to speak to him about it. You just phone the police, disclose what your daughter has said, and let them deal with it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to your daughter, and to your family. Well done for trusting your instincts.

He could have been trying to boost her self esteem and affirm her, especially as she's a racial minority. Like "girls who play football are the best aren't they", but I agree that in general adults (especially of the opposite gender) shouldn't be talking about attractiveness in kids at all. Imo this could truly be sinister, or it could equally have just come across all wrong with no pedo element.

Truly not exaggerating but East Asians associate Western women (especially blonde ones for some reason) with porn. Doesn't mean every East Asian man that likes Keira Knightley is into hardcore porn

Ugh what a bastard. I'm so sorry.

I'm glad you've found out, horrible though it is.

Apologies, I cross posted with the OP's last update.

@Liliberated this is such a helpful response, definition and advice.

You're probably reeling with all this but please keep reaching out and posting if you need to - it can be a very lonely place when you're in these situations especially where family are involved and you don't know where to turn. There is always support on Mumsnet and every problem shared enables us all to learn from each other - sadly parenting includes a large chunk of policing your own children these days.

Please don't blame yourself for uncle's behaviour, he's an adult just like you. He should be looking out for DD - nothing else and will no doubt deny everything given the opportunity so please seek professional advice before approaching him. The last thing you need is for DD to be made the subject, she is the victim and needs all the support and protection you and DH can give her xx

Yep he is grooming her. You need to nip this in the bud quick smart.

Oh no. Just read your update and I take back what I said about maybe he has no boundaries and isn’t grooming on purpose (though still thought you should wind this relationship down immediately and teach your DD to watch out for herself in future) but I’ve changed my mind. There is no world in which it can possibly be anything other than grooming to ask a 12 year old girl to sit on his lap for her guitar lesson. No one would think that’s OK. No one could possibly do that innocently. He’s a fucking creep. Stop those lessons. No need for a camera! And yes others are right, if he is teaching children guitar then he needs to be reported. He may be doing this to other children. I’m so sorry OP. This must be shocking in the extreme. But you’ve done the right thing to seek advice and now you need to act.

I agree with this 100%. I would make an excuse to miss the next lesson and speak with the police tomorrow. You dont want to use the wrong language or scare your DD into not talking and need to be sure what has happened. I would definitely seek professional advice.

Wtf?????

You really typed that out and then posted it? I hope you don't have daughters because it sounds like you wouldn't believe them if they were groomed. Wow just fucking wow

Hi OP,

I've been in this situation and you want to watch your brother's reaction very carefully when you explain to him that you are not comfortable with how things are going. If he's decent then he will immediately appologise and step back. If he gets annoyed or defensive or anything then shut him down urgently. That behaviour just goes nowhere good.

I spent ten years tiptoeing round this garbage and it would have been much better just to have it out right at the beginning and get the acrimony over with.

Good luck

@Pushmepullu we can add you to the list of victim blaming apologists for paedophiles

Well done for trusting your gut, sending hugs xxx

Reported. It is never, ever the victim's fault. You need to read your post again and give your head a massive wobble.

I was going to post that this is a absolutely grooming but read your update and you already know that. I work with children in a professional role and this has red flags all over it. The compliments which make her giggle are a sign his flattery is starting to work, she is starting to enjoy his compliments although she will not fully understand why, he is likely giving her these compliments a lot already. Doing it in front of you was to normalise this behaviour, if you’re comfortable with it, then he’s hoping she’ll be more comfortable with it. The best way to deal with groomers is say things out loud, no being ‘nice’ or body shaming as that’s what they thrive on. For example, ‘DD, remember that we don’t sit in on other people laps.’ Or ‘DD, remember we spoke about being careful who we show our bodies to’ saying this out loud in front of him will make him understand you have had important educational talks with your child which makes her less likely to be an easy target. Please have more educational and empowering talks with her, make sure she knows she can come to you for anything, no shaming her for asking curious questions.

also please let her speak to a counsellor or therapist about this. There might be things she doesn’t want to tell you.

Have you properly searched her phone, til tok, Snapchat, insta? Other messaging apps he may have asked her to download. Any weird photos in her phone?

Have you asked her if he has shown his body in anyway or asked to see hers? Grooming often starts with non physical acts first. Has be complimented her in private as well? You need to ask these questions.

also check out Consent Parenting on Instagram for advice.

Well done OP for finding this out. So many people turn a blind eye because it’s family. Will you consider reporting to the police?? They can properly ask your daughter what has happened and see if action can be taken. It may stop someone else getting groomed. Was his wife not also WTF with the lap thing?? I would be!

And she did it in front of you.
Same advice as before.
Cut contact between them no explanation needed.

Well done on having what was probably a fifficult conversation to have with your dad, and it’s good she was honest with you.

If I recall, uncle is a guitar teacher to other children as well Anyone else getting alarm bells ?

@Riverlee yes big loud alarm bells. Op, could you contact nspcc, they can pass on your concerns about him teaching other children anonymously.