So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

I wonder if none of this is really about the actual money.

Maybe your dd feels resentment for being a carer to her grandma and that she's done more than others but not had more thanks/recognition

Mumoftwo1312 · Today 00:07
I wonder if none of this is really about the actual money.
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Maybe your dd feels resentment for being a carer to her grandma and that she's done more than others but not had more thanks/recognition”

Living cost free in London seems recognition enough.

...if so, a way to resolve this is to get everyone to help out more, practically, to lighten the load on your dd and make her feel less taken for granted

OP’s father has carers. Doesn’t sound like too much of a load. She chose to move in and pays nothing.

What a grabby little mare. Inheritance is naturally from one generation to the next so she should think herself lucky she’ll get anything at all.

Every post I read about inheritance reminds me how greed and money destroy families. It always ends in upset. Life is so short and family is all you have. In this day and age it’s important we remember that more often than we do. What’s money without family. A good neighbour of mine buried her 35 year old daughter last week, what money she would give to have her daughter back.

It was confusing to read, but from what I understand - DM told DD that she was going to get 10% but now it’s only 6.26% so she thinks you’re involved? Are we talking thousands? Hundred thousands? Is this all worth it for anyone? I do imagine the grandchildren are at a much greater need of the money in the time of life they are in, starting families, buying houses?

What your DM has decided is done, you should have contacted your daughter on her birthday. Agree to disagree and move on. Enjoy the last years of your DMs life together. She’s your daughter, you don’t need people bad mouthing her and sharing an opinion of her on the internet.

She does not ‘provide care’, She does the household laundry, cleans the house and puts away the delivered groceries. DM is more than happy with this. I will also inherit equally with my siblings, although it is me who visits several times weekly, is on 24hr call, does errands, takes DM out, and so on.
I have no problem with this.
I’ve always said it is nobody’s right to inherit - it’s a privilege.

What a horrific situation to find yourself in OP! I can totally understand why you felt you didn't want to give your daughter a gift or card. When I first started reading your post, I thought, 'what a wonderful thing for a granddaughter to do, moving in and helping to care for her grandparents', but no, she's clearly in it for what she EXPECTS to get out of it, and in all honesty, it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't start working on your DM herself in order to get her to change the Will again. I think that possibly in order to protect yourself, you should ask your DM if she would be prepared to visit her solicitor again, going into the appointment accompanied by you initially, in case she has difficulties explaining what the problem is, and then she should be left alone with the solicitor, to make a statement which he/she can have witnessed, stating that she has made her Will with no pressure from anyone, and it is made whilst having full mental capacity. It's a terrible thing to have to even consider this, but could protect you should your DD decide to actually go ahead with her threats, when your DM is gone, and no longer able to defend you. If she doesn't feel able to see a solicitor again, or doesn't want to spend the money, than ask her if perhaps she could write something out stating that she is of 'sound mind', signing it, and getting a couple of neighbours or friends to witness it, all whilst you aren't present so that no one can make any allegations of you 'intimidating or pressuring her in any way'. I do hope you can sort this out, but as others have said, Wills can cause so many problems in families, and it would be such a shame to possibly taint your DM's remaining time, with this sort of thing hanging over everyone. Your daughter should be ashamed of herself!

I think that's ridiculous it shouldn't be for the OP to have to practically bribe her daughter for the daughter to act like a decent human being

Your daughter is dangerous.

I would also remind her that she has already been receiving more than her share of "inheritance" in the form of free room and board. Even with helping her grandmother, the benefits she is reaping are substantial.

Nonsense!

I wouldn’t be surprised if she moved in with an intention of securing/ boosting her inheritance. She sounds awfully greedy and wicked. I understand you’re upset, OP. In fact I’d be considering whether I leave her anything from my own estate- shocking behaviour ☹️.

I didn't mean it like bribery - surely it's just true? It's very common for parents to help their adult children financially at those points in their lives. Op will be better off than her dd.

My mum and dh's parents helped with our deposit for our first flat and I didn't see it as bribery.

Just reminding her dd that she's still intending to do that (if she is) would take the sting out of her dd's disappointment.

...unless of course, op is no longer going to help her dd in the future due to this row. Which would be vindictive imo.

Has your DD2 always been this hateful?

I don't think it's a good idea for her to continue living with her grandparents. God knows what other schemes she will come up with!

Good grief, this isn't just a "row." Her daughter was recording her conversations, compiling "evidence", and planning on going to the police for the op to be prosecuted.

I wouldn't help the vile madame who'd accused me of such horrofic things regardless of who she was.

Let her be disappointed.
Let her watch as OP helps her siblings.
Actions have consequences and short of throwing herself at OP and begging forgiveness what she has done can't be undone.

Personally OP if she doesn't shake some sense into herself I'd be writing her out of your will!

How dare she!

@Mumoftwo1312 I think in the situation the OP is in it would count as bribery because you'd be actively hoping she'd calm down by being reminded she'll get things paid for. I think if she did respond to that kind of reminder she wouldn't be a particularly nice individual.

Separately lots of people don't have parental financial support to that extent, I really don't think she should be offered that as she's behaved so awfully.

I don’t think this was her intention. When she moved there it was to support my DM, although there were some other factors which would be outing to say here.

She is very close to DM, and can be lovely and caring, but she’s always been VERY strong willed, so not an easy child to raise. She’s always felt less favoured than her older sister, but I honestly, hand on heart don’t know why. She’s had probably more than her sis, who is very easy going, over the years.

Get your DD out of you DM's house. Your dd sounds rather cunning and conniving. She threatened to have you charged fgs! She sounds like a complete narcissist and more that willing to throw you under the bus for money. She is not to be trusted.

My DM has said she’s so shocked about this, but relies on DD so much and wouldn’t be able to cope if she wasn’t there due to her poor mobility. DD loves her DGM so wouldn’t move out anyway.

So basically your DD is coercing / bullying her DGM to leave her more money in the will

It sounds from your earlier message and your latest update that you've made it clear that she is, and always has been, your 'lesser' child.

I always find it 'funny' how parents deny treating children differently or state 'We've always treated them both the same."

In any event, if she's recorded you persuading her grandma to change the %s, it will no longer be a matter of opinion. If she's thinking of taking it to the police then I'm guessing it's something of substance.

Have you missed the part where dd has taken notes, eavesdropped and threatened to have OP charged by police?

Then be prepared for your dd to challenge the will. Seriously.
Have you told your mother that your daughter threatened to have you arrested?
Moving out shouldn't be your dd's choice at this point. She should be kicked out.
If your mother relies on her assistance that much then your daughter will have a very good claim for care aid/support fees and don't you think she is likely documenting everything she does to bolster her claim?
You and your mother are very foolish and/or naive if you think this is just a situation to reason with your daughter about. You can't on one hand state your daughter has always been selfish etc and that she's been taking notes and listening in on convos and on the other hand claim you need her so much that you simply can't do anything about this. Your daughter isn't hiding her intentions. You're worried or you wouldn't have posted for advice. You need to take immediate action. I'm sorry for your situation. It's very hurtful, but you must act.

It's more than a fight - reporting her mother to the police - I'd be frightened if I'm the OP even with no wrongdoing