So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

"Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer. "

I don't know if your dd2 has misunderstood or not we only have your side but this sentence tells me enough about why she may have a poor opinion of you

It sounds like she was expecting more because she's there.

I really wouldn’t worry at all about her apparent claim of undue influence, it’s exceedingly hard to prove and your DM is alive and well and would be able to advocate on your behalf anyway. I would get DM to chat to the solicitor who does her will to explain that she is of sound mind etc and have this written in a letter. Literally no court in the land would look at a fair distribution of 25% to children and 6% to GC and think you were manipulating your mother - you have equal shares to your siblings for goodness sake! Your issue is of course your relationship with your daughter.

I completely agree with this. You have changed the ownership specifically to avoid paying care home fees. This means taxpayers will pick up the bill and this is done purely to ensure you inherit.

People who do this leave a nasty taste in my mouth.

I feel so sorry you are in this situation OP. The will arrangements you described sound very fair and transparent.

Although your daughter is helping your parents, you are still very present in their lives and carrying a good bit of the load. There is no mention of your other siblings and nephews/ nieces. Can you encourage them to play a part too?

In your situation I would grey-rock your daughter until the wedding is past. Cool, civil, non-committal phrases. How she has come to be this person is for another time.

Meanwhile I would find it useful to know the financial benefit she gets from living with your parents. How much would a house share cost in the area? It may be useful information in the future if she tries to assert how altruistic she has been by moving in. No doubt love for her grandparents has played a part but so has cold self- interest. If she had not moved in you would have made other arrangements anyway.

Your mother sounds clear thinking at the moment but this can change quite quickly. Have your and/or your siblings got POA? I can fully imagine your daughter drip-dripping into her ear to get the will changed! Or just upsetting her.

When the wedding is over, perhaps you might share with your siblings what your daughter has accused you of. Your mother may well have had her own conversations with them about her intentions. You do not necessarily have to carry all this stress on your own though I am sure it would feel very shameful to expose what your daughter has said about you.

In the end, there not even be an inhertance!

Surely one conversation between your mother and your daughter within which your mother confirms you haven’t pushed her into anything and that the will amounts are accurate would clear all this up? If they live together how has this not happened?

Get over yourself @QuitMoaning, what an ironic username 🙄

I expect this is more a nurture issue. Your mum thinks it is a good idea to discuss her plans with you all. She clearly enjoys creating family drama, what an excellent thing for everyone to fall out over! We are all a product of how we were parented.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children/dp/0241250994

@sunnydaysanddaydreams IMHO, it's best to appoint a family member, or family plus solicitor

Solicitors charge £££ and better (cheaper) to do a lot of the donkey work yourself, although you can choose for a solicitor to take over if it's too much

If a solicitor is appointed, they will do (and charge for) every single task, however easy

I would amend your original post OP as you have admitted to deliberate deprivation. No one has to go to a solicitor. I would not see a family who asked to discuss someone’s will. If the solicitor has done their job correctly the thinking behind the contents of the will should be recorded. If DD did go to the police I doubt she would come out if it in a very good light and I very much doubt that the police would take any interest as no one has actually stolen anything and it is normal for parents to leave money to their children in preference to their grandchildren.

It is not deprivation because its an inheritance that hasn't happened. It was only changing deeds from joint to tenants in common.

Money or talk of it, just seems to bring out the very worst in people.

The dd hasn't actually gone to the police though. Op says she "said she intends to" which i interpreted to mean it was flung out in an argument.

Secretly monitoring conversations and recording what was said for MONTHS is calculated and conniving. DD2 wouldn't feel the need to do that if it was just something she said in the heat of the moment.

The greedy cow hasn't stopped to realise if OP didn't discuss this with her mother, she would likely be left with nothing as the will didn't even include the DGC in the first place. The poor GM and GF are still alive and all DD2 seems to care about is them dieing so she can get her hands on some money. I wonder how far that 6.25% will go when she has to pay rent.

@Fairyliz I also raised an eyebrow at changing wills for this purpose

TBF, OP isn't alone in doing that, but as a society, we need to move away from expecting "the state" aka taxpayers to fund everything. If people can afford their own care, they should

My DM has said she’s so shocked about this, but relies on DD so much and wouldn’t be able to cope if she wasn’t there due to her poor mobility. DD loves her DGM so wouldn’t move out anyway.

So your Mum is happy to carry on relying on your daughter?

And your daughter wouldn't move out even if she was told to?

Sounds as if they are happy to keep using each other!

I agree with @QuitMoaning too

It isn’t yet but it will be. Is this your job because it is mine.

Do you think it’s possible your mother HAS promised her something op? That was my first thought.

Get it legally documented there was no coercion involved.

I can’t help but feel your mother has indeed promised your dd something she hasn’t shared with you. Thought more about it, and decided to give you more and can’t quite face telling dd the truth.

Your dd is blaming you and your mother isn’t doing much to change her mind is she?

Has dm actually changed her will yet? How many dgc are there? If it was her choice to move in and gets benefit of free board she is greedy to demand more. I'm not clear what you mean by amending the deeds though, are you trying to avoid that being part of the estate or sold to fund care?

whatever happens you’re going to need to discuss this with your daughter as if she contests the will you’re all looking at losing a massive amount of money in legal fees. It sounds like she could be gearing up to contest on the grounds of coercion but she’d probably also have a claim under the 1975 act provisions given she’s been living in the house rent free as she could probably argue she’s been financially maintained by your mother.

There are always two sides to every story. You’ve presented yours but I suspect there is more going on re care needs and complex family relationships. Either way, if you get to a point of layers being involved it’ll kill all of your relationships and cost thousands.

This must be really hard for you and I sympathise. But this jumped out at me:-
She’s always felt less favoured than her older sister, but I honestly, hand on heart don’t know why. She’s had probably more than her sis, who is very easy going, over the years.
There are hints in your post that make me understand why your daughter would feel less favoured than her sister. The way you write about them is quite different. I just wanted to flag that because if I can pick it up in a thread on mn, she will definitely have picked up on it. I mean, the only reason you are getting in touch with her on her birthday is because your other DD has asked you to!

If she brings this up, I'd listen to what she has to say instead of telling her how much she's had etc. We as parents are very flawed and very human but we can always be better if we're not on the defensive all the time.

Tell your daughter you’re sorry she isn’t getting what she’d hoped to out of her grandmother dying but you’re more than happy for her to go to the police. Say this is because you and her grandmother are confident she’s got the wrong end of the stick and you’d like her to hear that from the police in the hope she might accept she’s made a mistake and you can all move on and draw a line under it as a family.

It’s all very sad. Uneven wills wreck families.

This is completely off topic. Did you ever get an assessment on your daughter, or did anyone in school mention that she was having issues? I’m just wondering if she had anything else going on, found things difficult and then got labelled a trouble maker/problem
child?