So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

But the daughter has threatened to report her mother to the police. I don't think sending a birthday card is at all appropriate

The dd hasn't actually gone to the police though. Op says she "said she intends to" which i interpreted to mean it was flung out in an argument.

In any case, it's an empty threat because I don't think it's a police matter. It's like a child saying "you love my sister more than me, it's so unfair, I've kept a diary of evidence that you treat her better, I'm going to the police about it!". I'd examine the emotion behind the threat rather than worry about the threat itself.

But I see I'm in the minority on this thread from the volume of quote-replies I'm getting.

It's not for OP to have to examine the emotions of the DD.

She's not 5.
She's not a child. What she says has meaning and consequences. If she wants to have a discussion regarding her emotions then she can use her big girl voice.

Dd has caused permanent damage to the family.

OP is well within her rights to not care how her daughter feels right now.

And if this is an example of her character and how she is then OP can like her other children better.

Maybe they're nicer people.

Ugh. Hope she doesn't challenge the will, that can take years and be nightmarish. Are you the executer? I'd try to make it one of your siblings if so to remove one potential source/argument for bias, though it will be a lot of work for whoever is executor if dd2 does challenge.

Always best to appoint solicitors as executors, in my opinion it removes all the workload. Obviously if you are named as executor you can still get legal advice if you want.

Your dm is of sound mind, so i don't think your dd will get very far.Even if you had being trying to persuade your dm to vary her will, this not what 'coercion' is.
I would also point out that with your df's care needs, your attempts to prevent your dm's half being swallowed up is too late!

I think the fact that DD1's wedding is coming up is something to really prioritize. I am not saying I don't think you and your DD2 need to really figure out your differences and reconcile, but in the meantime ignoring her birthday wasn't the path to take IMO. I'm glad you have acknowledged it now. It sounds like you should all sit down as a family with a solicitor representing your parents and explain their wishes to everyone. Your DD2's personality sounds difficult, but there maybe some major misunderstandings here. Also the amount could feel very significant to her, even if it doesn't to you (younger generations are really struggling compared to their parents and grandparents.) Money can become a substitute for love in some family dynamics and skimping someone in any way can feel like a withdrawal of love.
I just think due to the upcoming wedding trying to diffuse the drama and not rise to the bait would be a wiser decision. My extended family had a blowup (nothing to do with me, I was not involved) and 4 family members (my brother, his wife, my aunt and a cousin) ended up not coming to my wedding as a result, as they were all trying to avoid each other. I just told them they were all welcome, I wasn't going to get involved and they had to decide what they wanted to do. At least two of them told me years later they really regret not coming to the wedding.
It was honestly hurtful that they couldn't rise above it and put they own quarrels aside for the sake of me and my husband, but it was their choice.

I hope this doesn't blow up your DDs wedding. Money is never more important than beloved family members, especially on a once in a lifetime occasion like a wedding.

Money may not be more important than family but ensuring you're not endorsing or facilitating abusive behaviour is way more important than everyone pretending to play happy families for someone else's wedding.

Plus if it does cause a rift for the other daughter's wedding that's on the daughter in question and no one else.

Does your dm grasp the gravity of this situation op?

If she is of sound mind and health she needs to call a family meeting well in advance of the wedding at which you are ALL present and explain very carefully what has transpired and lay down the law about family behaviour and basically tell your dd2 that she is in the wrong because no one has coerced her in to anything, in fact, this situation all came about because she wanted to include gds in her will.

She also needs to say in no uncertain terms in front of everyone that if her live-in gd expects to inherit more than everyone else then she is mistaken bc her reward for doing what she does is living rent free in London and if she is going to cause a rift in the family then she can move out and she will employ cleaners instead.

The fact that she has not suggested doing this is odd to me. There’s either something transpired between the two of them that you are not party to op, or your dm is not fully aware of the gravity of the situation because your dd has misled her about her part in it all.

Either way it really is an unsavoury and entitled way for your dd to behave and your dm should be stamping down hard on it. She should be making it clear that everyone is getting an equal share and if this feud isn’t resolved and apologies made, she will donate the whole lot to a cat’s home.

I came here to say this, this is on your DM to sort out not you OP.

Your DD has behaved disgarcefully, sorry. Your DM is still alive FGS!

What are "DHC"? There's way too many acronyms in this post.

From what I gather, your daughter is pig headed and entitled, and if she cries abuse to the police because she's not getting as much as she wants from her living nan's inheritance, she will be laughed out of the station.

Your daughter is living with grandparents - rent free but supporting them. They wouldn't be able to manage without her help? Forget the will. The inheritance would be considerably reduced if they had to pay someone to do what she's doing or if one or both of them had to go into care. Your mum and the rest of the family should think about this.

Because she was going to report her to the police for fraud & coercion. I wouldn’t be sending a birthday card either.

Wonder if she’s claiming carers allowance?

This whole thing is really sad. What a horrible situation. PPs are right, if DM is of sound mind then your DD doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Especially if DM is aware of her concerns and this hasn’t affected her decision.
However, I think by ignoring her birthday you have burnt some bridges that will be very difficult to repair.

Protect yourself first as your daughter is a twit.

But you were absolutely right in suggesting to your DM to use percentages instead of dollar amounts.

I would make part of the conversation if you talk be you very calmly saying that if you really think you have a leg to stand on, go ahead and report it to the police. Neither I nor your grandma have anything to hide, my conscience is clear, except perhaps of where I went wrong parenting that you can think these things of me and be so avaricious.

Your daughter is a horrible person OP, and I wouldn't be acknowledging her birthday either, not until she apologised. She's a brat, there is no excuse for her behaviour.

As for going to the police - in what world does she think they will be remotely interested? 😂She should be grateful she is getting anything, most people tend to leave their estate to their children, not their grandchildren.

You need to be slightly careful here. As she is living with DM rent free she falls into the category of a person being supported by the deceased so could potentially make a claim on the estate under the Inheritance Provision For Family and Deoendents Act if she considers she is not reasonably provided for. It’s not a strong claim but the risk is there.

Not sending her a card, was a bit rubbish, and will have cemented there being a rift, I do think you were wrong not to send a card and a message saying happy birthday. Everything else she is taking the piss. She lives rent (and bill)? free, in exchange for minimal household tasks. She's entitled to nothing, and acting like this could very easily result in her grandparents being uncomfortable with the current arrangement. She is being selfish, full stop. And the money she (should) have saved with no rent, would more than bring her up to her mythical 10% I hope she has a plan moving forward as to where she'll live long term?

You won’t like this, but your dd needs to move out for the safety of your parents. Please organise a cleaner to cover the jobs she does once a week

It sounds like your dd moved into her DGM with the sole intention of securing herself a larger share of the inheritance, she is doing this for her own benefit- and fostering a close relationship with your mother op, she is laying the groundwork.

Dd is prepared to do anything it seems to get her way, including reporting you ti the police. Please get sone legal advice. This is a serious accusation.

I think you need to share with your mother your fears around this. She is sound of mind now, but she may not always be and then she becomes very vulnerable to your dds predatory behaviour.

It must be very sad to realise what kind of person your dd is, but you need to protect your parents.

She has a great deal living rent fee for a bit of cleaning and laundry. Your poor mother.

As for the wedding unless she can be civil she can stay away. Time to toughen up op.

What are the rental prices like where your Mum lives OP?

Does DD2 contribute towards the bills at all?

Outside of her job, is she able to have a life or is she tied a lot with care duties?

I agree with a previous poster who said that dialogue needs to come from your Mum. Does your Mum know what lengths your DD2 has gone to, to secure herself more of an inheritance?

Your DD2 very clearly feels that she should have more but someone very quickly needs to point out that she is already having much more because she's living rent-free.

Again, agreeing with a previous poster, is her care responsibilities a burden to her and perhaps causing her to be more irrational? Is it time to rethink this situation?

I'd feel incredibly hurt if my DD went to these lengths to accuse me.

If your DM says that she

"May have mentioned the will" but definitely did not "make any promises" then it is very possible that she talked about the will to DD2.

When people are planning wills they often talk through a number of possibilities with people, and it sounds like she has been talking to both you and DD2.

I suspect that DM has, while not promising, discussed the situation with DD2 and now doesn't want to tell you this as it would make her responsible for the rift.

DD2 is responding badly but she does seem to be responding in the way that a young person might if they thought that they were being given something and then had it taken away.

She may not have realised her grandma as talking through possibilities and what if's and may now be very upset feeling that you don't like her and have persuaded her grandma to give her less.

Agree with this and wonder if she'll (like have seen on MN) ultimately refuse to move out of the property?

I'm sorry but this post says an awful lot about you. You were already blaming your dd for her behaviour when she was 2 years old. How exactly did you expect this to pan out?

I believe that parents are almost always partially responsible for how their child(ren) turn out. There are exceptions, definitely. But your comment about your dd being the same way since she was 2 says an awful lot.