So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

@Fireangels very glad you have a resolution of sorts, and hope that you can all enjoy the wedding. It's awful how many families fall apart over wills, even when the numbers aren't significant - they just feed into underlying tensions and insecurities often.

"She does not ‘care’ for either parent"

"relies on DD so much and wouldn’t be able to cope if she wasn’t there due to her poor mobility"

"She also supports my DM to care for my DF."

I'm struggling to believe a word you say - luckily your daughter has the measure of you and I hope she gets the support she needs to deal with your lies.

I guess we'll never know what unique insight @Maelil01 has into OP's daughter's life.

It is confused to say the least.

Yes, but we're supposed to ignore the obvious contradictions here while believing every word she says about driving an old woman to the solicitors to amend her will.

It was hard to engage with what she was saying because I was trying to work out who everyone was in quite a large cast of relatives, my comment wasn't abrasive or unkind, I got a bit muddled with all the DM, DH, DMIL, DD, DSS, and so forth on here.

I've voted yabu purely because I don't think anyone should be influencing anyone on their wills. It causes arguments as it is and now here's an argument before your mother has even left this life. How does anyone know there will even be money left? Maybe it will all pay for her care.

Thank you so much for this. You’re right, it is not only practical care, but more emotional support for my mum. She worries about being on her own in the house at night when my daughter is on duty, and she knows she can call me night or day, and unless I’m working from the office (usually once a week) I’ll be WFH and can be with her in 20 mins. My sister and I do all her household admin, and we all try to take on the mental load of running the house and dads care.

To the posters worrying that my daughter is stuck either working or caring for my parents, this is not the case at all. She has a wide circle of friends and is often out, and she also takes several holidays each year. She has two rooms in the house for her personal use. A bedroom and a sitting room. Friends often come to visit (which my mum loves - they all call her grandma!) I’m really pleased she does this as she is a young single adult and when I was the same age as she is, I already had a mortgage and was very broke!

It's perfectly easy to follow @Fireangels

Your dd is a sneaky madam and I would find it devastating that my child not only felt these things but kept records etc.

You have to protect yourself however in case she does hold good her threats.

Im glad you’ve aired this with your dd and have cleared the air.

Many couples do tenants in common, it’s protecting what’s been worked for for a generation. The house can’t be sold for care if your mum goes before your dad, because your dad doesn’t own the whole house anymore, so that’s protected OP.

Thank you. Actually, if G-d forbid mum goes 1st, and we are unable to guarantee dads safety, and have to have him in residential care, the house would need to be sold. I believe the local authority allow 12 weeks for this, and DD would have to move out. In this case, mums half of the property would pass to her 7 descendants, and the remaining half would fund dads care.
For those posters thinking we are trying to avoid care costs, this is absolutely not the case. They have already paid tens of thousands of pounds over the last 4 years for his care package. We are very fond of his lovely carers and don’t begrudge this in the least.

Very good advice about the solicitor....confirm there was no coercion.
Your daughter sounds very entitled, sadly.

Exactly this! What do you want darling? What little baubles can I shower you with?

@Fireangels the will sounds fair and reasonable and it’s a shame DD doesn’t agree. Hopefully it will stay as it is and things will settle down.

OP don't feel you have to explain. What your DM has done is a smart move.

Why the fuck SHOULDN'T you try and avoid care costs?! It's called inheritance planning, some pps might want to twist themselves in knots explaining why they, Saints of MN, would give up their entire estate to the state but anyone with an ounce of common sense would severe the joint tenanacy to protect each share. It's reguarly advised by solicitors and is prudent financial advice. It certainly is not deprivation of assets.

@Fireangels is this what you wanted when you posted?

Complete strangers calling your daughter a 'nasty, manipulative, piece of work'?

I feel genuinely sad for your daughter. Her own mother puts her up on social media for any radom commentator to rip her to shreds without even hearing her side of the story ... and her own mother didn't even wish her a happy birthday (voluntarily).

You'll no doubt be back here soon with a 'my daughter has gone no contact and I just don't understand why'.

It does sound like your DD palys a big part in making sure your DM is coping OK. Even if she has free lodgings, still a lot of responsibility for your daughter to know your GM wouldn't be able to cope without her. You say so yourself "My DM has said she’s so shocked about this, but relies on DD so much and wouldn’t be able to cope if she wasn’t there due to her poor mobility. DD loves her DGM so wouldn’t move out anyway“ That's quite a heavy burden for a young person, plus she has her own job and works shifts on top of it all. Worrying about a mortgage and being broke sounds stressful, living, supporting and worrying about your ageing grandparents sounds just as, if not more, stressful. Perhaps give you daughter some credit and tell her how much everyone appreciates what she does.

The whole thing about recording you sounds bonkers though. Has she a perceived reason not to trust you? You say she has been difficult since she was little and compare her to her sister who is very, in your words, easy. Maybe something happened when she was little or felt you favoured the sister. Would be interesting to hear how all this has played out from her point of view.

Go

To the posters worrying that my daughter is stuck either working or caring for my parents, this is not the case at all. She has a wide circle of friends and is often out, and she also takes several holidays each year. She has two rooms in the house for her personal use. A bedroom and a sitting room.

A busy social life and several holidays a year. Yeah the dd is doing very nicely out of the deal. How much would renting 2 rooms in a London house cost a young single person?
2k per month? With bills on top?
She's laughing all the way to the bank. After free loading like this she's now trying to claw more money out of the grandparents' estate. Nice

Wanna buy a bridge?

Are you a friend of the daughter or something?

You seem to be unfamiliar with how AIBU works. How exactly do you think anyone here ever gets the other 'side of the story'? How would that even work? The comments about the daughter are pretty standard for AIBU, actually on the mild side, in fact. Do you post comments weeping and wailing about how unkind people are being and how 'genuinely sad' you are about the feelings of complete strangers on every thread here?

If the daughter doesn't want any criticism on social media, maybe she shouldn't record private conversations and compile a dossier of them with the aim of reporting her own mother to the police because she wants a bigger share of her grandparents' estate? Just a thought.

2K a month for a room in outer London. You're joking aren't you. I just had a look on spareroom and you can get a room in a nice Kensington flat for £1,500 a month, one close to Putney underground station is £690 a month. The Kensington one is bills included and the Putney one is some bills included. Of course she won't be expected to be supporting an elderly woman in those places, an elderly woman who couldn't cope without her.

Where have you got £2k a month from?

OP you still can't get your story straight. In the OP you said, " I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees)."

Now you say "For those posters thinking we are trying to avoid care costs, this is absolutely not the case"

So it was so it couldn't be taken to pay care fees and now it is not trying to avoid care costs.

I bet your DD heard you persuading your mum to do this so grandad's care wouldn't use up their money and she is disappointed to say the least.

@Iwasafool 2 rooms. That's what the dd gets for free. Show me 2 rooms all-in to rent in London for a lot less than 2k a month

Well at £690 a room she could get 2 rooms for under £2k without any responsibilities to granny and granddad. Maybe the OP can give us an idea of the outer London area to get a better idea?

Just for @alongwaytobed how about this one on rightmove? https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/147508430#/?channel=RES_LET

Lovely purpose built flat, lounge and bedroom plus her own bathroom and kitchen. It is £1,300 a month and I think the other £700 will cover the bills but realistically as a young single woman with a good social circle she is more likely to want to do a house share with other young people.

Or maybe look at a scheme like this https://www.shareandcare.co.uk/homeowners-homeshare/# where a young person lives rent free for 10 hours a week practical help to the householder, no actual care just a bit of support and light housework. Looks like what the OPs daughter is doing is quite normal and not some rip off but both parties not needing to pay a contribution for the services of the organisation.