So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

Ah , see dhc was dgc so the remaining 25% goes 4 even ways. Is she thinking she is due 10% and her sibling/cousins 5%? Even so it sounds grabby and maybe she needs to focus attention on something else. Not sure you ignoring her birthday is appropriate though, just seems inflammatory and reinforcing her sense of not being treated fairly.

Already replied with one comment, but keep thinking about your daughter. The way you talk about her makes me think that you don't like her very much and certainly don't understand her. I think she may be ND.

To all those posters talking about deprivation- please get your facts right. The OP is talking about separating her mums’ half from her dad’s so that only his dad’s gets used to pay for care. This is standard practice and perfectly acceptable.

Not heard of a DHC. Just stick to the common acronyms. Makes it a bit easier to understand.

I would definitely do this.

What an awful situation. Your poor mother too.

If she reports you to the police for your part in discussing the change of a will from you receiving 33% and your DD nothing, to one that reduces your share to 25% and gives her just over 6%, they'll just laugh. Likewise if she challenges the will when her GM dies (which would cost her a fortune and which she has zero chance of winning).

What she is doing is extremely hurtful, but legally you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Your DD is being ridiculous. She’s lucky to get any inheritance as it often comes to children of deceased first, rather than shared out amongst everyone. She is clearly out for what money she can get

Absolutely that. There is nothing remotely unfair about protecting DM's half. It's standard procedure in a situation when one half of a couple needs care.

Your DD probably does love her DGM. She just loves her DGM money more.

I've read your updates, OP and tbh it sounds to me like your 'DD' is only helping out with her grandparents because she thought she'd get a nice payday!

I'd be disgusted if a child of mine did this - threatening you and lying over money to be left when a woman who is still alive dies? It's grim.

That's a shame that you work in this field yet fail to understand why this is not deprivation as the gf does not own that half of the house and only would do if the gm left it to him or he inherited it under joint tenants.

Yes it’s certainly not against the law but is it morally right?
So I as a taxpayer may end up funding the ops dad’s care (a man I don’t know) so that the op can inherit a lump sum.
Do you think that is fair?

Morally yes because half the home is the grandmother's, she can morally leave it where she likes she is under no obligation to use it to pay for her husbands care.

Besides if he remarried etc etc....... its recommended in any case.

Inheritance is never guaranteed for anyone but in most cases people will pass money down to their children. My granny gave all her grandchildren some money and a little bit to her great grandchildren but nowhere near as much as her children got (and rightly so, I was surprised to get anything to be honest). When my paternal grandparents died I inherited then but only because my dad died before them so his share was split between me and my siblings. Although of course I would have preferred for my dad to be still alive and he have it all.

What's there to like?
She's not a child anymore.

If she is like this then why should OP like her?

Me too. I lost the track of the post.

Maybe the case she's building against her mum that she intends to take to the police might have something to do with it... just guessing 🙄

I know I'll get a lot of quote-replies for this, but I don't think inheritances should be equal by default.

For example, I'm a lot better off than my sister as she hasn't been able to work much due to her MH. I'm also a lot busier with a family while dsis is single and child free. If my Dsis moved in with my dm, when dm becomes elderly but not yet frail, she'd be the one listening to my mum, giving her emotional support, as well as practical help like groceries and cleaning, while I'd find it difficult to give the time... in that scenario I'd feel it's pretty fair if my dm allocated her more of the inheritance.

In fact I've already told my dm that I understand my sister needs more and I'd rather she provided well for her and not to worry about giving less to me or skipping me entirely and giving to my dc.

Only one pp has said it so far on this thread, but I also agree that skipping a generation with inheritance is also fine. I've seen it in several families, legacies being put into trust for the young-adult grandchildren.

I'm not defending the dd's outburst, but like I said upthread, it's useful to see her point of view of why she feels she's been treated unfairly.

You all sound quite money grabbing tbh

What a bloody awful mess. Sorry OP but your daughter sounds foul.
I think these kinds of family disputes are heinous. Arguing about who gets what from the estate of people who are still very much alive ffs - and they're having to listen to their so called loved ones picking over their carcasses.

She will be dead so have absolutely no use for any money, but she doesn’t want to use it to make her husband’s life better, a man she may have been married to for 50+ years.
Instead taxpayers are forced to pay for his care, no way we can opt out of funding it.

Yes it’s definitely legal, but is it right?

Is it also right that home owners of modest estates that have spent their whole life paying tax and paid their way in life to not be able to leave the family home to their kids? Youve worked your whole life, contributing and not claiming any benifits , and not be able to pass down one house you killed yourself to own and pay off and then give that back to the government too. No that's also not right. the person who needs care has probably paid tax their whole life!! The government bleeds most of us dry and they want the house at the end too!! Not that's not right.

And yes if people are unable to care for themselves then its right that the government funds it. Or is it only those who invested in assets who should pay?

It doesn't encourage a good attitude to saving and investing

Agreed. She’s your daughter whatever has happened

Don't know if it's me, but I find aspects of this very confusing and don't think it's been helped by the way the original post was written. OP, I'm afraid the business of reporting you to the police for some kind of abuse would have put at end to any idea of 'celebrating' your daughter's birthday. I'd say save your money for a solicitor's advice - you need this, and soon.

Your DD is clearly close to your mother, she is offering her lots of support and it must take a lot of weight off you and your siblings as you know she is there. Personally I think a bit more for her than the other GC wouldn't be inappropriate but that is obviously your mother's decision.

What do you think she has heard, is she making it up or did she really hear stuff that she has interpreted as you putting pressure on your mother? Did your planning about the deeds of the house to avoid your father having more money for his care alarm her? Keeping half the house for you and your siblings does mean he could get to the point that he would only have the care SS will provide which might be inferior to what he could have if he had the money. Are you all happy with that?

It is important to get this sorted now and not let it fester. There has obviously been some confusion about what your mother has said and your DD is hurt and I'm glad you have contacted her.