So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

I'm sorry OP, your dd sounds horribly selfish and entitled. I'll bet she couldn't wait to move in and live rent free in London!! And now as if that's not enough of a leg up, she's complaining that she wants more in the will.

Tbh grandchildren are lucky to get anything directly. The usual thing would be for the children to inherit, because in turn it then passes down to the grandchildren anyway, when they inherit from their parents.

Let your dd go to the police if she wants and show herself as a spiteful grasping cow.

At the very minimum by ensuring that the amount of money available for her father's care is minimised. Then there's also the question of what changes her mother intended before OP talked her into the current arrangements.

Now, will you answer my question of how you've calculated the market values of the care provided, and accommodation received, by OP's daughter?

What the fuck?

This isn't the major issue, I know, but I doubt she has any legal case as the will seems to be fairly divided between your DM's children and grandchildren. If she were able to take it to court - which I doubt - that would probably soak up the entire inheritance in legal fees. It might be worth asking someone on the legal chat if she could possibly have any case.

As far as the other issues go - yes, she has beena cting as a carer, but she has been living rent-free which is a massive financial boost these days, so quid pro quo, I think.

Could your DM talk to her and tell her she wasn't mentioned in the will at all (if I've understood your original post correctly) until you intervened?

If she dies within 7 years is it not disregarded and her half can be used for care fees anyway?

The Op didn't "literally drive her mum to the solicitor to change a will in her favour" !!!!

The original Will stated that the Op would receive 33%, the new Will states that Op will receive 25%

Op now gets less because the grandchildren have been inserted in to the will.

Did you even read all Op's posts?

So frustrating.

Are you on crack?

The "child" is attempting to get her mother prosecuted so she can inherit more money. She doesn't deserve a birthday card.

The irony of this being posted by a username that suggests alcohol dependency

Only on MN, would someone leap to such a far reaching conclusion.

I have to agree with @gillbil. I think your DM isn't being entirely honest with you here and is trying to run with hares and hunt with the hounds. I bet your DM has spoken quite a lot about the will with your daughter perhaps at your daughter's instigation? I also bet your DM has probably told your daughter that her inheritance will be increased. All of this has come about because your daughter is probably quite dominating and your DM just wants a quiet life and for her daily life to be comfortable.

You need to get absolute legal confirmation that your DM is in sound mind regarding her will, this is to protect yourself from your daughter's malicious intent. I honestly don't know how I would reconcile with my daughter if she pulled this sort of stunt? I do know I would also be bitterly hurt and would have to sadly acknowledge that she wasn't a nice person and couldn't ever be trusted again. Heartbreaking for you and I'm so sorry it has come to this.

How on earth is that relevant to anything? And the 'caring duties' done by OP's daughter means that the daughter is getting to live rent-free in London. Not a bad deal for a few chores.

I honestly don't expect that any of my relatives 'should' leave me anything. It's their money, if they want to leave it to a cat or all to my sister thats entirely their perogative. It sounds like she moved in with grandma hoping to get the house and now it hasnt turned out like that she is turning on you trying to force her own way. Can your mother not speak to her and explain to her. Personally I couldnt dream of interfering with a familiy members will and especially jf they are not even dead.

I'm prettyyyyy sure I wouldn't wish a Happy Birthday to someone who's been so spitefully nasty, was eavesdropping on private conversations and recording them without permission, and threatened to report me to the police because she's so greedy and grabby. You do realise that OP's daughter is an adult, not a child, yes? Her birthday is just one day in the year, for pity's sake.

The OP says in her first post that she took her mother to the solicitors and she is a beneficiary. Admittedly she doesn't mention a car, maybe she took a taxi, or walked with her, caught a bus with her but she is clear that she took her mother to a solicitors.

Her half could be used for her own care fees from today, should she need that level of care. There is no seven year cut off. That's for inheritance tax.

There are two sides to every story and something about the OPs story does not add up. It is an altruistic thing for a young person to be a caregiver to two elderly grandparents, how much has this impacted your daughters life at a time when she should be working hard, socializing, and meeting new potential life partners? She should not be treated the same as the other grandchildren in the Will, certainly. It sounds like she has borne the brunt of the care for the elderly couple in this family, is this not the responsibility of their children, not grandchildren? It seems the OP is happy to allow their daughter to do the job of one of the children, but not happy for her to be recognized in the will as such. Therein lies the hypocrisy.

Your daughter is a brat. But get her to talk to your mum directly given she is still alive and satisfy herself as to who is doing what

To keep the peace you could offer to forego part of your inheritance and pass it straight to your DDs or some just to DD2 because she's such a help to your DM, but you certainly don't have to.

Explain to her that in the previous will she was getting nothing, and that it's entirely up to your DM who she leaves anything to. As said above somewhere get DM to write a letter to go with the will saying she knows your DD2 thinks she should get more, but she has divided the inheritance to be fair to all her descendants (dcs and gcs) and doesn't want it challenged.

DD2 does sound like she has some sort of paranoid personality problem.

IANAL but as PP said although most will contests fail, one reason they sometimes (rarely) succeed is if the claimant is in some way vulnerable and dependent on the person. DD2 might be preparing to claim she would be homeless without that house, and unable to move in with you because of how you’ve treated her (in her view).

I would definitely get further legal advice about the will.

Otoh she is helping look after your parents so this is helpful and saves on additional costs.

I hope you can repair your relationship with DD2 but it is going to be difficult after this. I guess just try to keep things as calm as posssible and don’t rise to any baiting, at the same time as keeping communicating. She’s not a terrible person maybe it’s some form of mental health issue. Hope you’re ok💐

@Newmarket1985 the OP stated that she does a lot of care and support - presumably while also paying her own mortgage and running her own house. It clearly suited the selfish daughter down to the ground to move in and live rent free in London! Must have saved her a fortune!

She took her DM to the solicitor to reduce her inheritance in favour of including the DGCs. If she hadn't she would be getting 33% along with her two siblings. Now they each get 25% with the other 25% divided amongst the DGCs. Should DM single out the DGC that helps her out more, maybe but it's up to her.

I'm glad you messaged her. I was going to advise that. It doesn't matter what's happened, you're the parent and you need to message your daughter on their borthday

Will the daughter still be expecting a share of her parents house. She’s determined to get a grandchild share and the large amount she would pay in rent to live with her grandparents. By doing this she could be written out of her parents will and find herself homeless when both grandparents die. She may then want to live rent free with her parents but due to her behaviour that would be highly inappropriate. This needs a person not involved to get all parties together so everyone is clear about the situation. Granddaughter seems to feel owed but forgot she’s been living rent free . She doesn’t have to live with them she chooses to.

A solicitor is thorough and always makes sure that what goes in a will is the person whose will it it decision and they are not influenced by anyone else.