So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

I agree @Livelovebehappy - the current system penalises people who have already (mostly, know there will be a small number of exceptions) paid mortgages, interest on that lending, national insurance, income tax, council tax and all the other myriad of financial safety nets that we are asked to pay - life insurance etc. To penalise people who have played the game and paid into both the public and private sector for 5, 6 and 7 decades and rinse them for their only asset, for sometimes a compromised level of service/care at the end of life seems so wrong. But the general public routinely rejects nationalising this service and national care services etc at general elections.

My colleague and I were talking about this about an hour ago when talking about nursery and care home fees - we are routinely told that the running costs of these places are high and that staff aren't paid well but someone, somewhere is benefitting and making profit off the need for care of our young children and elderly people and THAT seems morally repugnant to me, not the OP trying to protect her Mum's assets.

You need to nip this in the bud asap, otherwise it will get worse and others will be dragged in.
I do think that your DM, whilst spending lots of time with her GD will absolutely have talked about the will. I can imagine they’re close and your DM may have talked about your GD receiving something as a thank you. It might have become a bigger conversation…
first, I’d sit down with just mum and daughter. Everyone says their piece calmly.
From there you can make an appointment with solicitor for advice (ask what he would require in this case)
Then police…? Be clear in your head, what boundary this crosses for you.

I never said she ‘just’ puts the shopping away. I think she thinks she’s entitled to more inheritance than anyone else in the family due to the help she gives her grandmother. She might be right, who knows?

Does your daughter realise if your mother has to go into care , she won't inherit anything?

Private equity firms aren't rushing into the care sector as an act of charity.

I think your mother needs to take advice from the solicitor who drew up the new will. Perhaps she needs to prove capacity to make the changes - if she needs company, you and your daughter should accompany her

Send a card to DD2. That said, the money is your DM's to do with as she pleases. None of you have a right to it. If she decides to blow the lot on a world cruise that is her right. Your DD2 seems very entitled and she is being abusive in secretly recording conversations - this is illegal, btw, does she know this? Eavesdropping is just rude and nasty - presume she does know this. Point out to her in writing that her DGM's estate is hers to leave as she will. That % is a sensible way to divide any inheritance and that provision must be made for her DGF in the unlikely case that her DGM dies first. Then tell her to put up and shut up - but do it politely, not those words! - and get herself in a good humour for her DS's wedding, and think herself lucky she is getting anything (what has made her go to live with DGPs btw? - any chance she was hoping she would thus earn gratitude and more inheritance? - just a thought).

To quote OP, her daughter "doesn't provide care" , but her mother "relies on DD so much and wouldn’t be able to cope if she wasn’t there due to her poor mobility".

This fluidity of the narrative combined with OP literally driving her mum to the solicitor to change a will in her favour does not sit well with me.

Did you actually read OP’s post?
Her daughter is a nasty, manipulative piece of work.

I know this is not the point of the thread but OP, I dont like the way you have minimised your DD’s role in your DM’s care. You said it isn’t “care” but then said:

“She does not ‘provide care’, She does the household laundry, cleans the house and puts away the delivered groceries."

You also said: “My DM has said she’s so shocked about this, but relies on DD so much and wouldn’t be able to cope if she wasn’t there due to her poor
mobility. "

And thus contradicted yourself. Regardless of the inheritance or whether you DD is right or not, the above does sound like care to me.

Surely the solution is for your DM to leave the new will drafted but unsigned. It was a potentially good idea but has caused ill-feeling. If she pre-deceases your DF it will enhance the assets needed for his care (and gladden the hearts of all the grinches on here banging on about deprivation of assets). Either way DD2 will get nothing and serves her right. She sounds like a PITA.

For extra fun, apologise to her fulsomely, say of course you shouldn't have taken DM to the solicitor and she won't be changing her will now after all so all well that ends well 😀

DD lives in the house rent free, the little she does is not much more than “payment in kind”. I she was having to stand on her own 2 feet she’d be paying rent.

Im very sorry for you. Your daughter sounds malignant

I think you misread it, OP's daughter didn't drag an elderly lady to a solicitors' office for her financial gain.

Do you know she doesnt pay rent? If she is looking after her, she probably should not anyway?

Hmm, does your DD have another full time job?
The fact your DM doesn't want to have stronger boundaries and ask her to move out, because shes so required, might mean that actually DD is acting more of a carer than you've been told, and actually maybe your DM is so reliant on your DD she may have given a more exaggerated idea of what she'll leave DD so she wouldn't move out..maybe.

But her (DD) recording conversations about secret meetings, someone trying to influence a dying elder and general sneakiness is very soap opera...is your DD neuro diverse?
If she is, and watches alot of tv/social media, her connections to real life can be filtered through what she sees on TV.

Either way I'm sorry you're going through this and hope you're able to reconnect and get each other back soon

I'd be interested to hear how you've arrived at the relative market values of care her daughter provides and the accommodation she receives. I certainly haven't seen enough information in this post to calculate those.

Any home-owning couple with a modicum of sense will have made the same arrangements regarding their home, nothing to do with 'entitlement', another of the over-used words when one disagrees with someone's actions.

I’d invite your spiteful daughter to go to the police. Let her present her ‘evidence’. Most of it would be inadmissible anyway due to lack of context etc.

Let them speak to your DM. She’s not got dementia or any other mental impairment. Not a lot for you to fret over and will remove the threats from your daughter straight away.

How did OP “gain” by taking her mother to the solicitor?

What? No it isn't. My mum's level of care cost between £5-6000 a month over the years, and the government paid not a penny of it, until she ran out of funds. Funnily enough, when her funds ran out, the same care home only charged the council £4k. So mum had been subsidising those who had not been funding themselves all that time. Now that made me angry. Buy all means ask people who can afford it, to pay for their own care. But don't add 50% on to help pay for another resident.

“In her favour”?
previous will didn’t mention grandchildren AT ALL.
as a result of the OP driving her mum to the solicitor the grandchildren now have a share in the will and the share of OP and her siblings has reduced. How is that in her favour?

OP had said she doesn't pay rent.

She arranged for some of her own inheritance to be diverted to her daughters. The horror! 🙄