So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

My DD moved in with her nana to help her, dementia. We managed to pay her as a carer and effectively gave her my carers allowance. I was caring for MiL too but we didn't need the money.

It's now a few years on and I'm taking DD out for the day to say thank you for giving up her life for a few months.

You mean placate her so that she knows that she will gain financially in the end?

I had read somewhere that sometimes it's good practice to write a letter along with your will explaining things which the solicitor reads and the court can hear if she tries to contest the will. For example, your mother could explain that her GD helps her with chores and therefore lives at home rent-free and bills-free so saves e.g. £1400 in rent + £500 in bills, council tax + groceries. And that by no means does she do all the caring as other members who don't live at home also visit routinely to help (mention type of help). If she contests the will it will be her word against her GM's record. It might expedite the process without too much

Also, has your DM said that the house is to get sold? No court can force the sale of the house. Otherwise, just like a pp said people like your DD just settle in and take over and therefore effectively become the sole beneficiaries. She knows very well what she's doing.

I am wondering, does she help her GM shower/bath herself, get dressed, comb her hair etc as this is important as well.

Jesus christ there's no guarantee of an inheritance. It could all go on care. Hate these conversations anticipating someone's death and what you get out of it.

I think you maybe need to reflect on yourself and consider if your daughter has good reason to think this. You have contradicted yourself in saying DD helps her Gran with care of grandfather then said she doesn't provide care. You have said you didn't treat your children differently but you talk about them differently in this post and it's clear you have a dislike for the daughter in question. You ignored her birthday.
You have had conversations with your mum about the inheritance, are you sure you haven't given advice that influenced her? Or that could be misconstrued that way by people overhearing the conversations?
Would be really interesting to hear your daughters side of the story. A lot of people are jumping to conclusions about her based on your version of events.

I think it’s very sly and sneaky that she has recorded you. She has done something very calculating that she cannot take back.

If she’s smart then I am assuming she does believe that the recording appears to add weight to her argument.

Although she loves her GM I am certain that she feels a bigger sense of entitlement simply because she is helping out. Often carers who fall into this role feel the same way, with a heap of resentment aimed at others who are not helping but who will benefit financially.

In your shoes I would ask for the recordings to be deleted and give her plenty space to process her anger.

It’s tricky when our own children do things that are unacceptable to us isn’t it? It’s not as easy to cut them out but god I’d be keeping her at arms length for a while at the very least! Afterall she was prepared to report you to the police over something relatively minor (3.75%)

Even the most brash of children would challenge it verbally but not see fit to record their own mother unknowingly

Good luck with this one!

I don't see how anyone knows what's actually happened here, but on the face of it DM's mother has capacity and has decided to change her will from "everything goes to children and grandchildren get nothing" to "children receive X percentage of the estate and grandchildren receive a slightly lower percentage of the estate". She's done this with the help of a solicitor who would have been carefully considering whether DM had capacity to do this and whether any sort of inappropriate influence or force was at play. If DM hadn't changed her will then OP's DD2 wouldn't be getting anything at all.

If OP's DM had previously told her DD2 that she'd get more than she has then obviously DD2 will be disappointed. But recording conversations and threatening to report her mother to the police because she's getting 6% instead of 10% is pretty unpleasant and I'm not surprised that OP is upset.

Thank you all so much for your input. I truly appreciate all of your perspectives and it’s reassuring that I’m not going mad!
To answer a few questions - my siblings and I all have POA for both parents health and wealth. I am not an executor as I refused to take on that role. My daughter works full time unsocial hours, night shifts etc. She does not ‘care’ for either parent. We have 2 paid carers who visit 4 times daily to look after DF and his hospital bed. DM provides his meals and medication. DD does household chores.
I messaged her last night then sat up until she went on break in the small hours. We spoke on the phone and there were lots of tears. We’ve thrashed out a ‘truce’. I’ve just got back from delivering some meals to my parents, and DM has accepted her part in all the misunderstandings that have arisen over her having spoken to lots of family members about this. She knows that any decisions going forward should not be discussed with anyone, and that I will be playing no further part in getting her will renewed.
Once again, thank you all.

That’s a great update op. I’m glad things have resolved and things are better with your dd. You were very gracious to reach out in the circumstances. I hope she has apologised to you or at least explained why she acted like she did. And I am glad your dm has accepted her role in this too. Glad it’s all on its way to being repaired before the wedding.

Honestly, wills are a nightmare and always contentious in families. She shouldn't be eavesdropping on private conversations

Sorry but this was rather convoluted and there were a lot of acronyms and I struggled to understand what is going on

If you'd bothered reading OP 's early update you'd have seen her post where she made it clear.

I have no doubt your heart is in the right place, but I wondered if this rings any bells for you. We can easily get into a victim – persecutor – rescuer dynamic with family, and it seems like you’ve got quite a bit of that going on. DD2 feels victimised in some way and so is lashing out at you and becoming persecutory. In turn, you feel victimised (understandable of course) and I would say withholding a birthday message is quite persecutory as well, even if it doesn’t feel like that’s where it’s coming from, certainly your daughter will see it that way. On top of this, you have only then sent her a message because your other ‘good’ daughter has pleaded with you too, so actually the ‘good’ daughter is arguably being giving preferential treatment in this situation, and if your ‘difficult’ daughter has any inkling that this is the reason you reached out to her with a birthday message It’s only going to further promote the idea that you care more about how her sister feels.
I was given some very wise advice about this dynamic recently, if you are caught in this cycle, the best you can hope for is that you will be able to victimise your child. Clearly we don’t want to do that to our kids. The alternative is to step outside of the cycle, refused to respond like a victim or a persecutor, be calm, stay in a healthy adult mode and act with rational compassion. Also not triangulating other family members into the dispute. Difficult as it’s so ingrained, certainly the sort of thing A good family therapist would be able to help you with even if you’re the only one seeing them. If this is a dynamic that’s been going since your children were small then it’s going to take work to unpack, but I would hedge a bet you would be able to make a lot (I mean a radical amount) of improvement on your own by responding differently. Yes, your daughters may be adult, but we are always triggered into behaving like kids with our parents as well so regardless of what you think is fair, on a pragmatic level, you’re in the best position to do something about this.
Regardless of this meltdown she’s had It’s extremely unpalatable reading people calling your daughter a viper or wicked on this thread. A question for you to think about privately, how much of your response to this has been to simply feel validated, and how much of you feels protective towards her for being talked about like this? She is not a viper and she is not wicked, and if your response to her behaviour is just to collapse into a victim state, then of course you’re going to be looking for validation, but it’s not going to get you anywhere good.
good luck, parenting is hard!

What a situation.

And I agree all very unfortunate.

But for all those equating living with elderly, to help and support to extent that they couldn't continue to live independently without - have you ever actually done it long term? Or at all? Ever?

Quid pro quo in lieu of rent? I'm not so sure about that at all.

Do you have any notion of how relentless and long term stressful (no matter how much you love them, if a partner is bed bound towards end of life) it may be? Yes, the pace of life is slow - so you may not recognise the effort involved even to just mentally support someone else - but by God, it is there. And to do it with love and affection - that is priceless.

Op, your daughter is working nights. Incredibly stressful for the body in and of itself. And during her awake time, supporting your Mum. Yes, you are doing life admin, but you do not live there. You can go home. She has no respite. She is essentially sacrificing her young life to spend time and offer support to her Grandparents, one of whom has serious health issues and the other mobility issues. She could be having a whale of a time working in a less expensive part of the world (arguably much nicer than London), meeting new people and living her life. Instead she is where she is, yes hopefully saving her wages - which is eminently sensible - watching her Dsis get married and essentially NC with her Mum. A pp asked about her mental health - this is a very fair question. Not good by the sound of it. Someone independent should check in on her.

Her staying benefits the whole family. As pp have mentioned care may be £££ more without her. I do think it deserves at least not to be dismissed in the here and now (the will element is entirely up to your DM).

If you and your DM disagree entirely and think she is an entitled freeloader, then don't let her continue to sacrifice her young life if she is only doing it on a promise of inheritance that may never happen. Maybe someone else in the family could move in instead?

Completely missing the point of the thread, but it's sad when its universally accepted to priortise inheritance over paying for care.

Now, imagine if you'd just communicated with your daughter in the first place instead of ignoring her birthday & trashing her as a money grabbing hearse chaser to strangers on the Internet.

Imagine her reaction if she ever read this thread.

A good resolution op.

But, just be wary of how much you tiptoe around your daughter. You had done nothing wrong. If your DM wants your help with the will in the future, that's ok.

Do you think she's pressure your mum to change it now? Could your mum be vulnerable to that? It sounds like she expects it because she lives with them to be honest,

Be careful.

I agree with this post. I read your update OP, but your posts didnt not sit easy with me either. I think you need to reflect on your relationship with your DD. You sound like you do play favourites, and she does provide your DM care. You cant and should not minimise that, given she is there in that house more than you. Being polite on MN and repeating I dont expect anything, whilst going to the solicitors with your elderly mum sounds a bit of a fakery to me. Yes yes you will say you added the GC there but that was your DM’s wish. There are two sides to this story. Good luck to you both.

That's a great update OP.

I think it was good that (1) you didn't just send a card and a present as usual, and (2) that you reached out to her and you managed to discuss things in depth.

The birthday thing may sound unimportant, but it means standing up to her unreasonable behaviour. Do carry on calling her out on all of it, every time (or at least most times).

I have a relative that sounds very much like your DD from your description (not based on this one-off carry on about your DM's inheritance, but the jeaolusy and the being always right and kicking off at the drop of a hat). This relative was only rarely pulled up on their behaviour when younger to 'keep the peace'. Now in their 50s, they have become utterly intractable and have hurt so, so many people along the way.

Elfblossom , that's exactly what OP has done - communicating with her DD.

No-one is doing that. The change to tenants in common is to ensure that there is still money available for OP's mum's care when the father dies.

I'd still get her your DD to move out OP. Hire a cleaner once a week if that is all she is doing. Will save you a shitload of hassle in the longterm or she is going to say it her her residence. Good luck.

I'd be upset too op. I would have sent a birthday card though - u are still the parent and clearly she needs parenting still !! She sounds hardwork

Honestly she gets free rent for doing washing and chores she must have saved a fortune she doesn't "need" the inheritance she "wants" the inheritance

Spectacularly missing the point.

This.
I understand why you are so upset with her, but not even acknowleging her birthday, even if you are at odds, is quite a big step and won't do anything to get communication re instated. How would you feel if it was the other way around.
If she has falsely accused you, you could ask that she gives you a chance to explain, but by ignoring her birthday, you will only confirm her belief that you don't care about her, which isn't true.
Her behaviour isn't great and it does sound like she owes you an apology, but you need, as the "adult" to help re open communications so that can take place.