So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

The dd does not provide any care. There are 4 carers coming in daily for the DF. The DM cooks the meals for him. All the granddaughter does is some housework- which she'd have to do if she lived in her own house! She's working full time so has an income. Imagine being able to live rent free in London in exchange for a few normal household chores! She sounds a right self serving piece of work

Sorry Cross posted. I see that you did message her OP. Apologies.

Did your DD think she would inherit more because she is providing care? Well now she knows she’s not she can make her choice to go or stay. I’ve seen first hand relatives who thought they were “entitled’ to more than they were left and it was all very unpleasant. Talk to the solicitor and get your ducks in a row. Give DD no room to manoeuvre. She’s luck to be left anything and if she carries on like this your DM would be as well to donate her slice of the. Inheritance to the cats protection league. Teach her a lesson.

I just don't get how she thinks you've fucked her .... You've fucked yourself out of money by letting her add the grandchildren in ... Why would you be coercing someone onto giving you less money upon they're death 🤨

DD wants to have her mother prosecuted. She has no grounds for her allegations . She'd get no birthday present from me either.

The care system is fucked. My nan has dementia. She is s paying £2k a week. Is that reasonable? In my mind it's disgusting and profiteering. She worked until over 70. She loved working. She won't have a single penny left for anyone to inherit. She won't even be able to afford her own funeral at the end.

Sorry but if your DD goes to the police with her recorded conversations they’re going to laugh her out of the station. Your mum used a solicitor to draft her Will, solicitors know to look out for signs of coercion or incapacity. She’d get nowhere and make herself look more of a fool than she already does.

Good update op.

No court can force the sale of the house.

That’s not strictly true they often do in acrimonious divorces, and occasionally in inheritance cases where all the beneficiaries can’t agree and the executor can’t resolve it, or the house is in disrepair.

Meanwhile, someone who has never worked, never paid tax, never paid Nat Ins, and has been provided for by the rest of us, for all of their days, will get a free place in a care home too. Wonderful, eh?

Yes, my brother in law was in a care home for a couple of years which cost £2k a week and the council paid every penny. It was by far the best home in the area. Not sure why the put him in there.

He was still getting his pension and other benefits and spent all his money on alcohol as he had no outgoings at all. My husband had access to his bank account so we could see what he was doing.

She won't even be able to afford her own funeral at the end.

Of course she will. You stop being self funding when you’re down to your last £23.5k. That’s enough for four funerals.

The typical situation would be to leave the bulk of your estate to your children and only smaller (possibly token) amounts directly to grandchildren, so what your mother has done with her will is absolutely normal. Your daughter sounds unpleasantly grasping.

I really believe that money does bring out the worse in some people.
I find it sad when people are more obsessed with what they'll get than the parents /grandparents passing.
It might be better coming from your mum to explain to her what really was said and going on
I understand why you are upset I would be roo.

Btw my post is directed at your daughter not you

Your DD sounds very greedy. The estate should cover the needs of OPs parents first.

It's my understanding that spouses should leave their estate to the surviving spouse, only after the second one dies do things pass down to the next (ie OPs) generation. DD should wait her turn.

If anyone was exhibiting bullying and coercive behaviour, it was OP's daughter.

I hope the 'truce' holds, as her behaviour has been gross and unreasonable.

All the D this and D that is immensely annoying and unnecessary.

So your avaricious daughter is upset she’ll be getting 6.25% as opposed to 10%? She sounds bloody awful and like she’s offering care in the hope of financial reward.

Trying to think the best of people here...

Maybe your daughter just plain misunderstood? Where she got the idea of 10% from is anyones guess. Maybe grandma DID say "around 10%" at some point, when just ballparking ideas around. Maybe DD heard someone say "ten grand" and got confused?

It seems a huge step to be considering calling the police about financial coercion, even if it does come from a good place. If it does come from a good place, then your DD must have been very seriously concerned.

The whole throw-back to her being a toddler, jealous of her older sister seems a stretch to todays situation. Even if she has got a history of being rather "me, me, me", her calling the police because she's jealous of you... That still seems a massive stretch.

Perhaps she thought she was due a larger chunk compared to siblings and other grandchildren, because she actually has an active role with them and thought she might be favoured because of that?

Either way, this all sounds very petty and silly. Just sit down together and talk about it.
And not even sending her a card for her birthday is mean... If her heart is in the right place (and only you can know that, not strangers on the internet), to cut her off will only make things worse.

Sorry the current situation is a lot more hurtful than her birthday, I can understand if she was a child but she is an adult.

So she's not a carer for your mum but your mum couldn't cope without her 🤔

Seriously????!!!!

"DD2, you've eavesdropped on private conversations, made horrible accusations and compiled a 'dossier' so that you can report me to the police......but hey, Happy Birthday sweetie, you'll always be Mummy's little pumpkin! " 🤔 🙄

It’s called tax planning. It’s not a moral failing my love.

Don’t be so ridiculous!

If it was advertised as a job it would be snapped up. Housework in loo of rent . No bills , cosy home. Miriam margolis has a lodger , they pay rent and help a number of hours a week. I very much doubt they feel entitled like ur daughter. The article came across as both sides benefit. I wonder how her cousins feel about her behaviour.

If it was advertised as a job, I could be wrong, but I really suspect Op would be paying a great deal.

I managed to cross post with your update Op earlier. Really glad situation is much more positive.

Carers just about have time to pop a pre-prepared plate in the microwave, so I totally sympathise with your level of effort to always have meals ready and organised. Mountains of laundry, never ending mental load of appropriate food prep etc.

A few years ago I also lived-in when one parent bed bound and carers arriving 4 times a day (times a bit random, so sometimes personal tasks just had to be undertaken before they arrived). I would not equate my role as one of simply 'light cleaning' during that time. It might not be called 'care' (it absolutely was at times, although accept this might not be the case for your DD), but there is also a benefit to simply having someone on hand and there was a definite element of mental toll on me - I did it with a heart and a half and was very relieved to be on hand to help, but only in hindsight did I recognise the physical symptoms I experienced were stress related and how I neglected my own life.

Look out for each others' mental health, both yours and your DD's. Sometimes when people do hurtful and illogical things, there is a small nugget of reasonable-reason buried under distress. I may well be projecting here, but if someone were to say to you 'sure somebody else looks after your parents, you are just dropping in some meals & a bit of paperwork, no real impact in your life', what would be your thoughts? Now what if you were at that precious young, free and single time of your life? I am not so sure I would let one of my children undertake living with GP's for any long stretch of time. Sometimes needs-must, but I would be eternally grateful, which is maybe how your Mother feels.

In any case I obviously do not know the exact circumstances, other than what your family are managing is hard and unless or until someone experiences it, I don't think they appreciate how much hidden effort goes into keeping all the cogs turning. All very best, never easy.