So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

Sorry, I find this really difficult to follow with all the acronyms. Basically your child is accusing you of coercing your mother into leaving less money to her grandchildren, so you yourself inherit more? Sorry if I’m misunderstanding.
Whats your relationship with her usually like?

Your daughter sounds like a real viper. Shockingly greedy and underhanded. I would be every bit as upset as you are. You must be a bloody wreck.

What a horrible situation to be in. I would make a move to protect myself. Either let the police or solicitor who made the will talk to DM while she is still there so they can ascertain there was no coercion, and get that on record.

Your DD's attitude to her grandmother's money stinks. She's not entitled to anything and should think herself lucky that her generation has been considered at all. Does she have mental health issues by chance? I'd be gobsmacked if one of my children planned to report me to the police for something like this.

Sorry I can’t understand this can you do a simple overview? Can’t follow it the way this is written.

I don't understand why you wouldn't mark your child's birthday, even if you have had a fight. I think that's really hurtful.

So basically she feels she’s not getting payback for moving in with them and is blaming you?
Did she pay rent while she lived there?

Wow, that is shocking and you must be devastated that your daughter is prepared to report you to the police. If your mum had no will your dd would get nothing. I can understand why you have taken a step back from your dd and not sent birthdays card/gift, she really doesn’t deserve it. Eavesdropping on conversations, making notes. What does your dh say about all this?

Stompythedinosaur · Today 23:43
I don't understand why you wouldn't mark your child's birthday, even if you have had a fight. I think that's really hurtful”

Er, possibly because she eavesdropped private conversations and is accusing her mother of financial coercion.

Awful behaviour from your daughter, she's shown her true colours

Sorry, I know it’s confusing- thanks for reading it all!
So DMs current will which was made many years ago when I was a child, leaves my parents estate to each other, and then in equal parts (33%) to my 2 siblings and me.

DM has now decided that she wants to include her 4 grandchildren, so it will be 25% to me and siblings, with the remainder being split for the grandchildren 6.25% each.

DD2 is convinced DM promised the grandchildren 10% each (which DM absolutely denies and which was never mentioned to me) so DD2 is convinced that I’ve coerced my DM to reduce the grandchildren’s share,

What age is your daughter?

I can understand why you wouldn't want to mark her birthday or celebrate her in any way given her behaviour. She really is behaving like an entitled brat

Also struggled to follow the whole he said she said.
But I can get the jist its about the will.
It sounds like an awful situation, for you in that your DD would think you capable of co-ercing your DM into changing her will, and threatening to go to the police.
I think your right this isn't something you can back down out of, and truthfully it could be the end of your relationship.

Is the will actually written to prefer the siblings or the grandchildren?
If it is in preference to the GC then it's probably worth your DM sharing this with your DD so she can see black and white. At this point your DD will need to apologise to you, if she doesn't then the rift will essentially be down to her stubbornness. Not that it would hurt you less, but you can't change others actions only your own.

If the will is in preference to the siblings then it will be harder to convince DD you didn't have some kind of interference. But again your DM will need to be clear about how these decisions were arrived at. It sounds like you have given your mother some financial advice - such as the care fees which has been misconstrued. Your DD may not accept this, but i think its more likely to be accepted coming from your mother rather than you.

The wedding - your other DD needs to speak to her about that.

I would still drop her a birthday card in tomorrow, it may be the olive branch she needs to walk back from these accusations. But I would still expect an apology.

It's a sad fact of life wills and inheritance seem to bring the worst out in some people.

I hate to say this but you need to go down the legal route here and protect yourself. It's very concerning that she has been recording your conversations. I also feel terrible for your DM.

No, she pays no rent. My DM is happy with this as she helps with housework as DM has poor mobility. She also supports my DM to care for my DF.

So, quid pro quo then and no reason to expect inheritance.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s awful and I would be devastated too.

Is the difference, (3.75%) all that much to be worth a lawsuit? In any case its a civil matter, not for the police, I'd have thought although I'm not a lawyer.

I'm just wondering (only out of curiosity) how much it all is. If the legacy is 1.5 million (a high guess based on your description) then after IHT it's more like one million or something. 10% would be 100k, 6.5% would be 65k. The difference is not worth taking your own mum to court about...?

He’s very upset too. He’s tried to talk to her, as have my DM, DD1 and one of her cousins. She’s having none of it from anyone. She’s resolute that she’s right.

I’ve just WhatsApped her happy birthday as DD1 is devastated and begged me to. I’ve asked her to call me. DD2 is working a night shift atm and has replied that she’ll call me on break.

I would be very very upset if my child said those things to me and was as grasping about an inheritance. The normal thing is for inheritance to pass to children - grandchildren are often not included at all. I would find it hard to trust a child who threatened me with the police.

Not sure what you can do. Can her father sit with her and explain how utterly unreasonable and horrible she is being? You are certainly not in the wrong here.

Frankly, I'd be worried about leaving her in the house with your parents. She does not have good intentions.

TBH, if you've been rearranging your parents affairs to maximise inheritance adn avoid paying for DF care costs, DD probably gets here sense of entitlement regarding inheritance from you.

In your position I'd try to de-escalate the row. Reassure her that you can help her financially further down the line, eg for her wedding, house purchase etc (i assume as her mum you'd be willing to do this) so she'll benefit from your inheritance at some point too.

Tell her the difference isn't so much that it's worth talking to lawyers about, and that it's not a police matter.

I agree with pp that you ignoring her birthday was not ideal. You've escalated the row and sort of made it more formal

Just read your updates. I've changed my mind now I can understand it more.

Agree with others you need to speak to the solicitor, get it documented and take their advice.
Unfortunately it would appear your relationship with your DD is irreparably damaged. Could you ever trust her again? Listening in and making notes, it's all very planned.

Your other daughter is likely to have to pick a side.

I wonder what your relationship with DD was like prior to this? Has there been something bubbling away or is this completely out the blue behaviour?
It almost feels its not really about the will, and something bigger. From 6% to 10% doesn't feel like something worth breaking a family up over (not that I would excuse it if the percentages were bigger) it seems to an outsider to have been written very fairly across all parties.

We had a somewhat similar rift in our family many years ago, the dust is finally settling now.

I wonder if your DD could actually be struggling with care responsibilities/stress? And if that could be impacting your DDs mental health and outlook.

I float this because we now with hindsight realize that my uncle, at the centre of huge financial rift, was actually having a huge breakdown under the pressure of being primary carer for my grandmother.

No. Nowhere near that! It’s an average house in Outer London. There’s virtually no savings as it’s mostly gone in care fees for my DF. That’s why I advised her to change the deeds to enable her to not leave her half to my DF if she dies first. So we may only inherit half the value if he ends op in residential care. (I was just trying to cover the what ifs…)

So your DD2 has moved in with your Parents and is providing care? Is she being paid for this care or is she an unpaid carer?

“When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.”

DD2 has just found out she is mentioned in the will jointly with her 2 cousins and a sibling? But she is doing the majority of the looking after for her Grandparents? She probably rightly or wrongly hoped for a larger inheritance, but is finding out that this is not a given even if she is helping her Grandparents more than the others.

Funny that you don’t think it is a massive privilege for a child to be mentioned in a parents will, only a grandchild

This is for DD2 a lesson that life isn’t fair, and by the sound of things the way you have written about her, you don’t feel she is entitled to any inheritance anyway.

Whocanbelieveit · Today 00:05
So your DD2 has moved in with your Parents and is providing care? Is she being paid for this care or is she an unpaid carer?”

She is an adult, in London, living rent/utilities/council tax free. I’d say quite a fair reciprocal arrangement.