.... to be so upset about DS's 21st birthday

[Ladydriver110]

I am menopausal which is probably affecting how I feel about this but I am so upset and need to write it down to hopefully stop myself from going over and over it in my head.

I am an only child and a single parent to a DS who turned 21 today. I live half a mile from my mum who has given me a huge amount of support raising my DS right from birth. He's got a bedroom at her house and has always stayed there a lot. For the last couple of years he's stayed there most nights - he says it's because she has much better wifi for his gaming - but I think he also likes that she does everything for him (cooking, laundry etc) being the doting grandma that she is. DS is ND and almost certainly has ADHD so needs a lot of support and 'management'. He also has a tendency to be thoughtless and irresponsible so maybe my expectations are too high.

In preparation for DS's birthday I spent an enormous amount of time, thought, effort and money planning birthday gifts. I filled a bag with a combination of small bits (like toiletries), special things related to his special interests (some of which I had commissioned to be specially made), and a box containing a decent amount of cash, all lovingly wrapped. There was also a very large and extremely heavy unwrappable gift that wasn't going to be a surprise because DS had chosen it himself, really expecting that it would be his only gift because of its cost. I took the bag of wrapped gifts to my mum's house yesterday ready for us all to get together today, and I put it out of sight.

Present-unwrapping has always been a Big Thing in our small family. Even on Christmas Day, we'd wait for my DM to come over before opening our gifts. Generally we only do token gifts for adults, so events have always been centred around my DS. I was really looking forward to giving DS his surprise gifts, making sure that the best ones were saved for last, seeing his face when he opened the special ones, explaining why and how some of them were designed and made, wanting to see him excited and happy, and taking a few photos of it all. It was especially significant because I'd pushed the boat out for DS's special birthday, and it could well be the last one where there would be real substantial gifts.

DS went out last night and wasn't sure about when or if he'd be coming home. I thought that if he didn't come home, I'd go to my mum's for lunch as usual and take the final heavy gift with me. It appears that he stayed out and went directly to DM's house, with a friend in tow, some time this morning.

At noon I got a phone call from DS asking me if I was coming over for lunch soon. "Happy birthday" I said. "I'm on my way" I said. "Can't wait to see you open your prezzies" I said. "Already opened them" he said. "Nan said I could" he said. I thought he was having me on, but no. He really had opened everything without me being there. I was terribly upset and didn't believe that my mum would have okayed this at all - and I made this very clear to him.

I dragged the big gift down to the car and set off, only to see DS driving away in the opposite direction. He refused to acknowledge me when we passed. At DM's house I walked in and asked (quite angrily, I admit) if she'd told DS he could open his gifts. She responded equally angrily to say yes, what was she supposed to say - no? We had a short but rather loud exchange where I pointed out that I was only five minutes away and all I needed was a phone call, and she told me not to shout at her in her own home and to get out.

I don't think it was right for my DM to give DS my gifts, and it was more than thoughtless of both of them to sit around (with mum's partner and DS's friend), having a jolly time opening gifts and admiring the special ones without me. I am tremendously upset on two counts:

• after all my anticipation, I missed out on the joy and pleasure of watching my only child receive all the things I'd carefully planned and bought. I missed the whole essence of the birthday experience (DS wouldn't hang around afterwards, he doesn't do 'social', he'd be back in his room on his xbox minutes after gift time).
• my presence was so unimportant that I just wasn't missed. No-one cared enough to make a quick phone call. I feel so hurt.

AIBU?

Once
She said she couldn't carry them all
She was in the car so this would be irrelevant anyway

Maybe everyone else on this thread lives in a nice convenient house where their car is parked right outside the front door. But for some of us it's more of an effort (involving steps) to get to where their car is parked.
I had a lot of stuff to take to my mum's house, not just gifts but also groceries and other things. On Sunday I carried everything except the heavy gift and it seems pretty efficient to take what I can manage on a day when I was going ANYWAY, leaving the can't-carry-anything-else-at-the-same-time item for the next day. Never crossed my mind that anyone would help themselves to my gifts and pass them on in my absence.

There's also a lot of exaggeration and filling in of gaps with extreme assumptions, as if my family lives like a soap opera.
Me being upset is not "incandescent". Me having a raised-voice argument with my DM, who I normally have an excellent relationship with, is not "screaming", and she wasn't nice and calm either.
Also, for all the folk who think that because DS is an adult and didn't need to ask if he could open his gifts, this wasn't him asking for permission, it was more a matter of general politeness - rather like asking your other half if it's okay to finish off the loaf or do you want a bit saving for later. You're not asking if you're allowed, you're asking if there are other considerations. If DS said "oooh, prezzies, is it okay to open them now" the appropriate response should be "why don't you ask your mum" instead of "yes, sure".

OP, at 21 your DS should have the general politeness you speak of, though. He should know that at this age, gift giving is more about the giver than the receiver. I agree he should have waited for you- and I’m not sure why you’re making this about your mother, rather than your son.

is he in work or education?

Why ask MN if YABU when you don’t want to hear YABU.

They weren't YOUR gifts
They were HIS

And even if you have to carry the things, if you ry want to ensure everything is opened at once you make the extra trip. As you had to do anyway presumably to get all the grocery etc to the car

Oh and raising your voice in anger is screaming. She presumably wasn't nice because she knew you'd had a go at DS and were now having a go at her.

And opening YOUR OWN presents isn't the same as "can I finish that?" Omg!

Gift giving should never be about the giver, no matter the age. How selfish!

In fairness, you sound quite soap opera-ish, with all the refusing to acknowledge on the road, storming into your mother’s house and shouting, and her telling you to get out, and a frankly odd attitude to presents-giving.

It’s hard not to conclude that you focus so much on presents because you telling him how you commissioned and chose each present is one of the only times he bothers to express the remotest gratitude to you.

What I meant was that the birthday ‘experience’ was clearly very important to the OP, but it doesn’t sound like it was all that meaningful to her son. That’s often the case when you’re an adult. When I receive gifts, I acknowledge the thought and effort that’s gone into it- that’s usually more important to me than how excited I am to receive a ‘pressie’. I’m not 4- it’s about the other person and their kindness, not me and my needs.

People are going by what you've written.

You describe yourself as "terribly upset", "very upset" and "so upset". People assumed this was more than mildly miffed.

Your DM asked you not to shout at her, so people assumed you were shouting at her.

Some people think that a gift is about the giver and not the recipient, so can be opened when the giver feels like it. Your birthday is one day where you shouldn't have to worry about other people's notions of "politeness". If you'd really not wanted them opened you should have hidden them properly (not tucked into a corner) and fully briefed your mother. Very odd to leave surprise gifts where your DS finds them so easily.

The response to "I've already opened my gifts" from DS is not to complain at him to the point he doesn't want to be around you, and then go and shout at your mother. This is a bit like a soap opera.

If DS said "oooh, prezzies, is it okay to open them now" the appropriate response should be "why don't you ask your mum" instead of "yes, sure".

What am I reading? The appropriate response to a 21 year old man asking “is it ok to open my presents now” would be “you’re an adult, why are you asking me if it is ok to open your own presents? Of course it is.”

Since when is an adult expected to ask his grandmother if it’s ok to open their presents and the ‘appropriate response’ is “ask your mum”?

Will your adult DS have to ask you, his mum, when he can open his own presents when he is 30? 50? When does this end?

Do you ask your mum before you open any of your presents OP?

Your view on presents is not “a matter of general politeness” it is actually very odd and fringe.

My son is turning 21 next week.
He's working 12 hour shifts.
And hes signing his first tenancy agreement on his birthday.
He's so happy with it his gift from me is a starter kitchen set and a full freezer and food shop.

Giving a gift to an adult is not like giving one to a 4 year old who will jump up and down with excitement because they've got the latest Paw Patrol toy (or whatever 4 year olds are into these days). An adult politely saying "oh that's lovely, just what I wanted, that's so thoughtful of you to go to the trouble" when they open the present, isn't really the same thing. They can express their acknowledgement of the thought and effort at a later point.

Well, exactly. The way OP is describing her son is more like the 4yo in your example. That, to me, is the issue.

He's 21, not 2.

What I meant was that the birthday ‘experience’ was clearly very important to the OP, but it doesn’t sound like it was all that meaningful to her son.

He may have wanted to thank his mum in person, after all he called to check on when she was coming round for lunch so was eager to see her after opening them. Instead he got a basting over the phone and so left to avoid round 2. So it may be just as meaningful to the son, and he intended to acknowledge and thank in person, but never got a chance to.

I think that DS did have the politeness, and that's why he asked if he could have his gifts straightaway. I was only a bit annoyed with him that he should have thought a bit harder about who the gifts were from. Mostly, I was upset and didn't react well in the moment. I didn't tell him off, I told him I was upset. I didn't exactly accuse him of lying, I said I couldn't believe that my mum would have okayed everything, which is exactly what I did think. DS has extensive form for remembering things that didn't happen and forgetting things that did. He's well known for it, and most of his (frequent) arguments with my mum are when he blames her for things she didn't do (like losing his car keys).

DS has a part-time minimum wage job and makes enough to contribute to his living costs and run two cars, albeit he has to have an interest-free loan from me to pay his car insurances.

@Robinni thinks that basically your son has additional needs and couldn’t get the support he needed at home which is so far from reality as to be laughable. He comes to me for pretty much everything except occasional meals, laundry and leisure/gaming equipment which I decline to pay for. Don't underestimate how much support an autistic young person needs as well as the effort required to try to get that young person to become independent and stay in work without getting fired. This is all off-topic so not worth further elaboration.

Congratulations on having a mature and independent, presumably NT, son.

You're never going to accept you were unreasonable and made his birthday about you and owe him an apology either are you?

(he plays along because he knows we love it so much)

Does HE?

Yeah, really?

He needs to be concentrating on becoming independent. ADHD doesn't mean he can't become this, but it sounds like you and your mum are babying him. Hellish for a future DIL.

Having had a calm and helpful discussion with DS himself, he doesn't think that I have anything to apologise for and his opinion matters to me more than any outsider. He overreacts often so maybe he understands that nobody is perfect.

How sweet

Don't ask strangers for advice then...

Because you definitely owe both him and your DM an apology for shouting at them and making him birthday about you

Sorry what does NT mean.