.... to be so upset about DS's 21st birthday

[Ladydriver110]

I am menopausal which is probably affecting how I feel about this but I am so upset and need to write it down to hopefully stop myself from going over and over it in my head.

I am an only child and a single parent to a DS who turned 21 today. I live half a mile from my mum who has given me a huge amount of support raising my DS right from birth. He's got a bedroom at her house and has always stayed there a lot. For the last couple of years he's stayed there most nights - he says it's because she has much better wifi for his gaming - but I think he also likes that she does everything for him (cooking, laundry etc) being the doting grandma that she is. DS is ND and almost certainly has ADHD so needs a lot of support and 'management'. He also has a tendency to be thoughtless and irresponsible so maybe my expectations are too high.

In preparation for DS's birthday I spent an enormous amount of time, thought, effort and money planning birthday gifts. I filled a bag with a combination of small bits (like toiletries), special things related to his special interests (some of which I had commissioned to be specially made), and a box containing a decent amount of cash, all lovingly wrapped. There was also a very large and extremely heavy unwrappable gift that wasn't going to be a surprise because DS had chosen it himself, really expecting that it would be his only gift because of its cost. I took the bag of wrapped gifts to my mum's house yesterday ready for us all to get together today, and I put it out of sight.

Present-unwrapping has always been a Big Thing in our small family. Even on Christmas Day, we'd wait for my DM to come over before opening our gifts. Generally we only do token gifts for adults, so events have always been centred around my DS. I was really looking forward to giving DS his surprise gifts, making sure that the best ones were saved for last, seeing his face when he opened the special ones, explaining why and how some of them were designed and made, wanting to see him excited and happy, and taking a few photos of it all. It was especially significant because I'd pushed the boat out for DS's special birthday, and it could well be the last one where there would be real substantial gifts.

DS went out last night and wasn't sure about when or if he'd be coming home. I thought that if he didn't come home, I'd go to my mum's for lunch as usual and take the final heavy gift with me. It appears that he stayed out and went directly to DM's house, with a friend in tow, some time this morning.

At noon I got a phone call from DS asking me if I was coming over for lunch soon. "Happy birthday" I said. "I'm on my way" I said. "Can't wait to see you open your prezzies" I said. "Already opened them" he said. "Nan said I could" he said. I thought he was having me on, but no. He really had opened everything without me being there. I was terribly upset and didn't believe that my mum would have okayed this at all - and I made this very clear to him.

I dragged the big gift down to the car and set off, only to see DS driving away in the opposite direction. He refused to acknowledge me when we passed. At DM's house I walked in and asked (quite angrily, I admit) if she'd told DS he could open his gifts. She responded equally angrily to say yes, what was she supposed to say - no? We had a short but rather loud exchange where I pointed out that I was only five minutes away and all I needed was a phone call, and she told me not to shout at her in her own home and to get out.

I don't think it was right for my DM to give DS my gifts, and it was more than thoughtless of both of them to sit around (with mum's partner and DS's friend), having a jolly time opening gifts and admiring the special ones without me. I am tremendously upset on two counts:

• after all my anticipation, I missed out on the joy and pleasure of watching my only child receive all the things I'd carefully planned and bought. I missed the whole essence of the birthday experience (DS wouldn't hang around afterwards, he doesn't do 'social', he'd be back in his room on his xbox minutes after gift time).
• my presence was so unimportant that I just wasn't missed. No-one cared enough to make a quick phone call. I feel so hurt.

AIBU?

I wouldn't have taken the presents in advance if I wanted to be there and I would have told my son to save some presents for when I got there but he is now old enough to decide when he wants to open his presents. Most people open their birthday presents on a morning though, not hang around until lunch time. He's now an adult and is living with your mother so has left home so up to him when he opens stuff, he shouldn't need to ask his gran or you.

I know he's your son, but he's beyond rude and ungrateful. A 10 year old would know not to open gifts from someone who isn't there and was 2 minutes around the corner waiting to see you open them.

Very bizarre that you are incandescent about missing him opening a birthday present but seemingly indifferent about him moving out to live with his gran..

It doesn't matter that DS spends most of his time with my DM, because I do too. Outside of work and sleep time, we're usually together.

To be fair though, how can you ‘not allow’ an adult to do anything. He’s 21. It’s not up to his gran to say what he can and can’t do. The decision was his.

I agree, which is why I said he doesn't come out looking good in this either but OP did state that her DS actually said his nan had told him he could open them, which maybe implies that he asked her.

Your babying of a 21yo is not going to help him long term. He was rude, ungrateful- and he doesn’t even get you a gift or card on your birthday? Yikes

All 3 of you seem unhealthily enmeshed.

Sorry, I didn't mean that all 3 of us were often together. DS does his own thing and just uses DM's house as a base/gaming den. It's mum and me that usually get on really well - we think the same, have the same interests and outlook etc.

Or not apparently.

it’s too much.

Your son needs some healthy reality checks though. He’s lazy and spoiled.

He's 21, not 1! He's an Adult.

I'd be disappointed but ultimately it's his birthday. He's an adult and that must make it difficult for your mum to tell him how to behave.

It sounds as though you are both babying him. This is an adult able to manage the complexity of driving and who can afford to run a car. I hope he has a job and doesn't just play games all day whilst 2 female relatives fuss over him like a pampered prince. It all sounds very dysfunctional. If he's able to drive and have friends he should be able to behave responsibly with his relatives as well

Goodness you're spiteful in your post.

The OP might be unrealistic in what she'd hoped for about her gift-giving but she's sad and upset. A bit of understanding wouldn't go amiss, or just generally, not kicking her when she's down?

OP, your son knows about the present-opening tradition, he's grown up with it. He should have known better - ND or not.
I'd make this the last hurrah, just give money in an envelope from now perhaps?

I agree that you should make up with your Mum, she's taking a lot of the pressure off you with regard to your son. I understand how disappointing this was for you but I can imagine she wasn't the instigator of the opening, that would have been your boy and lack of consideration for tradition.

Hope this blows over quickly, make up with your Mum.

this

@Ladydriver110 I remember how big things became during the menopause. However, the traditions are your's, it is now up to your son what he wants to do. More communication is needed. It's great that he's got mates to spend his birthday with and hopefully will travel with. My ND DD is now never in the UK for her birthdays. I miss her, but she's having a life that I never thought that she would. I'd start to build a bit more of a life tbh, or at least plan to, so you aren't putting too much pressure on your DS to fulfil your needs, as we see on here, especially at events like Birthdays/Christmas etc.

if your mum lives down the road and he’s chosen to live there then there is a reason. He clearly feels more comfortable and peaceful there. Perhaps the fact you went to angrily shout at his beloved grandma hints at your behaviour. His birthday wasn’t about you at all.

i am not surprised your mum told you off for shouting at her in her own house

if it was so desperately important to you then there was no need to drop them early making him excited to open

OP has provided reasons though. Her mum does everything for her 21 year old DS, she cooks, cleans, does his laundry. Has no expectations of him. He comes and goes as he pleases. Her DS has told her he would choose her home if she provided him with fibre broadband. He wouldn't lift a finger though so she's actually better off not having to compete to meet an adult man's entitlement.

That’s fair enough. As a mother of young adults I can understand where you are coming from there.

PS. There was a lot more to my post than just the first paragraph. It’s interesting that you only responded to that bit! I wish you well op.

That’s the problem. It’s not normal IMO to be so enmeshed as an adult - you with your DM. You’ve tacitly given her permission to be in charge of you. That’s probably why she felt she could ok the opening of the presents that were from you.

YANBU to be very upset by missing the present opening and being ignored, but you are being unreasonable not to have a more separate adult life. I also agree with a PP that your DS has probably been spoiled by the both of you.

You're blaming the menopause?! I find that offensive, as someone who has been through the menopause and didn't overreact to anything as badly as this. And I had a lot to deal with during mine and it was in no way an easy one at all! It's a shitty excuse to use, to be honest!
And then you go on to say he has to "play along" in the present opening dramatics? Christ, he probably saw his 21st as an end to all that forced play acting.
I'm sorry OP, but it's a weird dynamic all round.
You're stifling his independence and I don't think either your DM or DS owed you any kind of apology at all. You're the one who needs to be apologising to them... And backing off and letting him be his own man, in as far as he can!

To be honest I wouldn't want to open gifts in front of someone who was going to talk at me about where they were commissioned etc.
Way to much pressure and expectation to 'love' the gift as much as the giver does!
He does sound very thoughtless and spoiled though and very immature expecting grandma to pick up after him.

YANBU but because of the OTT language you've used ("lovingly wrapped") etc many posters won't be able to see past this and call you melodramatic.

I got uncomfortable reading your post.

So basically your son has additional needs and couldn’t get the support he needed at home so left to live with Gran, upsetting family dynamics and leading to a deterioration in your relationship.

You left items in your mother’s house for him. He was told he could open the items. He did so and was met with you being an emotional, angry mess on his 21st birthday. I’m not surprised he left before the showdown between you and your mother because he didn’t want his birthday further upset.

Ultimately, there is some underlying problem that led to your sons estrangement and feeling that he can’t be happy at home.

Surface issues - your Mum disrespecting your wishes regarding presentation of gift and you being emotionally dysregulated and overreacting with your son, when he had done nothing wrong, on his special birthday.

Your son’s more important than a bunch of stuff. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.

If you wanted total control then the items should have been stored in yours before presentation. And if you want a closer relationship with your son and for the power imbalance between you and your mother to subside, then you need to get him living back at home at least or living independently, though he may not be capable of the latter at present.

Shes literally explained the need to drop the presents off several times