.... to be so upset about DS's 21st birthday

[Ladydriver110]

I am menopausal which is probably affecting how I feel about this but I am so upset and need to write it down to hopefully stop myself from going over and over it in my head.

I am an only child and a single parent to a DS who turned 21 today. I live half a mile from my mum who has given me a huge amount of support raising my DS right from birth. He's got a bedroom at her house and has always stayed there a lot. For the last couple of years he's stayed there most nights - he says it's because she has much better wifi for his gaming - but I think he also likes that she does everything for him (cooking, laundry etc) being the doting grandma that she is. DS is ND and almost certainly has ADHD so needs a lot of support and 'management'. He also has a tendency to be thoughtless and irresponsible so maybe my expectations are too high.

In preparation for DS's birthday I spent an enormous amount of time, thought, effort and money planning birthday gifts. I filled a bag with a combination of small bits (like toiletries), special things related to his special interests (some of which I had commissioned to be specially made), and a box containing a decent amount of cash, all lovingly wrapped. There was also a very large and extremely heavy unwrappable gift that wasn't going to be a surprise because DS had chosen it himself, really expecting that it would be his only gift because of its cost. I took the bag of wrapped gifts to my mum's house yesterday ready for us all to get together today, and I put it out of sight.

Present-unwrapping has always been a Big Thing in our small family. Even on Christmas Day, we'd wait for my DM to come over before opening our gifts. Generally we only do token gifts for adults, so events have always been centred around my DS. I was really looking forward to giving DS his surprise gifts, making sure that the best ones were saved for last, seeing his face when he opened the special ones, explaining why and how some of them were designed and made, wanting to see him excited and happy, and taking a few photos of it all. It was especially significant because I'd pushed the boat out for DS's special birthday, and it could well be the last one where there would be real substantial gifts.

DS went out last night and wasn't sure about when or if he'd be coming home. I thought that if he didn't come home, I'd go to my mum's for lunch as usual and take the final heavy gift with me. It appears that he stayed out and went directly to DM's house, with a friend in tow, some time this morning.

At noon I got a phone call from DS asking me if I was coming over for lunch soon. "Happy birthday" I said. "I'm on my way" I said. "Can't wait to see you open your prezzies" I said. "Already opened them" he said. "Nan said I could" he said. I thought he was having me on, but no. He really had opened everything without me being there. I was terribly upset and didn't believe that my mum would have okayed this at all - and I made this very clear to him.

I dragged the big gift down to the car and set off, only to see DS driving away in the opposite direction. He refused to acknowledge me when we passed. At DM's house I walked in and asked (quite angrily, I admit) if she'd told DS he could open his gifts. She responded equally angrily to say yes, what was she supposed to say - no? We had a short but rather loud exchange where I pointed out that I was only five minutes away and all I needed was a phone call, and she told me not to shout at her in her own home and to get out.

I don't think it was right for my DM to give DS my gifts, and it was more than thoughtless of both of them to sit around (with mum's partner and DS's friend), having a jolly time opening gifts and admiring the special ones without me. I am tremendously upset on two counts:

• after all my anticipation, I missed out on the joy and pleasure of watching my only child receive all the things I'd carefully planned and bought. I missed the whole essence of the birthday experience (DS wouldn't hang around afterwards, he doesn't do 'social', he'd be back in his room on his xbox minutes after gift time).
• my presence was so unimportant that I just wasn't missed. No-one cared enough to make a quick phone call. I feel so hurt.

AIBU?

It's disappointing but now you've shouted at your son on his 21st - something he'll remember.

You should've sucked it up and spoken to your mum.

Don't understand why you took the presents early, that implies they were there for the morning ready to be opened 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think this is the main issue, not the gifts per say - your familial roles are very blurred with your current set up and you are being persistently undermined. Being that he's 21 it may be that this bird has long since flown - it's not as if you can insist he move back home - but if you and your mother are truly on the same wavelength as you claim, you could discuss some new ground rules with your sons best interests in mind (such as he cooks once a week, or does laundry once a week, or the grocery shopping etc so as not to fully deskill him).

21st is a big, important birthday. Definitely different from a 50th but if I’m lucky enough to be living when my child is 50, yes I would still love to see her opening a gift I have lovingly chosen that I think she will love. It’s not “all about her”, he’s her only child and she’s gutted she’s missed this.

It sounds like your mum has brought him up; so she has every right to give him the gifts that you took and left there for him. Surely if it was that important that you see him open his presents you'd have stayed at your mum's knowing he was going straight there.

It's all about her when her issue is she couldn't talk about how all the gifts were specially made and chosen etc
She wanted to be there to soak up all the glory and make sure everyone knew exactly how much effort she put in

She then didn't even ring to see if he was there/wish him Happy Birthday- he had to chase her up. And instead of asking about his gifts, did he like them etc, she had a go at him

Being disappointed you missed it, yes OK but then you did leave the gifts there, bringing all the attention to you is the problem

Exactly. My children are now in their 30s and we still observe the wait until the giver is around to open presents. I think Grandma overstepped and hogged the enjoyment without thought of her daughter.

For those who are saying OP is making it all about herself, have you not heard the saying that it is more blessed to give than receive? The saying acknowledges how much pleasure the giver of gifts receives and Grandma knows it well. Selfish son probably is yet to learn although most children find out the first time they use their own money to buy Mum a present.

@beanii

I’m with you, he will remember.

For my 21st, a relative behaved in an unexpected manner regarding their gift to me… rather than a shrug of her shoulders and a never mind, my mother proceeded to get really emotional, crying, giving off about the relative… and my overarching memory of my 21st is of us all being miserable due to my mother’s behaviour, sitting in the living room with me trying to comfort her, rather than us going out and doing something nice.

I’m considerably older, but I still remember, and I still think as a mother sometimes you have to put your feelings to the side for the child’s benefit. Or at least learn from your mistakes so it doesn’t happen again.

@PensionedCruiser

My DC get Xmas, bday and Easter gifts dropped off by relatives and friends. There is no way anyone comes round to view the opening. I might take a picture or video to send them. But if the gifts are delivered they are meant to be opened.

Exactly. My children are now in their 30s and we still observe the wait until the giver is around to open presents.

Generally presents are sent by post (in which case you might be waiting weeks if not months for the giver to be around), or they are personally handed over by the giver - in which case they are opened immediately.

Hand delivering presents in advance when you plan to come round to watch them being opened is a really odd thing to do which OP hasn't really explained except to say she couldn't carry all the presents at once. But the obvious solution to this is to make two journeys to and from the car, not two entire journeys to and from the house where the presents are going.

Why did you take them round OP?? If it was important you should have given them to him yourself?

It’s a selfish shitty thing to do on his part though. Then again I was at that age. Luckily I grew out of it so I hope he does.

For a lot of people waiting for the giver to be there would be very impractical. To be honest there's only so much bother I'd go to for the giver before suggesting that we just stop doing presents.

YANBU. His birthday is about him but it is also a day for you. Every one of my children’s every birthdays are special to me because it’s my journey too. I don’t expect gifts and cards ofc but I would be so sad to miss them opening gifts I’d thought so hard about.

Did he even thank you for the gifts?

What a fcking rude, entitled, conceited, ableist response. What do you want - a bloody doorstep clap?

@Ladydriver110 Please stop trying to explain yourself to the idiots in this thread. Firstly, you're not going to change their minds anyway, and secondly, it's none of their bloody business. You don't owe them an explanation about you and your family. I can't believe how quick people are to make (often seemingly wildly inaccurate!) assumptions about another human being based on a couple of paragraphs on the internet.

I understand why you are upset about the situation. You've chatted with your son, it seems it was a good chat and somewhat resolved things, so try to dust yourself off and move forwards. It sounds like you're doing a great job!

Absolutely fine to feel hurt and disappointed. Not fine to turn that into anger and tell off your son on his birthday and shout at your mum in her own home.

You should have gone round and enjoyed the day and at the end said I wish you’d waited for me to open the presents. You may have got something out of the calm adult conversation. Going in all guns blazing means you’ve pissed everyone off and made it all about you.

They weren't being abelist. They were making a point that 21 year olds are in completely different places and that they aren't children. That for many 21 isn't a big special celebration

You come on AIBU and people are going to ask questions, seek clarification (because all they have is those couple of paragraphs)

Selfish and shitty of him to open his birthday presents???

I'd be upset too. We always open gifts together, whether it is my birthday, my son's or my grandkids. If it is one of the kids they get excited (hurry up Nan, we're waiting for you!) but it's always something we do as a family. My DS is over 40, but wouldn't start opening presents I'd bought until I got there.
Having said that, I wouldn't have shouted at my mum in her own house - well, not if I wanted to get out of there alive!

I can see it from both sides - on the one hand, he is an adult; even as a kid, I never enjoyed the whole opening presents in front of everyone else. It just felt like I was a performing monkey and lessened the enjoyment of actually opening the gifts. I never said that, though, but perhaps this is how he and maybe other family members feel in secret?
On the other, I would have been hurt not to be acknowledged or snubbed as you appear to have been. Nothing wrong with wanting to help make the day special and spend a bit of time with the birthday person!