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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.... to be so upset about DS's 21st birthday

318 replies

Ladydriver110 · 06/05/2024 21:05

I am menopausal which is probably affecting how I feel about this but I am so upset and need to write it down to hopefully stop myself from going over and over it in my head.

I am an only child and a single parent to a DS who turned 21 today. I live half a mile from my mum who has given me a huge amount of support raising my DS right from birth. He's got a bedroom at her house and has always stayed there a lot. For the last couple of years he's stayed there most nights - he says it's because she has much better wifi for his gaming - but I think he also likes that she does everything for him (cooking, laundry etc) being the doting grandma that she is. DS is ND and almost certainly has ADHD so needs a lot of support and 'management'. He also has a tendency to be thoughtless and irresponsible so maybe my expectations are too high.

In preparation for DS's birthday I spent an enormous amount of time, thought, effort and money planning birthday gifts. I filled a bag with a combination of small bits (like toiletries), special things related to his special interests (some of which I had commissioned to be specially made), and a box containing a decent amount of cash, all lovingly wrapped. There was also a very large and extremely heavy unwrappable gift that wasn't going to be a surprise because DS had chosen it himself, really expecting that it would be his only gift because of its cost. I took the bag of wrapped gifts to my mum's house yesterday ready for us all to get together today, and I put it out of sight.

Present-unwrapping has always been a Big Thing in our small family. Even on Christmas Day, we'd wait for my DM to come over before opening our gifts. Generally we only do token gifts for adults, so events have always been centred around my DS. I was really looking forward to giving DS his surprise gifts, making sure that the best ones were saved for last, seeing his face when he opened the special ones, explaining why and how some of them were designed and made, wanting to see him excited and happy, and taking a few photos of it all. It was especially significant because I'd pushed the boat out for DS's special birthday, and it could well be the last one where there would be real substantial gifts.

DS went out last night and wasn't sure about when or if he'd be coming home. I thought that if he didn't come home, I'd go to my mum's for lunch as usual and take the final heavy gift with me. It appears that he stayed out and went directly to DM's house, with a friend in tow, some time this morning.

At noon I got a phone call from DS asking me if I was coming over for lunch soon. "Happy birthday" I said. "I'm on my way" I said. "Can't wait to see you open your prezzies" I said. "Already opened them" he said. "Nan said I could" he said. I thought he was having me on, but no. He really had opened everything without me being there. I was terribly upset and didn't believe that my mum would have okayed this at all - and I made this very clear to him.

I dragged the big gift down to the car and set off, only to see DS driving away in the opposite direction. He refused to acknowledge me when we passed. At DM's house I walked in and asked (quite angrily, I admit) if she'd told DS he could open his gifts. She responded equally angrily to say yes, what was she supposed to say - no? We had a short but rather loud exchange where I pointed out that I was only five minutes away and all I needed was a phone call, and she told me not to shout at her in her own home and to get out.

I don't think it was right for my DM to give DS my gifts, and it was more than thoughtless of both of them to sit around (with mum's partner and DS's friend), having a jolly time opening gifts and admiring the special ones without me. I am tremendously upset on two counts:

  • after all my anticipation, I missed out on the joy and pleasure of watching my only child receive all the things I'd carefully planned and bought. I missed the whole essence of the birthday experience (DS wouldn't hang around afterwards, he doesn't do 'social', he'd be back in his room on his xbox minutes after gift time).
  • my presence was so unimportant that I just wasn't missed. No-one cared enough to make a quick phone call. I feel so hurt.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Octonaut4Life · 06/05/2024 21:27

I don't really understand why you dropped them off earlier in the first place? It sort of implies that you're happy for them to be opened without you really. I think it was thoughtless but if you're expecting them to be opened when you're present then don't drop them off separately?

DisforDarkChocolate · 06/05/2024 21:29

You've let you Mum be the fun parent.

MyBreezyPombear · 06/05/2024 21:29

notanotherrokabag · 06/05/2024 21:18

He has essentially lived with your mum for two years? That's the bigger picture. Why did you allow that? Maybe some of the effort on presents should have gone on day to day parenting.....

Edited

So he was 19 when he moved in with her - how was she meant to stop that? He's an adult.

JuvenileBigfoot · 06/05/2024 21:30

notanotherrokabag · 06/05/2024 21:18

He has essentially lived with your mum for two years? That's the bigger picture. Why did you allow that? Maybe some of the effort on presents should have gone on day to day parenting.....

Edited

Well he's been an adult for those 2 years so he can live where he likes.

OP I do get feeling disappointed, but he's 21 not 2. The whole bit about taking photos made me cringe a bit. I would NOT have liked that at 21!

Notsandwiches · 06/05/2024 21:31

Why would you drop presents off if you didn't want him to open them?

Cherryon · 06/05/2024 21:33

He is 21 and not been living with you for 2 years. I understand when he lived with you as a child presenting unwrapping was a ‘Big Thing’ with what sounds like ab expectation to show surprise, and joy and gratitude. As an adult, perhaps he doesn’t want to have to perform to your expectations any more.

I am being a bit blunt, but this is what 20 somethings do. They assert their adulthood by breaking whatever patterns of family life they happily participated in as a child, but no longer wish to.

They do often do it in a way that hurts because they lack the wisdom and maturity to navigate such situations with grace. This is doubly so for many who are ND and have difficulty in social situations anyway.

Your mum isn’t to blame, she can hardly control a 21 year old man who decided to open his birthday gifts and then go out. He’s doing his own thing and discovering himself, it is a selfish decade, the 20s.

sunflowerfan · 06/05/2024 21:36

Riverlee · 06/05/2024 21:26

I’d be upset and disappointed as well.

Me too.

YankSplaining · 06/05/2024 21:36

Not unreasonable. You didn’t want to dictate how he spent his entire birthday; you just wanted to be there when he opened the presents you got him. You didn’t demand that he open them at a specific time, or do anything else that would be taking unreasonable control of his birthday.

Angeldelight50 · 06/05/2024 21:38

Even on Christmas Day, we'd wait for my DM to come over before opening our gifts.

It sounds like this is your tradition, not your DM or DS tradition. There’s nothing wrong with that, but YABU to expect others to spend their birthday the way you want.

Also, you say he’s 21 and spends most of his time glued to a video game, it’s unlikely he was gushing over his thoughtful gifts with your DM like you have built up in your head.

Cherryon · 06/05/2024 21:39

OP did anyone know your “plan” for the birthday present opening. I read a lot of “I thought…” but nowhere does it say “We agreed that…”

Did your mum and DS even know you wanted a formal present opening with you there?

MummyFriend · 06/05/2024 21:43

I get it. That's incredibly hurtful. Why don't you go over there and get the things back, rewrap them and take them to yours so you and your DS can have a do-over?

Original poster
Ladydriver110 · 06/05/2024 21:43

To answer a few questions (hope I haven't missed any):

  1. We're like a small 3-person family living across 2 houses. We're all very close and family events like birthdays and Christmas are generally treated as something a bit special.
  2. Apart from a couple of minor things, the gifts I got were either special for DS, cash (that he really appreciates) or chosen by DS himself. I don't understand why people think I'd give him gifts for my benefit.
  3. DS drove off in a temper because he was cross I'd told him he should have waited for me. He wanted to avoid me.
  4. My parenting is pretty hands-off. I try to encourage him to do basic stuff like cook a simple meal occasionally but he point-blank refuses (as I said, he's ND). Nan does everything for him and panders to his every whim. She really does treat him like a toddler. He definitely does not go there to get a break from me. He told me he would spend a lot more time at home if I got fibre broadband.
  5. I don't think it is at all abnormal to want to watch your only child being happy.
  6. I took the first bag of gifts a day early because the final gift was so heavy I wouldn't have been able to carry everything at the same time - I could hardly lift it. I didn't think it would be a problem to leave a bag hidden at mum's house overnight.
  7. The bag of gifts wasn't sitting out for him, it was a shopping bag tucked away in a corner waiting for me to unpack and give to him when I arrived.
OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 06/05/2024 21:43

@Ladydriver110 I would say that he has forfeited the right to the big gift whatever it might be!

hopscotcher · 06/05/2024 21:45

I don't think you were unreasonable to be upset. You'd put a lot of effort and thought into your son's gifts, and wanted to be there when he opened them. It wasn't a big ask. But....it's done now, and hopefully your mum knows how you feel about it.

Cherryon · 06/05/2024 21:47

People are saying the gift unwrapping with you doling them out one by one, savings the best for last, having chat about the design and how thoughtful you were about each one, seeing his face light up and you snapping off photos is what seems to be more for your benefit than his.

They have a very good point, it sounds like a pressure cooker even for a NT person much less a socially awkward avoid the spotlight ND person.

PossumBussum · 06/05/2024 21:48

Cherryon · 06/05/2024 21:47

People are saying the gift unwrapping with you doling them out one by one, savings the best for last, having chat about the design and how thoughtful you were about each one, seeing his face light up and you snapping off photos is what seems to be more for your benefit than his.

They have a very good point, it sounds like a pressure cooker even for a NT person much less a socially awkward avoid the spotlight ND person.

I completely agree.

drusth · 06/05/2024 21:48

Has your mum sabotaged this by telling him where the hidden presents were?

Is she overstepping in her role as grandma by making her house the fun house where he gets everything he wants?

Cherryon · 06/05/2024 21:48

hopscotcher · 06/05/2024 21:45

I don't think you were unreasonable to be upset. You'd put a lot of effort and thought into your son's gifts, and wanted to be there when he opened them. It wasn't a big ask. But....it's done now, and hopefully your mum knows how you feel about it.

If OP asked? Was there a definite plan/agreement OP? Your posts only say you thought this and that, there is no mention of any plan discussed with DS or yoir DM?

Foggymcfogson · 06/05/2024 21:48

Sadly your dm thinks she is ds's more significant parent..

drusth · 06/05/2024 21:51

Foggymcfogson · 06/05/2024 21:48

Sadly your dm thinks she is ds's more significant parent..

I think so too.

Alwaysalwayscold · 06/05/2024 21:51

DS drove off in a temper because he was cross I'd told him he should have waited for me. He wanted to avoid me.

Sounds like he's sick of the 'fuss' you make of everything and couldn't deal with you making his birthday about yourself. The correct response to him having opened them should have been to ask if he liked them, not throw a tantrum because he (an adult) wants to enjoy his birthday in his own way instead of yours.

PassingStranger · 06/05/2024 21:51

Your spoiling him and worrying about him too much.
He's isn't really worried about you is he?
Just seems interested in what he can get from you?
Does he make an effort for your birthday?

LBFseBrom · 06/05/2024 21:52

Ladydriver110 · 06/05/2024 21:05

I am menopausal which is probably affecting how I feel about this but I am so upset and need to write it down to hopefully stop myself from going over and over it in my head.

I am an only child and a single parent to a DS who turned 21 today. I live half a mile from my mum who has given me a huge amount of support raising my DS right from birth. He's got a bedroom at her house and has always stayed there a lot. For the last couple of years he's stayed there most nights - he says it's because she has much better wifi for his gaming - but I think he also likes that she does everything for him (cooking, laundry etc) being the doting grandma that she is. DS is ND and almost certainly has ADHD so needs a lot of support and 'management'. He also has a tendency to be thoughtless and irresponsible so maybe my expectations are too high.

In preparation for DS's birthday I spent an enormous amount of time, thought, effort and money planning birthday gifts. I filled a bag with a combination of small bits (like toiletries), special things related to his special interests (some of which I had commissioned to be specially made), and a box containing a decent amount of cash, all lovingly wrapped. There was also a very large and extremely heavy unwrappable gift that wasn't going to be a surprise because DS had chosen it himself, really expecting that it would be his only gift because of its cost. I took the bag of wrapped gifts to my mum's house yesterday ready for us all to get together today, and I put it out of sight.

Present-unwrapping has always been a Big Thing in our small family. Even on Christmas Day, we'd wait for my DM to come over before opening our gifts. Generally we only do token gifts for adults, so events have always been centred around my DS. I was really looking forward to giving DS his surprise gifts, making sure that the best ones were saved for last, seeing his face when he opened the special ones, explaining why and how some of them were designed and made, wanting to see him excited and happy, and taking a few photos of it all. It was especially significant because I'd pushed the boat out for DS's special birthday, and it could well be the last one where there would be real substantial gifts.

DS went out last night and wasn't sure about when or if he'd be coming home. I thought that if he didn't come home, I'd go to my mum's for lunch as usual and take the final heavy gift with me. It appears that he stayed out and went directly to DM's house, with a friend in tow, some time this morning.

At noon I got a phone call from DS asking me if I was coming over for lunch soon. "Happy birthday" I said. "I'm on my way" I said. "Can't wait to see you open your prezzies" I said. "Already opened them" he said. "Nan said I could" he said. I thought he was having me on, but no. He really had opened everything without me being there. I was terribly upset and didn't believe that my mum would have okayed this at all - and I made this very clear to him.

I dragged the big gift down to the car and set off, only to see DS driving away in the opposite direction. He refused to acknowledge me when we passed. At DM's house I walked in and asked (quite angrily, I admit) if she'd told DS he could open his gifts. She responded equally angrily to say yes, what was she supposed to say - no? We had a short but rather loud exchange where I pointed out that I was only five minutes away and all I needed was a phone call, and she told me not to shout at her in her own home and to get out.

I don't think it was right for my DM to give DS my gifts, and it was more than thoughtless of both of them to sit around (with mum's partner and DS's friend), having a jolly time opening gifts and admiring the special ones without me. I am tremendously upset on two counts:

  • after all my anticipation, I missed out on the joy and pleasure of watching my only child receive all the things I'd carefully planned and bought. I missed the whole essence of the birthday experience (DS wouldn't hang around afterwards, he doesn't do 'social', he'd be back in his room on his xbox minutes after gift time).
  • my presence was so unimportant that I just wasn't missed. No-one cared enough to make a quick phone call. I feel so hurt.

AIBU?

You have to let this go, I'm afraid. It obviously is a big deal to you and I am sorry you are disappointed but your son still had the present you took over to open in front of you, on his return. It wasn't your mum's fault, she could hardly refuse your son the right to open his own gifts on his birthday. Having a row with her was not helpful, you left and didn't see him.

21 is surely not a big thing, I am not sure what it signifies now. I would have thought 18, coming of age, was more of a special birthday (I came of age at 20 when the law changed). I actually googled and found this :

"At 21. You can drive certain kinds of larger vehicles, like lorries or buses (with the appropriate license). You are now entitled to full national minimum wage. You can apply to adopt a child (there is no upper age limit)".

I doubt any of that would apply to your son :).

It's sad that things did not happen how you envisaged but, chin up, this will pass. Life is full of disappointments and tomorrow is another day.

Take care of yourself, Ladydriver.

Cherryon · 06/05/2024 21:53

OP- if there was no agreement that the way you wanted the presents to be done was going to happen then whatever hurt you feel was unintentionally caused and that is not as bad as being hurt deliberately.

girlfriend44 · 06/05/2024 21:54

hopscotcher · 06/05/2024 21:45

I don't think you were unreasonable to be upset. You'd put a lot of effort and thought into your son's gifts, and wanted to be there when he opened them. It wasn't a big ask. But....it's done now, and hopefully your mum knows how you feel about it.

Does he buy his mum presents, does he want to be there when she opens them and see her face or it is all one sided?