I didn't 'flounce off' yesterday, I said I didn't have any more time and I didn't. I was out for the rest of the day doing actual stuff away from a keyboard.
There have been lots of comments to respond to and I can't pick all of them up so I'm just going to do a random few in one huge post and maybe summarise a few things I've already written because I think they've been missed by some people.
Firstly, this thread was started because I was upset about being left out of something that I really wanted to be a part of. It was a relatively small event in the overall scheme of things, but it hurt so much not to be missed given that the other people involved were my closest family. Also, I thought that my DM was out of line giving MY gifts to MY DS in my absence and this put her largely at fault. Because I was so upset, I didn't handle my disappointment well in the moment. I mentioned that I was menopausal, which might be a factor in my emotional response. I mentioned that my DS is ND, which may or may not be relevant. I did not expect or want this thread to go off on a tangent about autism, as it has done.
Going back to the birthday itself, DS was mad with me for essentially criticising his judgement. But we got together later in the day and talked it through, quietly and calmly. He told me his point of view, and I listened. Then as soon as I explained why I was upset, he instantly understood and completely flipped his attitude. He was mortified to realise the effect of the morning's events. We spent a good 10 minutes hugging and reassuring each other that everything was fine and no apologies were needed. Then he disappeared off to spend the evening with his mates.
Other families apparently dislike 'performative' gift-giving, 'excessive' gifts and think that there is something wrong with 'playing along' when gift-givers want to watch. That's fine. You do you. But you don't get to tell other people that it's wrong for them when you have no idea what they like and what is normal for them. My DS knows that we love seeing him receive gifts and he likes to make us happy too. He plays along, we know he's playing along, he knows we know he's playing along, and so on. He does it to be nice. Where I come from, it's quite normal to do things just to be nice. And it's much warmer for him to do birthday things in the company of those who love him. I can tell you with absolute certainty that if he didn't want to open gifts in company and pose for the occasional photo, he wouldn't do it. Also, if he didn't want a pile of gifts he wouldn't keep telling me extra things he's thought of that he'd like for his birthday! (Mind you, his memory is so selective that he's most likely forgotten what he's already asked for - he even forgot about his big gift, which he requested and fetched from the shop himself). I also don't need telling that he's spoilt - I know that perfectly well. But he's a lovely, kind and generous person and I spoil him in ways that I am comfortable with. Unlike my mum, who spoils him in every way possible.
My gifts (apart from the cash) were small in value but either thoughtful or superficially a bit odd and in need of explanation, which I had aimed to do at the time. One that I had particularly wanted to see him receive was something I'd created myself using my almost-non-existent design skills and what basic functionality was available in Microsoft Word and Paint. It took hours of my time - it was fun, interesting and educational to do though - but cost less than £2 to have printed onto a coaster. Overall it was an amusing picture, but it was full of detail that was specific to DS's car. I also made an almost-identical one for DS's friend who has the same car but a newer model that is a different shape. As it turned out, friend was present on Monday so they got their coasters together. Apparently they were both tickled pink with their unique gifts, and played spot-the-difference. And I missed it all.
I know my DS really well and treat him like an adult who can make his own choices. He is a very intelligent young man and I know he is capable of great things. It just takes a huge amount of time and effort to get him to engage with these choices, even critically important ones like sorting out his car insurance. I live in fear that he will lose his licence through an accumulation of points because some necessary document has lapsed (his current policy doesn't auto-renew and even if it did, he'd need to arrange payment) - it would literally be the end of the world, driving is the only thing he cares about. He doesn't open mail unless forced, doesn't read emails or read-and-remember text messages unless they are interesting, which insurance isn't. He won't do scheduling, calendars, reminders or anything that requires organisation. There are separate issues around checking the detail on insurance proposals to ensure that it is correct. The last thing we need is to pay thousands for insurance only to find it's invalidated for some technical reason leading to a cancelled policy (making future insurance unaffordable) and/or points for driving without insurance.
It's very patronising of people to suggest that DS isn't getting enough support or the right support. What part of "I've tried everything" is unclear? I have spent countless hours over the years researching different strategies, engaging with professionals and online fora with limited success. So far the only strategies that have worked at all have been ones that we've developed ourselves. One particular problem I have is that until VERY recently, DS refused to acknowledge that he was in any way different from the NT population and therefore in need of extra accommodations or support. But this thread was not supposed to be about supporting DS, which is why I didn't want to elaborate. I am perfectly capable of discussing autism-related issues in the appropriate place.
Am I ND? Quite possibly. I don't do people. I do do words. It's basically what I do for a living. That's why I have difficulty keeping it short and why I can't not be detailed (IYSWIM). I have superb planning and organisation skills and I love admin work. DS is the complete opposite. He is pretty sociable but his executive functioning is atrocious. Anyone who knows anything about autism knows that it affects different people in different ways. There are people on this thread who clearly do understand autism but equally there are a lot of people who clearly don't. It is not remotely helpful to tell me I'm babying my kid while you brag about your capable and successful 21-year-old children who are moving out or travelling around the world. I was starting a professional career and buying my own home at 21 too. But my DS won't boil a pan of spaghetti let alone pay a bill (notice I say won't, not can't).
Re acronyms, I don't have any problem with the word 'autistic' but ND is a common shorthand and covers a range of related and probably-unrelated conditions. Is it not acceptable to use the terms interchangeably? I didn't intend to be dismissive about other conditions by referring to 'alphabet soup' yesterday, but I don't know anything at all about conditions other than autism and ADHD (and I wouldn't consider myself an expert on those), so anyone who wants to list them is welcome to do so.
Some people must live in really dysfunctional families if they don't see that a tiny multi-generational family of 3 people can be very close, especially when (at least) one of us is autistic and family support is much needed and valued. It can't be all that unusual for a single middle-aged antisocial woman to be good friends with her mother. DM is not even that much older than me (she was practically a child bride). It's nothing to do with being 'enmeshed'. It's family.
My DM and I have always been close, more so since DS was born. She was desperate for a grandchild and has been like an extra parent, with my blessing. She has shared the load and supported me by making it possible for me to continue my career. I am not remotely jealous that DS now spends most of his nights there. It is very much like we all live together - just like a multi-generational family in the same house (and I know that is not rare though maybe more common in other countries) but where some of the rooms are half a mile apart. We're not together all the time, but we do have a detailed catch-up every day or so. So I do know exactly what DS is up to and what he is achieving even if I don't witness it personally. My DM is obsessed with DS, I wouldn't be surprised if she was taking notes about which days he was making his own breakfast.
I do think my mum is not doing DS any favours by doing every little thing for him. Of course I've tried talking to her about it, many times, but she won't change. I cannot force him to learn how to look after himself and there is no imperative for him to do so when he can stay there and be nannied. From his point of view, DS has the best of both worlds - he floats between houses getting housekeeper-type care from nan and PA-type care from me, with a big overlap for meal provision.
I'm out of time again, I'm expecting DS any minute (he's already an hour late, nothing new there) to spend some time prepping for a job interview tomorrow. I will try to find more time to respond to recent comments later but I will have to be selective because I really do have other things to do.