DH got drunk with my daughter(his stepdaughter) and her friend

[ByTealDreamer]

I am trying to figure out if i am overreacting or not. I allowed my daughter and her friend to hace a drink at a sleepover over the weekend (with the friends parents permission of course), and my DH decided he would sit there and get drunk with them alone and discuss some questionable subjects. My daughter and her friend are both under 16, though i wont specify exact ages. am i wrong for think that him discussing topics such as anti-muslim hate(something i by no means agree with), pedophilia, transphobia and other controversial topics, with two young and impressionable teenage girls whilst they had had a drink was out of line and absolutely absurd?!
please give me some opinions cause i cant tell if im seeing it for something it is not.

They likely wanted him to,piss off; no one wants a parent sitting there at that age. I’d be less concerned about the questionable subjects than the fact he doesn’t realise they won’t think he’s cool. They will think he’s an embarrassing wanker.

very odd for your DH to drink with children, very odd indeed

You know what to do @ByTealDreamer

Bin him.

and why did the DC drink? That is really odd imo

But then my 18 yo and 14 yo don't drink so maybe am not the one to comment

@ByTealDreamer

Any thing else other dubious actions or and attitudes about your partner then?

My best friend at secondary school had a creepy, inappropriate 'stepdad' (he was actually her mums much younger boyfriend, only about 10 years older than us).

He used to come into her bedroom in the morning with a cup of tea and a fag for her, then sit on her bed cozily and chat shit to her. She was 14 or 15.

Even back then it struck me as not right. I'm not sure if anything more ever happened, but my friend did tell me that her mother fell out with her older sister as she was convinced that she fancied her horrible boyfriend and was jealous that her older daughter was younger than her.

All very disfunctional and wrong..my friends mother was a hot mess looking back, and her rough arse boyfriend seemed to enjoy winding her up by cozying up to her 2 daughters, whilst she directed her anger at the girls rather than her creepy boyfriend 🤢🤢🤢

Why are you making things up?

Why are you giving under 16s alcohol at all? That’s the big parenting fail here.

Yes your DH should not have drank too, but honestly it would have been worse to allow them to drink alone without adult supervision.

Getting a lecture on islamaphobia, pedophiles and transphobia will hopefully put them off drinking in future because he will have successfully bored them to tears.

If you’re going to be angry about it, most of it should be directed towards yourself for allowing the alcohol in the first place.

Well, how did she feel about what happened?

The whole thing sounds pretty dreadful and your DH has shown an astounding lack of judgment. I can only hope it WAS just a lack of judgment and not something sinister.

Don't forget the OP is also part of this. She was fully aware of the poor decision to supply her child with alcohol. This Happened under her roof. Pretty odd that she didn't go to check on them once.

This whole scenario makes me really uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure the girls are 14 and that's why you're saying they're "over 13" and I think that's way too young for them to be getting drunk.
I feel you're being a bit weasly OP! You're saying you can't say their ages because you don't know if they'd want you to and you're protecting their anonymity. What nonsense - you're saying a lot of other stuff about them! I think you're not saying their age because they're only 14 and you feel bad about it.
You're also saying you thought it was fine for them to drink because the other girl's parents supplied alcohol - Jesus, that's not really a reason for allowing it in your house.
Don't get me wrong , I haven't lived a sheltered life. I started drinking at 14 myself. It's precisely why I think it's wrong! Looking back I wasn't mentally or physically ready for alcohol.
My daughter turns 14 in a few months and I'd be absolutely apalled if she was allowed to drink alcohol at a sleepover. The fact your DH was getting with them makes it even worse. What they discussed is the least of your worries. You have to take some responsibility here too. Why aren't you livid that your DH was plying your DD with alcohol?!

More than aware, she had arranged it with the other girls’ parents.

I think OPs initial post was rather vague but information added in later posts does seem to suggest the girls were never supposed to be getting drunk. Sounds to me like one drink had been allowed, not a sleepover to get drunk as everyone is making out.

DH has allowed the step daughter to then drink more.

To me OPs mistake seems to be trusting her husband to make sure they stuck to the rule of a small drink, I am sure she did not expect he would get drunk himself and allow them to drink a lot of alcohol.

Topics of conversation would make me feel uneasy, when he has also got drunk and allowed his step daughter to drink more.

Yet.

@OkPedro the title of the post literally says "DH got drunk with my daughter".

It's not making things up to assume they were both drunk from that sentence. OP's clarification came much later on in the thread.

OP never said they were allowed only one small drink. She said a set ammount had been agreed. Could have been way more than one drink.

Did the girls ASK for alcohol or did you suggest it for their sleepover?

What alcohol was it? Wkd is a bit different to free poured vodka and cokes.

Seems to be enough to send a lot of people here into panic mode and suspecting the worst.

@SallyWD so we are to presume the set amount was an amount to get them drink? I don't read it that way as OP herself and the other girls parents had agreed on the amount. I don't feel 2 sets of parents have planned for them to get drunk. OP did say her daughter had drank 2 bottles, so I don't know of course how big these bottles are or what they were, but this is what led me to think 1 drink had been the plan.

This.

Can you 100% say nothing happened in the night? I'd be very interested know if he was in his bed all night, not creeping around or even actually trying something.

Your husband was way out of line.

And why did you allow to under 16s to have a drink at a sleepover? And where were you while this happened?

Sorry OP this is piss poor parenting on your part. Allowing 14-15 year old girls at a sleepover to drink. Why would you do that? To what end?

And then this little incident with your DH who sounds like an absolute creep and a dirty old pervert. We've all seen these type of men before.

Honestly what will you do about this?

@littleoldme1 hi! this is the original poster on a different account as i was for some reason logged out of that one. i originally allowed my daughter half a bottle of WKD, which then turned into that whole bottle and another bottle of Smirnoff ice, as much as thats not really a lot, my daughter doesnt weigh much meaning 2 bottles was likely a lot to her hence why i only sad half of a WKD

If my DD had come home and told me that your DH got drunk with them and discussed what you described I’d have been having serious words with you and your DH. I’d also be having a talk with my DD about enforcing boundaries if she was uncomfortable. She also wouldn’t be back at your home given your DH thought it appropriate to get drunk with teenage girls. That’s wrong on so many levels.

Edited to add we never allowed alcohol at sleepovers.

@Whitewatergrafting hi! this is the poster on another acc due to being logged out for some reason. i realise that it probably wasnt a great decision seeing other peoples views on it, its just whats common in my area specifically, not that it makes it right. and i do have plans to leave my DH due to this and other issues