DH got drunk with my daughter(his stepdaughter) and her friend

[ByTealDreamer]

I am trying to figure out if i am overreacting or not. I allowed my daughter and her friend to hace a drink at a sleepover over the weekend (with the friends parents permission of course), and my DH decided he would sit there and get drunk with them alone and discuss some questionable subjects. My daughter and her friend are both under 16, though i wont specify exact ages. am i wrong for think that him discussing topics such as anti-muslim hate(something i by no means agree with), pedophilia, transphobia and other controversial topics, with two young and impressionable teenage girls whilst they had had a drink was out of line and absolutely absurd?!
please give me some opinions cause i cant tell if im seeing it for something it is not.

I mean you're both acting totally inappropriately!

He sounds like a classic old creepy drunk racist person.

You sound like you're shifting blame onto him, rather than accept that you had underage drinking children at home! Also refusing to clarify ages but saying between 13-16 is just odd.

I'm questioning your judgement leaving two underage girls to drink with an unrelated male. Why did he want to drink with them? Why did he discuss such topics??

Why did they need to be drinking?! It's 18 for a reason. And yes the step dad is weird and creepy .
1 drink ok getting drunk is stupid and irresponsible of you.

WTAF. Your DH is getting pissed with 14/15 year old girls? And you're supplying the alcohol? Totally irresponsible on all fronts. You, your DH and the other child's parents.

IMO

Having a drink under 16 if parents ok with it? Fine.

I’m impressed how many respondents don’t think under 16s drinks with adults at home on occasion. They’d drink anyway, home is a safer environment.

Topics of conversation? Unless he was being weird in some way, they are fine.

These are topics they will read about in newspapers, online, social media, hear at school etc. It could be a good thing to be able to ask questions of a trusted adult.

The only bit I’d say is questionable is letting them get drunk / have more than you had agreed to, and him being drunk enough it was notable.

Lesson for the future - pre-agree how much they can have. And perhaps a warning to your DH to just be a bit thoughtful about it.

Yes, he’s been a complete idiot. He should have checked they were ok and left them to it. Or he could have stayed in the room and been sensible. But he should not have been drinking heavily while in the room with them.

It all sounds a bit seedy to me.
Grown man hanging around 14/15 yo girls, neither related to him, drinking together. And paedophilia was his topic of choice?

Weird.

Where were you all the time this was going on? If you weren't there how do you know what they discussed? I don't understand why you thought giving alcohol to underage kids was ok and why after you had organised this you weren't present. I'd be really pissed off with you if i was the other girl's parent.

So they’re either 14 or 15. And you haven’t put a firm boundary in around alcohol. That’s really not on, OP. It’s not what most parents do, or most teens. You need to reflect on why you think it’s OK to normalise drinking with your daughter who is in her early teens.

Fuck off with the vague bollocks.

Between 13 & 16 my fat arse.

Why are you concerned really?

You're very bothered about your partner drinking with them, but you seem not at all bothered that your child was supplied with alcohol by another parent.

What's the real issue?
You either trust your partner, or you leave.

I think the drinking was fine aslong as they were close to 16 and he wasn't like falling over drunk, but the topics of conversation is somewhat questionable. Did the topics come from him, it them? I used to go to the pub with my Dad at 16.

Are you seriously comparing the two scenarios?

Your husband decided to gatecrash a young teen sleepover, get pissed and discuss paedophilia amongst other controversial topics?

No wonder you feel dodgy about it, I would too.

He sounds like a creepy step dad who thinks young girls fawn all over him because he's just so cool and not like other parents.

I wouldn't be able to look at him the same again.

Atrocious parenting here from you OP. Let alone this bloke.

i was not expecting him to get drunk with them and allow my daughter to drink two bottles of alcohol without saying a thing

All sorts of wrong here from him, and if i were you OP i'd be doing a bit of introspection on my own opinions around appropriate behaviour at sleepovers and my attitude to alcohol.

So many things could have gone wrong above and beyond what has happened already.

i had no idea my DH would be discussing anything of that sort with them, or even discussing anything with them. i had a limit on how much my daughter could drink and he allowed her to exceed that limit. (not the other girl though, she stayed in her parents limit!)

So now you know, what are you doing about it?

So what are you going to do?

Very recent studies have demonstrated that it's not "safer" to have tweens/teenagers drink at home.

In fact, a highly publicised study just proved that the UK's practice of doing just this results in the worst outcomes when it comes to future binging and other undesirable behaviours.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/e8fb3ec6-ec21-11e8-8888-d940336e3709?shareToken=e14f24fc21cf8cbbb351bc01125d29cb

there was a firm limit on both girls alcohol intake. he allowed my daughter to exceed that without my knowledge. i take responsibility in the sense maybe providing alcohol was wrong, but i assumed it would be okay since the other girls parents provided my daughter with alcohol too and i had their direct consent to give her some. the friends limit was not exceeded.

I think it’s creepy and I wouldn’t want this man around my daughter or her friends. That’s not how someone in a fatherly position of trust and authority behaves.

What we're his reasons for wanting your dd to get pissed like that?

What's he saying about it all now?

People always say they let kids drink at a young age to get them to see it as not a big deal (I don't agree with this). But that obviously is not working for you op . As your daughter did not have the ability to refuse more alcohol from her stepdad . And if she can not at home then she probably won't be sensible outside of your home.
I would worry about them telling school friends they got drunk with her step dad

He has broken your trust, with your child and another child, never forget that.

If this isn’t the most serious kind of grooming, I don’t know what is… get him away from the children! If you do not, you will be complicit and partly responsible for anything that happens.

Going against the grain to say I don’t think YABU for letting your DD and friend (with her parents permission) have a drink in your home.

I don’t think it’s as black and white to say you shouldn’t normalise underage drinking. Just because you don’t normalise it, doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen.

My mother had an absolute zero tolerance policy on drinking alcohol which resulted in me and my mates drinking far too much on the streets and getting ourselves into extremely dangerous situations.

🤢