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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH got drunk with my daughter(his stepdaughter) and her friend

294 replies

ByTealDreamer · 06/05/2024 20:15

I am trying to figure out if i am overreacting or not. I allowed my daughter and her friend to hace a drink at a sleepover over the weekend (with the friends parents permission of course), and my DH decided he would sit there and get drunk with them alone and discuss some questionable subjects. My daughter and her friend are both under 16, though i wont specify exact ages. am i wrong for think that him discussing topics such as anti-muslim hate(something i by no means agree with), pedophilia, transphobia and other controversial topics, with two young and impressionable teenage girls whilst they had had a drink was out of line and absolutely absurd?!
please give me some opinions cause i cant tell if im seeing it for something it is not.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 07/05/2024 08:35

If an adult male was getting drunk with my underage child I would be contacting the police and requesting a Sarah's law. Very dodgy!

JosiePosey · 07/05/2024 08:39

andthat · 07/05/2024 08:34

OP I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you didn’t check… you were parenting one child and it’s not unreasonable to expect your DH was parenting the other. That was your agreement. Sadly your husband has shown extremely poor judgement.

I do think you were unreasonable for letting either child have alcohol at the ages you’ve mentioned. It might be the ‘done thing’ where you live but it’s a really shit decision.

And you would be hugely unreasonable to let your husband supervise a sleep over again. 14/15 year olds girls being encouraged to get drunk by a male parent screams red flags. And even if he didn’t have nefarious intentions, doesn’t it concern him that he put himself in a position where he could have been accused of something?

I think its unreasonable. She gave the girls alcohol and walked away and left them with a drinking/drunk, abusive and controlling man.

She's basically offered them up to him to abuse them.

SloaneStreetVandal · 07/05/2024 08:43

adviceneeded1990 · 07/05/2024 07:58

This. Terrible parenting and very skewed judgement. God forbid he has done anything that made either girl feel uncomfortable because supplying the alcohol looks very much like a grooming tactic.

Hopefully one or both girls will mention it at school (being allowed alcohol is something a teen is likely to brag about) and it'll be overheard/noted by staff, with questions then asked.
It's ridiculous that @ByTealDreamer even needs to ask if their (both her and her creepy husband's) behaviour was inappropriate.

Polishedshoesalways · 07/05/2024 08:43

This would be the end of the relationship for me!

This is entirely inappropriate and I could never ever trust him again. He has over stepped in so many ways. Giving your child too much to drink and then talking inappropriately with her. You can not trust this man any longer.

He needs to leave.
Your dd is telling you this felt wrong to her. Please listen to her and keep her safe.

OrlandointheWilderness · 07/05/2024 08:43

If that was my DD who had gone to a friends house and her dad had done that I'd be fuming. Absolutely out of order.

Saharafordessert · 07/05/2024 08:45

YABU
YOU failed to keep both girls safe
YOU gave them alcohol
YOU don’t check them

Zanatdy · 07/05/2024 08:46

under 16 no way I’d be giving alcohol and your DH getting drunk with them is totally out of order

Polishedshoesalways · 07/05/2024 08:46

This happened to me at a friends house at eleven years old. Her Dad came on to us by being overly friendly, he kept her mother out of the way, it was most terrifying situation. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell my mum for a year or two because of the shame.

You can not trust men that are happy to get drunk with a child. FFS.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 07/05/2024 08:47

What’s odd is allowing a child to get drunk in the first place, but would you feel this was inappropriate if he was her biological father? Personally I think parents allowing an under 16 to drink is batshit and drinking with them even worse.

Polishedshoesalways · 07/05/2024 08:53

This is exactly how child abuse happens, in plain sight. A man given access to young girls unfettered and getting them drunk. This is going to end very badly op. Please can you safe guard your child. And her friends.

I would be expecting a call from social services, because if the friend tells her parents what happened you are screwed. This is extremely poor parenting allowing this man such access to children.

Pookerrod · 07/05/2024 08:56

I’m a pretty relaxed parent of teenagers but I can’t get my head around you supplying alcohol for a normal sleepover. I know my teen has had a drink and even got drunk at a big teen house party she went to. I didn’t get cross, I mopped up her vomit and spoke to her at length about the dangers of alcohol, especially when so young. So I’m not naive, some teens are desperate to grow up and think having a drink is fun. But supplying alcohol at a low key sleepover is just plain wrong. It is normalising alcohol abuse. Encouraging it even.

No issues with the topics discussed, I’ve discussed those topics with my teens myself.

My DD would never be allowed in your house again though. Creepy stepdad wanting to hang out and get drunk with 14 year old girls…. Yuk.

adviceneeded1990 · 07/05/2024 09:00

MorningSunshineSparkles · 07/05/2024 08:47

What’s odd is allowing a child to get drunk in the first place, but would you feel this was inappropriate if he was her biological father? Personally I think parents allowing an under 16 to drink is batshit and drinking with them even worse.

I can’t speak for anyone else but I’d feel exactly the same if it was her biological father. Or mother. Or grandparent. Or friends parent. Or any adult who is supposed to have a modicum of maturity and good judgement!

littleoldme1 · 07/05/2024 09:15

Goodness, typical mumsnetters getting so judgmental when we don't know all the facts.

We don't know that OP never checked on the girls at all that night. We don't know if she knew that was the exact point the teenagers were to be drinking or if she had told them to stay in the girls room.

Those also saying she has sole responsibility and the other parents agreed she was the ones looking after the girls, again we don't know that. If my children go to a sleepover I am usually aware there's a father in the home too, who may also take some responsibility for supervising children. He may only be the step dad but he is still OPs DH and by the sounds of it they share another child together. So I don't think it's wrong to expect a step father to take some responsibility.

OP has said she regrets the decision to allow any alcohol but by no means was it ever meant to be a situation where anyone would be drunk. It could also have been a case of they were supposed to be having the drink at a different time in that evening and stepfather has given them it when OP was elsewhere. It does not mean she said yes off you go on your own at this moment and get drunk.

I think OPs mistake was posting vaguely on here to be judged and blamed for something her DH has done. He is also supposed to be a responsible adult and I'm sure OP isn't the first person to trust their own husband to be a responsible adult.

OP hasn't supplied the teenager with a large amount of alcohol. She and the other teenagers parents agreed on a small amount, which for all we know could have been supposed to have been drunk at a different point the evening, with a meal or anything like that.

OP - your DH was definitely out of order and I hope you would never trust his judgement again. Even if he meant no harm, he's put himself in a really bad position here and made himself look like a creepy stepdad. I hope your DD and her friend are both okay and I hope this doesn't cause any major issues.

DriftingDora · 07/05/2024 09:27

This post is so weird if it's true. Was he trying to 'get down with the kids'?😂 Is he supposedly a responsible adult? Oh gawd, how embarrassing - major 'ick' alert here.

If he'd decided to discuss serious subjects with both of them, did he think the drink might help? 🙄

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 07/05/2024 09:33

It's wrong because there's a power imbalance. If either of those girls felt uncomfortable they may not have felt able to say.

Drunken conversations like that have the potential to create an intimacy through shared connection. That's not appropriate.

It blurs the child/adult barrier. He's supposed to be the parent managing them having a drink not colluding in it.

The question is why did he do it?

Was he trying to be down with the kids (gross)

Was he being a man and not recognising his power in a situation

Was he very drunk and didn't see the consequences (not a excuse)

Or was it more sinister?

If it's any of the first three he needs to recognise why this was wrong

Starlight1979 · 07/05/2024 09:36

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:04

@alexdgr8 hi! this is the original poster on a different account as i was logged out. i never encouraged it, its normal in my area, my daughter hardly ever drinks, and it was originally only ever half a bottle of WKD, which DH then ignored and let her have more. its ofc up to you who you let your children around but i just wanted to clarify things

"It's normal in my area"??? Huh??? Underage drinking isn't "normal" in any area 😂WTF are you on about?!

And I'm not being all holier than tho. My DSD (12) gets the occasional small glass of prosecco / wine with lemonade when we are having a meal together as a treat but under no circumstances would I allow her friend to have one if she was sleeping over. Whether now or in 2-3 years time.

As others have said, there's absolutely no need to be allowing teenage girls to sit up drinking at home. Very, very weird. And your "D" H sitting with them?! WTF?! My DP literally has no interaction with the girls when they're having a sleepover. The most he'll do is knock on the bedroom door to let them know food is ready. No way in a million years would he be sat trying to have a conversation with them?!

And why were you upstairs for 2 HOURS?! Did you not go downstairs once in that time?!

This whole thing is just creepy.

Xenoi24 · 07/05/2024 09:40

The topics of conversation are not the problem.

To the contrary, the topic of paedophilia was probably chosen for a reason; he may be interested in hearing what their views were on it - to assess their boundaries.

Xenoi24 · 07/05/2024 09:45

Op, you're "taking steps to leave", if I read that right.

I'd take those steps a lot faster.

He's not a good person to have around your DD.

You've also said he's emotionally abusive and controlling.

He's a dud, and that's an understatement.

I take it the 9 month old child is his?
That's unfortunate.

How long were you seeing him before you moved in together and before you fell pregnant?

You may not be able to stop him from seeing his child but he doesn't have to have anything whatsoever to do with you DD. At such a vulnerable age, you need to get her away from him.

You yourself need to get away from him.

What can you do to make that happen asap?

newfriend05 · 07/05/2024 09:46

OP how did your daughter feel ? The fact she had a chat with you about it makes me think she felt uncomfortable.. if that you as the case then that's you answer ..

Xenoi24 · 07/05/2024 09:48

And why were you upstairs for 2 HOURS?! Did you not go downstairs once in that time?!

She was trying to get a baby to sleep.

That can take a long time, if you haven't experienced that, you are fortunate indeed.

She trusted her partner/h to act appropriately. He did not.

She wrongly thought that, even though he's emotionally abusive and controlling, he wouldn't be inappropriate in other ways. She was wrong.

You can't trust this guy on a number of fronts op, time to get out for yourself and your dd's sake.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/05/2024 09:48

Two 15 girls enjoying a glass of Prosecco at a sleepover whilst chatting is one thing. (Personally I wouldn’t allow this in a million years but each to their own). One of the girls Stepfather’s joining them to get pissed and discuss topics such as paedophilia is downright fucking pervy.

Can you not see what that looks like? Why did he do that? Why not leave them to it and let them have a drink and chat?

Xenoi24 · 07/05/2024 09:50

newfriend05 · 07/05/2024 09:46

OP how did your daughter feel ? The fact she had a chat with you about it makes me think she felt uncomfortable.. if that you as the case then that's you answer ..

Her feelings matter, but also in a way they don't. Because the op knows this was inappropriate regardless of whether her DD feels uncomfortable or not.

Heronwatcher · 07/05/2024 09:52

Sounds incredibly creepy and inappropriate. Not just the drinking but the discussion of completely inappropriate stuff with a minor, late at night. I bet both girls were seriously weirded out and if I was the other child’s parents she would not be coming again.

Your OH seems to have an issue with boundaries with your daughter which I also find genuinely really worrying. I think this is a massive red flag. Personally I’d be saying no more alcohol for your DD at home until it’s legal to buy it herself and not leaving him alone with her/ them. I’d probably also be considering long term if he can be trusted.

Xenoi24 · 07/05/2024 09:55

She gave the girls alcohol and walked away and left them with a drinking/drunk, abusive and controlling man.

In the spirit of accuracy and fairness to the op ..

It doesn't sound like he was drinking or drunk when she went to put her baby to sleep. It sounds like he started after she went ..and she had not expected him to drink.

Xenoi24 · 07/05/2024 09:58

I'd probably also be considering long term if he can be trusted.

The op has stated that he is emotionally abusive and controlling, and that's she's taking steps to leave.

This is just more bad shit revealed about his character.

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