DH got drunk with my daughter(his stepdaughter) and her friend

[ByTealDreamer]

I am trying to figure out if i am overreacting or not. I allowed my daughter and her friend to hace a drink at a sleepover over the weekend (with the friends parents permission of course), and my DH decided he would sit there and get drunk with them alone and discuss some questionable subjects. My daughter and her friend are both under 16, though i wont specify exact ages. am i wrong for think that him discussing topics such as anti-muslim hate(something i by no means agree with), pedophilia, transphobia and other controversial topics, with two young and impressionable teenage girls whilst they had had a drink was out of line and absolutely absurd?!
please give me some opinions cause i cant tell if im seeing it for something it is not.

He allowed your DD to have two bottles of alcohol (alcohols? Spirits?) but not her friend who had to stick to what was agreed with her parents? That is terrible because firstly he’s making them different at a sleepover and secondly it’s downright creepy rather than just poor judgement.

Had the adults (you and DH) been drinking before this?

What a shitshow - you, your DH and the other parents are a disgrace. Imagine encouraging a 14/15 year old to drink. Also, what is this bs about privacy and not giving ages, you have given enough details already, very bizzare!

We love a debate in this house and I actively encourage it with my two teens. One has had a sip of Prosecco once and didn't like it, would I offer them alcohol - no absolutely not. I'm very creeped out your H was pissed up at that time of night with two very young girls.. I'm sorry but this would most definitely right huge alarm bells with me.

My parents used to get us pizza and sweets and some films to watch at sleepovers then they'd just leave us alone. Same at my friends houses. They'd check in on us obviously but I'd have been mortified if they wanted to sit and hang out with us.

You won't specify ages because you know providing alcohol to 14 year olds is both morally repugnant and criminal. Yourself and your husband are both seriously lacking in judgement.

Have to agree, seems truly bizarre to me offering a 13-15 year old alcohol, never mind the chat.

YABU

you we’re supposed to be the responsible consenting adult here. Where TF were you? (Yes I know looking after your other kid) you weren’t able to be in 2 places at once so you shouldn’t have left two alcohol drinking teenagers without at least checking on them

This. Terrible parenting and very skewed judgement. God forbid he has done anything that made either girl feel uncomfortable because supplying the alcohol looks very much like a grooming tactic.

It’s effing creepy OP yuk yuk yuk

It's not so much the topics their discussing that's weird. It's the why is a grown man hanging around a teenage girls sleepover that's weird. And it's not going to end well when the friend goes home and tells her parents what she did last night.

Perfectly put.

as a young teen who unfortunately looked older physically I can tell you, we KNEW that older men even dads were flirting with us. AND your daughter would have known.

tell me one thing… if your daughters friend was overweight, spotty, greasy hair.. would he have sat there enjoying a drink with her?

or was he enjoying the company of ( in his eyes) or pretty underage girls

i suspect the latter and I suspect he felt titillated and turned on by the subject matter … especially when even hinting at being sexual.

The most famous P*rn sites are absolutely sickening, vomit inducing , FULL of vids like ‘stepdaughter’ my ‘young stepdaughters friend’ etc… absolutely revolting and I fear normalises unhealthy ideas. I would be VERY Worried if my adult partner sat drinking with underage children and touched on those subjects.

1000 percent inappropriate and like I say.. I tell you from experience of attempted grooming and deeply inappropriate attention from older men as a young teen.

Also ask yourself … would YOU sit drinking with two young boys and discuss such things. I very much expect NOT

The whole thing is weird. Including your purposely very vague responses.
while I’m not against young people having small bits of alcohol on certain occasions, it’s weird to just normalise sitting at home drinking for no “reason”, especially that young.
Those subjects are actually important topics that should be discussed with young people but not in those circumstances.
Your DH is weird and creepy. I’d expect him to watch on from a distance and not really get involved with much conversation with them. Definitely not encouraging more drinking.
Oys also weird you vanished for what sounds likes hours to put another child to bed. Regardless of their age, that’s odd.
I would seriously be questioning my husbands thought processes if he did that to my teenager.

No it’s worse than that. An adult with two under 16s was plying ONLY ONE of them with alcohol - the visitor was made stick to the limit agreed with her parents.

@ForLimeBeaker @ByTealDreamer you say your husband is abusive but he lives with your dd/his step dd? Not only that but you gave permission for underage dd and her friend to drink with this abusive man?

Re vanishing to bed, I wonder if the adults had been drinking before this which might explain clouded judgement and long disappearances.

He is a creep of the first degree. I wouldn't want him anywhere near my daughter.

I regularly discuss these topics with a 14-year-old. I think context is important here. They get ideas from their peers and are often confused.

If he embarrassed them, or if it wasn't a two-way conversation, that's weird.

I think the OP is getting a little bit too much stick about the fact that she allowed her daughter and friend to have a drink! She had permission from the friend's parents and the friend's limit was not exceeded. Her daughter also had a limit! Some people are focussing more about the drinking rather than the biggest concern here....the husband!!! OP you are not over reacting! What your DH has done is not normal. Firstly, instead of keeping your daughter safe, he has allowed her to exceed the drink limit you had set for her. This is a major red flag! You should be able to trust that he will adheer to this and look out for your daughter, not allow her to drink more! The subjects that he has discussed with them are totally out of order, especially the paedophilia!! That is not normal at all! He shouldn't have had a drink with them either! He should have been acting as a responsible adult whilst you were sorting out your DS. So many red flags with this! I would chat to your daughter and see if there has ever been any other times he has mentioned inappropriate subjects to her and I would speak to him and let him know you are not happy. It's creepy and pervy what he has done and take that from somebody who has faced abuse issues from their step father. I don't want to alarm you but this really doesn't sit right! Even if he has no intention of doing anything else, the fact he has had this discussion with under age girls is concerning enough, almost like he's got a kick out of it. Listen to your gut x

Yeah you’re right about the husband.

BUT, why hadn’t OP (the responsible adult apparently) not checked on them?

I’d take that abuse claim with a pinch of salt. It was only brought up after the OP got a lot of stick on the thread. As usual many posters lap it up because it suits the (dubious) narrative of the questionable thread.

My teenage DD has a lot of sleep overs. The thought of my DH hanging out with DD and her friends, getting drunk, actually turns my stomach! My DD would be mortified! Then you consider your DH is actually the stepdad who you've previously left because of his abusive and controlling behaviour and it seems even more sinister. I'm pretty sure your DD was extremely uncomfortable in this scenario and perhaps even too scared to tell him to go away.
And you're her mum. You should have been looking out for her but instead you disappeared for two hours putting your son to bed!! I find this incredible! I put my younger son to bed too but I am always aware of what else is happening in my house. If my daughter had a friend over I'd definitely be checking they were OK (especially if alcohol was being drunk).

Yes, agreed that she should have checked on them too in that time period but I feel that she trusted her husband to do this for her whilst she settled her DS.

More likely trying to get a kick out of talking that shit with young girls.

That's werid and you know it. Talk to the girls, see what they thought about it. If they felt grossed out by him, then you'll have to tell him so. Explain that they don't have to stay with him, they can go to daughters bedroom. Drinking won't be a good idea anymore for them, it makes them unsafe.

OP I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you didn’t check… you were parenting one child and it’s not unreasonable to expect your DH was parenting the other. That was your agreement. Sadly your husband has shown extremely poor judgement.

I do think you were unreasonable for letting either child have alcohol at the ages you’ve mentioned. It might be the ‘done thing’ where you live but it’s a really shit decision.

And you would be hugely unreasonable to let your husband supervise a sleep over again. 14/15 year olds girls being encouraged to get drunk by a male parent screams red flags. And even if he didn’t have nefarious intentions, doesn’t it concern him that he put himself in a position where he could have been accused of something?