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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH got drunk with my daughter(his stepdaughter) and her friend

294 replies

ByTealDreamer · 06/05/2024 20:15

I am trying to figure out if i am overreacting or not. I allowed my daughter and her friend to hace a drink at a sleepover over the weekend (with the friends parents permission of course), and my DH decided he would sit there and get drunk with them alone and discuss some questionable subjects. My daughter and her friend are both under 16, though i wont specify exact ages. am i wrong for think that him discussing topics such as anti-muslim hate(something i by no means agree with), pedophilia, transphobia and other controversial topics, with two young and impressionable teenage girls whilst they had had a drink was out of line and absolutely absurd?!
please give me some opinions cause i cant tell if im seeing it for something it is not.

OP posts:
Stripeysocks1981 · 06/05/2024 23:23

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:21

@Stripeysocks1981 hi! this is op on another acc as i got logged out of that one. ive been with him 10 years, and we definitely have a lot of issues but never anything like this, this may be because i have never before allowed my daughter to drink up until this weekend.

What other issues have you had?
The consensus here has been pretty overwhelmingly in agreement that it’s creepy as hell. How do you plan to deal with it?

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:25

@Stripeysocks1981 hi! past issues are things such as emotional abuse and control, i am under things to get help and leave basically.

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 06/05/2024 23:27

Creepiest stepdad ever. I’d honestly leave him for this behaviour.

Coshei · 06/05/2024 23:28

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:25

@Stripeysocks1981 hi! past issues are things such as emotional abuse and control, i am under things to get help and leave basically.

😆

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 06/05/2024 23:28

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:25

@Stripeysocks1981 hi! past issues are things such as emotional abuse and control, i am under things to get help and leave basically.

Oh. Well, this just cements it. Abuse and control? Leave/kick him out. Protect the kids.

PoppyCherryDog · 06/05/2024 23:29

YABU the whole situation just seems mad

littleoldme1 · 06/05/2024 23:29

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 22:51

@littleoldme1 hi! this is the original poster on a different account as i was for some reason logged out of that one. i originally allowed my daughter half a bottle of WKD, which then turned into that whole bottle and another bottle of Smirnoff ice, as much as thats not really a lot, my daughter doesnt weigh much meaning 2 bottles was likely a lot to her hence why i only sad half of a WKD

So he's let your daughter drink a reasonable amount more than you had agreed to. Then discussed paedophilia with her and her friend.

Whether it was right or wrong for you to allow them to have a drink in the first place, he has definitely crossed a line here. It sounds like he's a creep, I just don't understand how any grown man could think this is acceptable behaviour.

I have to add I do know many parents who allow their teenagers to have the occasional drink. Especially with drinks such as WKD and I don't personally think that is an horrendous thing to do, like lots of others seem to. I, however would definitely not allow this to happen under your DH's supervision ever again. In fact, I'd want him away from teenagers!

Dweetfidilove · 06/05/2024 23:30

My daughter wouldn’t be allowed near your home after this incident, but I also wouldn’t have been authorising drinking of any kind to begin with ☹️.

You both sound unsafe to me - drinking/ disappearing/ inappropriate company- nah😔

Stripeysocks1981 · 06/05/2024 23:31

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:25

@Stripeysocks1981 hi! past issues are things such as emotional abuse and control, i am under things to get help and leave basically.

What are you doing to leave?
He is showing red flags that he’s grooming your daughter-if I were you I would be packing his bags and removing him immediately so he has no access to your kids. Is there a reason you are unable to do that?

AngryPrincess · 06/05/2024 23:32

More grooming than Buckingham Palace Stables.
Protect your daughter and her friend.

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:32

@Dweetfidilove hi yea i defo see that perspective, i shouldve defo checked, drinking was only ever allowed because my daughter had drank with them before and they had also directly gave the okay.

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:34

@Stripeysocks1981 I actually have something going on tomorrow to basically push leaving forward. i have tried leaving in the past but i basically got harassed till i went back to him so

Firefightress1 · 06/05/2024 23:36

Is this for real? 2 posters.... excuses galore.

I hope not

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:37

@Firefightress1 i couldnt of exactly helped being randomly logged out of my other account. and no i admit wrong doing in providing any alcohol and trust DH to supervise like a sane human theres not really an excuse for that

Stripeysocks1981 · 06/05/2024 23:38

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:34

@Stripeysocks1981 I actually have something going on tomorrow to basically push leaving forward. i have tried leaving in the past but i basically got harassed till i went back to him so

Well it’s time to prioritise your children. I can’t believe hers still there.

ACynicalDad · 06/05/2024 23:42

Not ideal but there is a big range of depth of questioning that may have happened. Also it could have been a rant from him or a conversation that was quite light. Probably let it go.

skippy67 · 06/05/2024 23:45

Neither you or your DH sound like responsible parents. You couldn't know this, you couldn't know that. How about you not let kids drink in your house?? You've put so much energy into not telling us how old they are. Maybe some of that focus could've been directed towards better decision making around kids and alcohol. Just a thought...

Aswellisnotoneword · 06/05/2024 23:48

If you're going to let your 14 or 15yo daughter drink, YOU should be supervising, you're her parent, not an unrelated male who happens to live there. I'm sure that's what her friend's parents would have expected of you too since you're the one talking to them.

I find it difficult to believe that your young one's bedtime was so tricky that you didn't have the opportunity to notice what was happening downstairs for HOURS. Either way, presumably your DH is the father of the baby and could have dealt with him while you looked after the girls.

You were irresponsible letting them drink in the first place (and continually trying to blame it on the friend's parent, like you have no will of your own!) and you were more irresponsible not to supervise properly.

Cherryon · 06/05/2024 23:48

skippy67 · 06/05/2024 23:45

Neither you or your DH sound like responsible parents. You couldn't know this, you couldn't know that. How about you not let kids drink in your house?? You've put so much energy into not telling us how old they are. Maybe some of that focus could've been directed towards better decision making around kids and alcohol. Just a thought...

I agree. The 9 mo old should be in bed earlier..starting at 9pm is ludicrous late. There should be zero underage drinking of alcohol on a sleepover. There should also be zero drunkeness of parents at home, especially when responsible for a sleepover!

newfriend05 · 06/05/2024 23:48

I think he may have been trying to be a "cool parent " OP ..however it's not cool and I would be having a word about him getting drunk with two young girls it's creepy

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:48

@skippy67 hi! this is op on another acc. ive asked my DD if i can share her age and she said yes. she is 15. no i shouldnt of supplied alcohol, i did it because its normal in my area but it doesnt make it right. I'll definitely think about that more in future and consider actually science rather then social norms

ClareBlue · 06/05/2024 23:48

Emotionally abusive controlling man who has enough power over you to get you to go back after you left because it was so bad.
Now ignoring you with regard to how much alcohol your teenage daughter can have and getting drunk in her company and discussing paedophilia in a conversation that makes her feel awkward and embarrassed.
You have to get him out immediately or leave with your children.

Rookangaroo4 · 06/05/2024 23:51

You’re both weird. Who lets their 14 year old get drunk ffs 🙄

Aswellisnotoneword · 06/05/2024 23:53

I've read more of your posts OP - the ones that didn't come up under your original username - and am even more horrified that knowing what an arsehole this guy is, you left him with the 2 young girls for hours without even popping back downstairs to see if everything was ok.

I mean, he's awful and he's got to go - I'm not blaming you for his behaviour. I'll blame you for not even trying to protect your kids from his behaviour, though.

ForLimeBeaker · 06/05/2024 23:54

@Rookangaroo4 hi! this is op on a diff acc. my daughter isnt 14. shes 15. not that it makes a massive difference but figured id clarify? also i didn't allow her to get drunk, i said half a drink that DH then ignored and it changed into 2.