12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

I would figure out how much you would have spent on clothes, present etc. Work out a budget to do something for four (e.g. theme park, musical etc) then discuss with dd1 what she wants to do, then present dd2 with a choice come with you, dh and dd1 to the fun activity or go with PIL to wedding if PIL willing to have her all day and overnight. Otherwise just say it isn't practical because the rest of you will be at fun activity and so no one can pick her up and drop her home.

If the 4 of them live together as a family unit and obviously OPs DH has been in her life since she was tiny then it is strange not to invite both children.

So it would be one rule for one child and one for another is the point. If the dad was involved the older child could
go to any and all family parties she was invited too. However the younger sibling wouldn’t be allowed to unless the older one also was.

yes the younger wouldn’t be related to the older family etc but the older isn’t related to the young’s family who clearly want her there. If the marriage fails tomorrow these are still the younger siblings family members and the op and her older child would never be seen again.

Making one sibling miss out on their own family because it’s not fair isn’t fair in itself.

I thought that the bride to be / mil had invited the step daughter to the wedding in the end? the sil hadn't realised she hadn't been invited

Does your 15 year old view your husband as her dad? 100% not just a i'll call him dad as its the closest I've got? Has he adopted her ?

I have never heard her even speak about this cousin but she insists she likes him and wants to hang out with her other cousins.

Your DD12 is in for a shock when she's not hanging out with the 30 year old cousins at the wedding. Are other children cousins going? Honestly, I get how you feel but I think you need to play the long game and let her go for a better chance at family harmony. You and DH should treat DD15 to a fun day for her and make her know she's important.

How is that relevant?

Can't believe you'd actually even try to stop a 12 year old from going somewhere because your other child isn't invited. It's ridiculous. You stick to your principles and don't go. Let her live.

It's nothing to do with her that your previous relationship didn't work out and you've had to blend families. Not her problem. Let her go and enjoy the wedding without your resentment.

Forget everything else, you and your Husband as the adults in the house made the decision to refuse the invitation. That is all that matters and there is nothing more to say. Your 12 year old needs to understand that her parents made a decision and she doesn't get to overide it.

The older daughter is related to the family, because her mother married her step father. Is the cousin’s new wife also not part of the family?

A nasty, crass and insensitive comment.

What kind of twat do you need to be to think of inviting 3 of a 4 persons household to a wedding, when the person not invited is a child 😢.
YANBU OP.

I remember your thread about making this decision not to go. You were warned then that it would lead to ill-feeling between the girls, as the 12 year old was excited about going.

You opened the invitation, the 12 year old got excited about going, then you pulled the rug from under her feet.
It seems that you have a lot of empathy for your older daughter, but little for the younger one. The same came through on your other thread, giving them impression that you favour the 15 year old in general.

Your husband refusing to accept the invitation even if the older one is added, is petulant, frankly. And causing ill feeling between everyone involved.

I think you're doing the right thing, OP. Your initial declining was because you were not invited as a full family unit, and to then change this and let one member, a child, go alone, would send a conflicting signal to your DH's family.

It might confirm to them that actually it's OK to treat the children differently, and if they do regard only "blood" as family, it may lead to more invitations to your younger DC only, even without you as parents, to ensure they see her without having to have her sister too.

I'd stand your ground, especially as she is only 12. Her upbringing will prevent her becoming the type of bitter adult others refer to.

It’s actually very important when things like this happen the family behaves as a whole unit. It creates safety for every one.

She is 12 she will forget about it, it’s all just fun and drama for her. Tbey can all go out for a meal that day and 12 year old can see her family at any time.

To the 16 year old though - it will show her that there is a clear divide in her family.

Since when were 12 year olds allowed override parental decisions. It's not her choice to make.

OP can and should stop her going though. Her sibling relationship is much more important than that with this cousin.

she’ll be over it OP. If she goes without her sister it sends a terrible message to the rest of the family.

she sounds a little bit petulant. Have you explained how cruel it is of this cousin to exclude her sister? That it’s mean behaviour etc

good luck, if have no qualms declining and insisting the youngest stays awa
y

Agree

I’m in agreement with @Getonwitit
I also agree with you OP for refusing the invitation as well.
I would be disgusted if my family treated mine like this.

That wasn't OP’s thread.

OP is this you? Because I've seen this or very similar AIBU twice at least in recent months

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5030229-to-have-phoned-dhs-nephew-twice-to-ask-why-me-daughter-and-grandchildren-arent-invited-to-his-wedding?postsby=SlothsRUs

Ask grandparents to take her.

I absolutely would not be allowing her to attend. Have you asked her how her sister might feel if she does go? How she would feel if she was the one excluded? Why she thinks her enjoying a wedding is more important than her sister’s feelings? I’d like to think this could be a really good learning opportunity for your daughter.

I have not posted about this invitation before

What? You absolutely have. I remember it very well, the ages exactly the same, the family relationships exactly the same. Every single detail (how well the cousins know each other, that you opened the invitation in front of them etc) exactly the same.

It's quite bizarre that you're denying it.

Ask your 12yo how her sister might feel about not being invited by a family member that has know about her for over 12 years and if he's only inviting family, then why as mum, are you invited, you are not blood related to them.
Also ask that if any of the family had adopted children, does she also think they shouldn't be invited?

It really irks me that the wouldn't invite your older daughter, would they if she was adopted? And if yes, how is this situation any different

Possibly this thread is you?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding