12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

I'd let her go she probably won't have as much fun without rest of you there.
Perhaps other daughter will get an invite to evening part ? Or even a round 2 or 3 invite. You can all go then.
Numbers at weddings are tricky. Best not to make a huge fuss.
3 of you have nice day out leave 12 year old with family at wedding

So will adopted relatives not be invited to things?

I don't want her to go

That’s understandable.

and more importantly I want her to not want to go.

I understand why you feel this way but you don’t have control over this. She is 12. She cannot possibly grasp all of the nuances of this situation. She is a child who doesn’t want to miss out on a party. Do not allow yourself to make her a lightning rod for your anger with your husband’s family.

Completely agree. In this instance you work as a family group.

Can she go by herself, how will she get there or get back. How did she even know it was a possibility for her to go if the family wasn't? Hard no from me were not going your not going, this was the adults decision child doesn't get a vote let alone an I'll do it anyway.

How would I know what their thought processes are?

I’d go as far as to suggest that if you do let her go it could be the beginning of “He’s my dad. Not yours. He should take me swimming, not you bike riding.” Or “Why does grandma buy sister a Christmas present when she’s not really her grandma?”

You are a family of four. Beginning and end of story.

The 12 year old should not go. I’d book a family holiday abroad to make it a treat away for you all as you will forever remember this snub and if happy memories of being away fill that space, in time, you might be able to forgive the awful behaviour of your husband’s brother/ nephew.
I know lots of people are talking about blended families and putting up with excluding your eldest, but it’s plain wrong. I completely agree with your feelings.

Which is a pretty hobby thing to say. But she’s 12, what does she know? OP is right to nip this in the bud. They’re a family, 12 year old just has to suck it up

A lot of people on this thread keep mentioning “blood” family. That’s why.

Adopted family and those who married in are not “blood”. Are they less family?

this is bollocks.

people are talking about the resentment of a 12 year old for missing a party she is very unlikely to enjoy (weddings are pretty dull if you’re young and not drinking - lots of speeches and waiting around), but what about the very real resentment of the 15 year old for being excluded by people who I bet she considers her family. She won’t just think oh it’s the cousin, she will know the people who she thinks of as her grandparents, aunts, uncles etc have excluded her.

Yes but I think you are placing far too much on a 12 year old who is still very much a child and is acting like one.

the exclusion of your eldest is awful, I would invite all 4 or just the two adults or none of you inviting 3 is just shitty and frankly I would be annoyed at being placed in this situation

however all your 12 year old sees is that she has been invited to something her eldest sister hasn’t and that makes her feel special, this reaction is perfectly normal and expected of her age range and is no reflection on her, her relationship with her sister or the way you have brought them up. 3-4 years time or perhaps being the eldest sibling and that reaction would far more likely follow what you want

it is likely to be what she wants it to be (weddings are often over hyped) and she may well learn a good lesson from going. Nothing is going to make this ok for your 15 year old - talk to her as well

It is beyond cruel to invite an entire family unit but not include your daughter. I agree that none of you should go. Book a family weekend away instead. There will be other weddings and your 12 year old will just have to get over it. She can tell her therapist all about it when she is older.

You are a family two adult two children you go to a wedding together or not at all. When your younger daughter is older, she will thank you

Let her go. She’s been invited, it’s a family wedding for her. She’s her own person and she doesn’t have to miss out to “support her sister” just because you want her to.

Her going actually solves both problems. She gets to enjoy herself and the bride and groom will be outed when everyone asks why you and DH aren’t there with her.

Oh! Is it that one? I remember that!

I'm with you OP, I grew up with step cousins and they were always treated the same as blood relatives. You've been together over 12 years (I guess that from you having a 12 year old) and your eldest still isn't seen as family! I think it's disgusting and you should be teaching the 12 year old about loyalty and about the importance of accepting step family members as equally as others.
I can't get my head round why anyone would think it's okay to exclude your older DD based on her not being a blood relative, you're not a blood relative either! I hope it's just a mistake and they forgot to put her name or something, otherwise I would be cutting them out of my life completely. I could understand it if you were either a new couple or no longer together but after all that time living as a family there's no way they should exclude older DD.

Your 12 year old won’t fully understand the complications yet. She shouldn’t go. Your elder daughter is family blood or no blood.
I can’t believe the ignorance of some people.

I think it's mean of your 12yr old. Soon enough there will be some drama in her life and she will expect unconditional loyalty from her sister. Hope she enjoys the karma

Omg. All u people saying that its OK to not invite her child are not getting it. EVERYONE has been invited EXCEPT her child. So she and her husband should just leave her out? Get real. How would any of u feel if YOUR child was left out for any reason. And they have obviously been together a long time if one daughter is 15 and the other is 12

How can a 12 year old go if her parents are not going? How silly will that look.

What is wrong with you that you think it’s acceptable to talk about a twelve-year-old in this way?

Dear god. What adult invites one child in a family of 4, and not the other. Total dick move.

I do not understand the people saying this is ok. Or that your 12 year old should go without the rest of the family.

Obviously the sensible thing to do now would be do a nice family day out/ get away instead.

I didn’t much like my late father in law. However I was eternally grateful when he put bitchy sister in law in her place. I came into the relationship with a two year old. Sil corrected him when he said he had 5 grandchildren (including mine). “I have 5 grandchildren.” he firmly said.

This. There are some insane comments on here. This is not about all adults, it is about a child being left out.

She is 12 she will forget about it, it’s all just fun and drama for her.

At 12yo I wouldn't guarantee that she'll forget about it.

I still remember the time when I was 4yo and dm wouldn't let me go to collect these beautiful little baskets that the greengrocer was offering us (for free) because dsis (aged 7yo) wouldn't go too, so I would have had one and she didn't. Dsis wanted the basket too, but didn't want to get out of the car. I even offered to get Dsis' one when I went.
I still think dm was wrong.
It was literally 5m along the pavement to his little window. I think she was trying to encourage dsis to be a little more confident in doing things like that, but I still think when it became clear dsis wasn't going she should have let me.
No I don't bear a grudge at all, genuinely, but I do remember it.

12yo is just the age when they're seeing themselves as separate to their family, and resenting the family holding them back. If someone's willing to take responsibility for her, then she's easily old enough to go, especially if there are other cousins her age. I doubt she has any thought that her 30yo cousin will be hanging out with her.

People saying if they go then dd15 will resent dd12 don't seem to think dd12 will resent dd15 if she doesn't? I'd say both are possible, but I would have though dd15 might resent the family for not asking her, but shouldn't resent dd12 because it's not her fault.
However dd12 is aware that the reason she isn't going is dd15, therefore could resent her.

It seems that the expectation is that the 12yo is mature enough to feel she shouldn't go because the 15yo isn't invited, but the 15yo isn't mature enough to see that it isn't the 12yo's fault.