12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

You’re right about one thing, I can’t argue with what you’ve said- but only because you are consistently ignoring the information in the thread.

If you THINK she moaned to relatives you either know more than we do, or you are deciding she probably did. You keep ignoring the fact that her daughter opened the invite, so already knew.

I can debate the facts known and the ethics surrounding them, but I can’t debate what you FEEL happened.

Lol, nope, maybe you're in a fever dream. I read a comment that stated specifically that the mother had moaned to relatives and that's why they knew why they weren't going.

I'm embarrassed for you. Dont mistake that for anger though 😅😏

Read the OP’s posts. The MIL may have moaned to relatives. The OP only explained to her MIL after she was asked.

Yes, exactly. She should have kept her trap shut. Just as I said,

"Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law."

Imagine making people feel rotten about a wedding. Thoroughly selfish behaviour.

This is precisely what I was referencing, had to go back and read it again as there has been a lot of nonsense on this forum and I only skim read most of it.

Let her go, you and dh should too. Its difficult with step relatives and I've experienced similar but you really can't expect them to be invited to 'blood' relatives weddings.

You really think that op, her dh and the 12y should just go and leave the 15y child at home for the day/evening? On her own, whilst her family party with the rest of their blood and non-blood relations? Don't forget there will be other non-blood relatives invited - the op is one of them.

I would assume so, the fact that probably the daughter lives with her mum and step dad, who have been together at least 12 years probably more! I would guess the nephew/cousin has met her many times.

My interpretation of ‘moaning to relatives’ is not declining without comment but telling the truth when asked.

You've done a wonderful job of convincing me that you are not the Bride. I now realise you are just a Very Cross Person On The Internet.

Enjoy the sunshine ;-)

Has anyone ever told you that you come across as petulant and infantile when you get it wrong and embarrass yourself? 😂

Anyway, I have said my piece, so will leave with this (unless anyone else quotes me and I see the notification as I do tend to respond to them if I see them).

I feel sorry for these kids. The 12 year old because she has had a family experience taken away from her for no reason. The 15 year old because it should have been simply explained to her that this happens ALL THE TIME with weddings and is absolutely no big deal instead of being made to feel excluded.

This is life. We don't always get invited. And that's that. How we handle it is what matters. The mother has handled it very badly.

Mum or dad should have taken 15 out for the day while 12 went to the wedding. with the other parent.

That would have been the perfect solution all round.

But, it's not to be, and I have said all I have to say.

The fact your eldest has been in their lives for most of hers, and not just a ‘EOW with parent’ situation, makes the bride and groom bang out of order for inviting 3 out of 4 of you and excluding her. I totally get you and your husband not going. However, I think I would probably let the younger child go, as long as another family member going was willing to supervise her.

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️whatever they decide is obviously up to them. They’l be the ones living the consequences, (whatever they may be) either way, not us.

FWIW I believe OP said her DH changed his mind and thinks she should go.

Wedding invite lists are tricky things. So It is ALWAYS best not to take offence, and to teach your children not to take offence, and not to measure relationship worth by invites.

Instead, you have built this up into a big thing and emphasised the rejection. You are teaching them how to develop passive aggressive silent family feuds. This could come back to bite you.

Your nephew has made a mistake, things do get messed up when organising a big event. He’s young and has a thousand things to organise.

Instead of declining without saying why, your husband should have talked to him, explained that you can only attend as a family, and given him the choice to amend the invite or not have you there.

As you have spent time being silent it’s harder to retrieve the situation, but you should do it because you are adults. It isn’t worth burning up family relationships over an invite.

I’m in the same boat as you OP. They leave one family member out, none of us would be there. I’d see the point if there was four step kids in the blended family but how any human can leave one single member of a family out is beyond me. I’d also not let the 12yo go, you are NOT being unreasonable, every one has different morals and ethics and what you install in your children now will teach them for the future. Van you imagine how your 15yo would feel seeing the three of you all dressed up ready for a family occasion and how this would hurt - f@!k that! Some might say it’ll teach resilience but I say there’s better ways to teach resilience.

don’t go and dont let your 12yo daughter go either - she is 12, it’s not her choice, they should be embarrassed and I hope that it bites them in the arse and the same happens to their kids 15 years down the line!

This is ridiculous advice. The nephew was so busy he “forgot” to include a member of OP’s family?

And if you read the OP more carefully OP was not silent - she told SIL why they weren’t going. But nephew chose not to rectify the situation.

OP is teaching her kids an important lesson in loyalty and standing by your values.

She's 12. Presumably her 'decision' is something that would affect the whole family who aren't going since she's unlikely to be able to afford her own clothes, transport, gift and would need some sort of supervision.

Yes, I reckon the bride or a (blood!) relative of the groom is on this thread. Rather embarrassing for them but maybe they'll have more common decency in future.

Enjoy your family day out, OP!

Love, someone who is not related to her dad but is absolutely 150% his daughter x

It really isn't normal, unless you're a particularly unpleasant individual. Which it's now clear you are so that explains it.

Yeah, fantastic that an innocent 12 year old is being gaslit and alienated from her family to give you some Internet entertainment.

I think you're absolutely right not to attend the wedding or allow your 12 year old to go. At the end of the day you are a family of 4 regardless of whether BIL is related by blood to your eldest DD, she has been in your husband's life since she was 2 years old. Would he still have the same opinion if for example you had an adopted child who was also not genetically related? I find it bizarre. I have a daughter with my DW (same sex relationship) , I carried my daughter but she is genetically related to my wife not me. I would be furious if a member of my family did not invite her to a wedding because she doesn't share their DNA. Stick to your guns. You're BIL is being unreasonable, and your DH is right to be angry with him.

I find this so mean your eldest has been brought up by your husband he has provided for her and been a father figure therefore she should be treated as a member of the family.
Would she be left out of a Christmas get together or a birthday hopefully no so why is a wedding any different she's part of your family and is being left out as a parent that hurts.
I wouldn't go but I'd let the 12yr old go whilst making it very clear that you're disappointed that she can't stand by her family that are there for her daily.
I'd take the eldest out on a fantastic day out to a theme park with a friend of hers somewhere where the youngest would love to go.

You can see how normal it indeed is just based on the number of threads about the issue, and how often they appear.

I’m sure everyone that thinks differently to you is aghast at the prospect of being considered ‘particularly unpleasant’. Or not.

It matters not whether people are 'aghast' or not. I have never heard anything like this in my life, and I know plenty of step-children. Treating them as second class citizens is not normal. Mumsnet doesn't = normality. Hope this helps.

If that's how you'd treat a 12 year old, you've a lonely future ahead.

This is arrant nonsense. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

Really, if people blow up minor issues like this to such a disproportionate degree then it's no wonder so many insurmountable family estrangements are reported on this site.

That's if the posts are genuine, of course.

In my observation this is (usually) wrong. Mumsnet often has a good head on its shoulders and gives a lot of sage advice.

When it comes to wedding threads, the place seems to go collectively batshit. I don't know what it is about weddings that causes usually perfectly normal, sensible people to lose their minds. But I've seen it happen often, both on and off the www.

There's a Ph.D. in there for someone, I guess ...

Well yes, same way it matters not that you consider them particularly unpleasant.

You not hearing about something doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I personally don’t know any stepfamily that attempts to emulate the ‘nuclear family’/‘treat them as your own’ model, but that clearly doesn’t mean those families don’t exist.