12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Sorry I wouldn't. This is a case of no man left behind. It's all or none and she needs to learn that.

Absolute tripe.

The husband has raised this child as his own. He declined because his child wasn’t invited. Nobody -absolutely nobody- gets to tell a man (or woman) that their child is being excluded because he/she isn’t their biological child. Imagine the sense of entitlement a person must have in thinking that this would ever be ok?

What would you say to the 15 year old? Mum dad and younger sis are going X’s wedding but you can’t go because X hadn’t invited you because dad isn’t your biological dad so therefore you don’t share any DNA with them- sorry. We will tell you all about it and show you the photos when we get home. I’m sure X and co will be happy to do the same next time we see them at a family get together that you may or may not be invited to because of the above reasons. Cheerio!

bullsh!t

It absolutely does make sense. The trouble is a 12 yr old won’t necessarily think like this. I’m not sure what I would do about letting her go, I probably would let her go and you and dh take your other daughter out for the day.

i cannot understand all the responses saying you are wrong or it’s ok not to have invited your eldest. If your eldest lived half the time with bio dad and half with you I could maybe understand but that is not the case. One of my cousins is married and they have an older boy that he’s not bio father of and a younger daughter that he is. He and his wife have been together since the boy was very young, around 2 or 3 I think. The older boy is treated exactly the same as his half sister by every member of the family. He’s been part of the family longer than she has as he’s 6 yrs older. It’s bloody outrageous that your eldest hasn’t been invited. I’m a big believer in the bride and groom doing what they want for their wedding but not when it means excluding one child from a family. It’s disgusting.

Projecting not protecting and otherwise not other. Auto correct.

Everything I said was correct.

It could have been a good time for the other kid to learn you don't always get an invite, and that's no big deal, and that people can invite you or not for any reason or none.

She should have shut her trap or made light of it, because it's just no big deal, instead of pitting her kids against each other and making both feel terrible for literally no reason.

The mother made the mess, now she's having to deal with it.

I’m not going to respond again so as not to derail the thread but I think it’s clear for all to see that the rage isn’t coming from me. Your bile towards op, a stranger on the internet you know nothing about, is rather worrying.

Im not sure if this is your normal posting style but your responses are very, very odd.

Great, looking forward to your silence :) Try not be so triggered and behave in a more adult fashion in future :)

Oh, and look up classic projection. You're exhibiting it.

Well this thread took a detour... in the meanwhile hopefully the OP and her family have planned things to do as the solid family unit they are. They don't need a negative nephew in their lives!
(Swingthemonkey - are you the bride???)

Eh, considering I’ve been firmly on the side of OP throughout the thread. No.

Isn’t her mum a parent in 15 year olds family….

Get a grip. Lots of people on here think it’s ok for just the 12 year old to go.

The invitation was opened when mum wasn’t around and the girls saw. It’s in the OP’s posts.

OP and DH have two daughters and consider themselves to be a nuclear family. They were both shocked and upset that one of their children was excluded from the invite.

The upset isn’t about the invite. It is about their eldest daughter not being treated as family.

I meant strangewomaninponds are you the bride not swingthemonkey! Doh!

children of divorced families are the centre of a Venn diagram. Each circle has a complete and separate family and only the child(ren) of the original two parents sit within each family.

I understand the reasons why the mum thinks her other daughter is entitled to be invited. But the truth is, she's not.

It might not be nice, but people can invite or not invite anybody to their wedding they want - for any reason, or none.

Mum could have chosen to keep silent and just say they couldn't go. Instead, she has embroiled her two daughters in a drama and pitted one against the other. She has caused her not invited daughter to feel sad and excluded. There was no need for any of this. It's just a wedding invite.

It's enormously entitled to think people owe you or your family an invitation no matter what the situation.

She should have remained silent on the topic and not dragged her kids into adult disagreements. But she was outraged and wanted validation.

It's too late now, I can't see how she can fix this tbh. Neither of these girls will forget this silly nonsense for a very long time.

I’ve been following the thread and wondered the same.

Not because I’m not ‘a basically honest person’ but because you seem quite angry towards the OP, disproportionately so for a mumsnet post.

OP told us the DD 15 opened the invite. The cat was out of the bag, she already knew. She also told us she declined with no reason until asked by MIL. Her daughters would have understood a wedding was happening and they weren’t attending. Your response suggests she has made a big fuss when that hasn’t happened, unless you have additional information that those on the thread don’t know- which led me to believe you may be involved and know more.

Lol. No, I really don't seem angry, and definitely not disproportionately. This is, again, projection.

I have been unsympathetic and blunt, and that's all. It's so bizarre you think that straight talk is angry - you must live an incredibly sheltered life, or just be a total wimp. Trust me if I was angry you would be in NO doubt at all.

I just don't suffer fools gladly, or beat around the bush with them.

You, however, are resorting to Grimm's Fairytales because you can't argue with what I've said 😅

Projection really is a thing. You are triggered by the situation for whatever reason, and are now enraged with me because you can't pick holes in my points.

You are the OP and I claim my 5 quid! 😆😃😂

So, once again for the cheap seats at the back - mum should have kept her trap shut. She moaned about it to relatives and has made her kids feel bad, and now is living with the drama she created.

For what seems like the five thousandth time - NOBODY has a right to be invited to a wedding. Ever. No matter what the circumstances.

The 12 year old should have been able to attend her family wedding. The 15 year old should have been taken out somewhere nice.

End.

Great that the OP and her husband decided many, many, many posts ago that the whole family would decline the invitation. And there's nothing the "she's not REAL family" brigade can do about it.