12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

You'll never understand the irony of your opening sentence in the context of this thread.

what an unpleasant thing to say. It is a total misrepresentation of the situation. I don’t even know how you’ve managed to offload blame onto the OP; you have created an entirely fictional situation not based in the opening post.

Do you routinely exclude children from family events yourself? Is this why you are so invested in the groom not doing anything wrong?

Well the 12 year old is now going to the wedding, my husband has said that she is entitled to go if she wants to. She will go with her 84 year old grandmother and her uncle and share a room with cousins who are 13 and 15. She has then been asked to accompany her gran to her cousins' house 90 miles away for a few days. So she gets a holiday without her sister as well.

I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts.

While upset and angered my husband has always been of the view that while he won't go he felt she could go if she wanted to.

I have never posted about this before or on mumsnet ever! The scenarios in the other posts highlighted are nothing like my situation.

I was out when the invitation arrived and my husband opened it in front of both kids however, there would be no way of hiding this wedding from either of my kids, husband's family is close.

I said that we had met fiancee of nephew five times however, we see nephew a lot. The family are always dropping into MiL's since FiL died three years ago.

We declined the wedding without explanation but when groom's mother rang I told her the truth as I did to my MiL.

12 year old told her grandmother what was going down and MiL begged husband to let her go.

On Wednesday nephew rang husband and owned responsibility for not getting involved with wedding planning saying that his fiancee did not and I quote know what "your setup" was and suggested that we could all come in the evening. There wasn't any real apology however. Last night husband went out with two brothers one of whom is the groom's dad. He was apparently embarrassed about everything and blamed the new daughter-in-law. Again both begged him to let 12 year old go for their mother's sake.

15 year old is beyond upset about not being included in the invitation but doesn't want to see MiL again as she is embarrassed and said that sister may as well go as they are her family not the 15 year old's. This is the first time I have heard her say this.

Husband feels that not going to weddings at that age would get in the way of get togethers etc and thinks that 12 year old might need them in the future. He points out that only nephew is a prat about it, the other fifty or so would probably have invited her. The cousin getting married is the eldest and my 12 year old the youngest with 10 others in between.

12 year old felt that if she didn't go then the others might not invite her to anything else. She feels that she has a full sister while accepting that her family don't have to see this. She says she would support her sister if she needed anything but thinks she and I are being illogical.

I was shocked that the vote was so close with 2% more thinking I was unreasonable.

I don't want anyone saying this is a LTB situation, it isn't, I think him not going is proof of that.

I wanted to say one more thing, both of my girls have been to weddings before, so it was just about this family wedding, they weren't upset just because it was a free party.

You do seem angry and your language towards the OP is rude verging on abusive.

Is ‘keep your trap shut’ a normal thing for you to say? It is t something I would hear in my social circles.

So just an evening invite eh?

I’d go NC with the lot of them. DH can take 12yo to see them in future if he wants, I’d be bowing out.

12 year old told her grandmother what was going down and MiL begged husband to let her go.

What a two-faced cow MIL is. I thought she was embarrassed that 15yo wasn’t invited? That didn’t last long, did it?

It's a shame you feel so sick about it.

However your 12 yo definitely needs to be part of the celebrations, it's an investment in her future with her family.

Nephew and bride sound clueless. But they are only 1 in 10. I hope the other cousins are more human.

Mum didn’t embroil the daughters in anything. She was the last to know. The invitation was opened by DH and the two children while mum was out.

She had no chance to decline the invitation without the girls finding out. They knew before she did.

Once again…

The girls were there when the invitation was opened. It has nothing to do with mum keeping silent about anything. They saw it with their own eyes.

In my family it’s normal to just have one cousin from each family invited as theres no way entire families could come affordability wise. However, if she’s the only one left out it does seem like in the spirit of it all she should have been invited. So I understand you not wanting to go.
however - what I don’t understand is why you’re placing so much on your youngest - she’s 12. You want her to have a grown up response to this. She’s a child going through a huge transition into puberty, and at this age we can all be a bit selfish and not see the picture - because we are children. You are the adult - she is the child. Start acting like it!!
also - Am I the only person who feels sorry for the bride? Wedding planning is stressful and now she’s got all this drama going down which she never envisaged. I doubt any offence was meant - a quick phone call could have sorted things out instead of created a huge drama. But that sounds like something a sensible person would do.

Because the 15yr old is probably more upset that they have been singled out as not being part of the family not the fact that she likes weddings and is missing out.

What a shit show of a family. Nor sure how the 12 year old will benefit from such a cruel and heartless lot. Although she doesn't seem very loyal herself. Why have relatives blamed the bride? Surely the nephew had a say in invites, and why didn't people have a word once they found out. Mil, bil and nephew??? Shocking behaviour towards a 15 year old girl who has been in the family since a toddler.

Telling the truth isn’t moaning. She was asked a question and gave an honest answer.

No reason for the bride to feel rotten unless she knew excluding the eldest daughter was a dick move.

But this stepchild lives with them permanently and he's been a dad to her for 13yrs she's not a weekend visit child.he's her father not biologically but in every other sense and that makes her his daughter he's offended on her behalf as he sees them as both his daughters and one is being intentionally left out

Where are you and your daughter going on holiday? I hope you have the best time. I’d happily to donate to that fund. Make it longer for the time your daughter is at the wedding as well. Give your husband and daughter a taste of what life without you both looks like, and how it feels when others don’t think about your feelings.

So OP should hang the threat of abandonment over her daughter’s head because she’s dared to have a different opinion?

Also, it’s the 12 year old going on holiday.

No I’m suggesting the 15 year old and her mum book a special trip away for just the two of them while her husband and other daughter are off on their jolly. If the younger daughter is happy enough to be cared for by grandparents etc, I’m sure she’ll be fine being looked after by her dad for a few extra days

I still think it’s a rum do. I feel bad for you and your daughter. Outsiders forcing differences on your children is very poor form.

The husband isn’t going, it seems.

I’m not sure why OP should display favouritism towards her eldest in order to punish her youngest for having a different perspective to her.

Its quite scary the nastiness some posters are cooking up to be nasty to the 12 yo, rather than just 'you and 15yo go away too for some nice time' it's the "do it to show them what life will be like with out you" bloody hell.

Nephew and bride sound clueless. But they are only 1 in 10. I hope the other cousins are more human.

Yes, it's possible that some good will come out of this sorry situation. Hopefully, the other cousins will learn from this and not repeat this hurtful action.

Thanks for coming back to the thread, OP. I really feel for you and your family, especially the 15 year-old. I hope that there can be some measure of healing as you all go forward from this.

Glad sense has prevailed and the 12 year old has been allowed to attended a family occasion.

Nonsense. Who would want to ‘invest’ in family who behave like this anyway.

Good grief. No wonder some people grow up dysfunctional when this is how they choose to deal with their problems. The 12 year old is a child. I can’t believe so many people are putting the expectation of a grown adults response on her.

It’s not favouritism to make sure your other child has an equally nice time though is it, it’s fairness.

So the older child and mother should sit at home while being excluded from a wedding and while the younger child has a little holiday? Is that your suggestion?