12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

To make the oldest have an equally nice time, or to rub it in the face of the youngest as a punishment?

Either way, of course it is. They’re both OP’s daughters and as such she has a responsibility to treat them equally.

Indeed one is a since sister is away why don’t we have a girly day out. The other is a well since she doesn’t want to be with us what can we do to make her regret her choices.

I really feel for you in this situation OP. I can’t imagine doing invitations for a wedding and thinking it was acceptable to invite a 3 members of family of 4 and leaving out a child. Irrespective of whether she is a ‘blood relative’ or not your oldest DD is part of your and your husbands family and should be treated equally. It would be different if she was a lot older and didn’t live with you but for the situation as you describe it I think it is disgusting of them to invite one but not the other and I really feel for your eldest to be excluded like this. I don’t care what people might say about how much weddings cost, she’s a child at the end of the day and should not be made to feel any less worthy than her sister, you either invite both or neither. How does MIL and the rest of your husbands family treat her in general?

Your child is attending a family event. You have not "been kicked in the guts" there's no need for this level of drama.

I'm gutted for you and your daughter OP, they've just been so needlessly rotten.

I would never have done that to my sister at 12. A sister is so much more valuable than random uncles and aunts - particularly ones who have no idea how to behave.

It’s not a punishment for other people to be treated equally to you though is it. It’s a natural consequence that if you choose to put your sibling in a situation where they feel excluded and upset, it’s only fair that someone does something to make them feel better while you’re away having fun.

Not about the wedding.

The feelings are about the fracture this has caused in their family unit. Already both girls are talking about who’s part of the extended family differently. 12yo has said they’re her family not DSis which is new. In another first the 15yo has said that they are not her family.

This has fundamentally changed the dynamic in their nuclear family and the extended family.

Yes. OP is expressing the 15 year old’s pain.

It’s not treating her equally, that’s the point. If it was OP offering both things to her daughters then that would be one thing, but offering one thing only to one daughter because her youngest was being offered something by other family members is another.

The youngest hasn’t made her sister feel anything, and she isn’t responsible for this situation. She shouldn’t have to miss occasions with her family because her sister isn’t invited.

I think this is the right decision.

It's part and parcel of what happens in families when couples split and find new love after having children. It doesn't have to be such a drama.

It's lovely that within your nuclear family of 4 you have such strong and loving bonds between all members with no talk of half-sister or stepdaughter rather than sister and daughter. It's therefore quite right for you & DH not to go.

Your upset is because you cannot force the rest of the wider family to be equally accepting. That is something you just have to live with. You cannot control other people's feelings and relationships. Included in this, you can't make your DD12's relationship with her cousins conditional on them accepting DD15 as if she was a blood relative. You do not have the right to that level of control.

It sounds like the bride was given a list of aunts, uncles, and ten cousins who she then invited. She's not going to know DD1 doesn't have any other family if no one tells her.

It doesn't have to be such a drama.

No you’re right it doesn’t.

Any intelligent, humane person would invite the family and not discriminate between children. OP isn’t a blood relative either yet she is invited!

I doubt anyone would think this was acceptable if the rationale was adoption or disability or SEN. I don’t see that the accident of the 15 year old’s birth is any justification to cause this kind of division and pain.

Oh PLEASE take her on holiday!!!

I think both children having what is classed as a little holiday is treating them equally. And at 12 I think she is more than old enough to understand that her choice to attend something her sibling is excluded from is causing her sibling pain and has likely made her sister feel a lot worse, as now she’s not just being excluded by her wider family, but by her sibling as well.

Your poor 15 year old Mil doesn't care enough about her to bed the groom to add her. But is happy to beg you to take the 12 year old. I and my 15 would be done with the lot if them.

But if I was in your position my 12 year old would not be going end of discussion.
She is a child and doesn't understand the repercussions.
I would rather be the bad guy the 12 year old blames and hates for not being allowed to go. Than allowing her to go and forever letting the 15 year old hold the pain and resentment against her sister of not being supported.
This is a resentment that can be a long standing one between the girls. Really sad

It's a large family and it would appear it's only the cousin and his bride who are responsible for the shitty situation. You can't write off a whole family because of one+bride

I don't think the eldest should have been excluded, you are as much as a family as mine is with both my kids having the same parents. My eldest was 2 when his brother was born so probably a similar age to your eldest, he knows no different to his family now with me, his brother and his dad. If my husband wasn't his real dad I can't imagine it making any difference, once you agree to raise someone else's child when their father isn't in the picture then by all intents and purpose that could becomes yours and as such a part of your family.

If it were a recently blended situation with his kids and your kids I would think fair enough invite just the husbands kids.

I don't think your youngest should have gone but the decision has been made and it's done with. I have to admit I wouldn't be all rainbows and flowers with the husband for letting her go but how you deal with it is up to you. The 12 year old just wants to go to a party, it could be her full sibling not invited and it wouldn't make any difference because kids and teenagers are selfish and haven't yet learned to put others feelings into the equation.

All in all it's a terrible situation that has now put strain on your family and could have all been avoided if they either invited both kids or none. To me if you are inviting my family to a celebration you invited both my kids or none. I can't imagine anybody thinking it would be OK to leave one out and I think the same applies to your family but evidently not in some people's eyes.

I hope it will all just be brushed under the carpet but I would hope it's not the start of things to come.

Inviting one daughter and not the other is outrageous behaviour and if I'd never be giving nephew or SIL the time of day again. The 12 year old just wants to go to a wedding, she's a child. She doesn't understand the politics. Don't let it come between your own family but I don't think I could bring myself to ever interact with the nephew and SIL from now on.

Well, she knows now. But has taken no action to rectify the situation, other than the offer (via her groom) of an invitation to the evening do.

She’s not. What a weird idea. They family still be relations regardless of the wedding shenanigans.

Again, it isn’t treating them equally. What you are suggesting is OP treats only one daughter when she has two. That the youngest is being treated by someone else is irrelevant, it’s about how OP treats them.

The youngest isn’t responsible for her sister and she shouldn’t be made to feel like she is. She’s a person with thoughts and wishes in her own right, and she doesn’t owe her sister compensation because she wanted to attend an event with her family. It isn’t her fault she’s part of a blended family, and it isn’t her fault her sister hasn’t been invited.

Why does she have to rectify this? Her fiance caused this mess. He can sort it.

I was responding to a post suggesting that the issue was a result of the bride not knowing about the other daughter. She knows now. And yes it is up to her and the groom to rectify it if they wish. They obviously don't wish.

I'd tell the 12 to pipe down, this is a.familyndecisoon made by you and DH. When she is 18 she gets to decide foe herself.