Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

[andthatsaswan]

My DD is 25, last summer (age 24!) she married a man 20 years older than her. I’ll be honest the relationship has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been supportive for DDs sake. This man is well off, tbh I’m not sure how to measure how well off he is, DD has never given me a figure, but very comfortable, he works in finance, in a C-Suite role and has a good chunk of inheritance from his family behind him. He is nice enough, he worships DD and I do believe he’d never want to see her come to harm.

DD is 16 weeks pregnant, they currently live in a flat in west London, DD is working in a prep school as a teacher (entirely by choice rather than need, part-time with small class sizes), they are mortgage free.

I had dinner with DD last night and she told me the plan is to buy somewhere rural, a large house in either Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey. Sell the current flat and get a smaller 1 bed in London. Then her partner will stay in the flat Monday night - Thursday morning, he works from home Monday and Friday so he could come home for that. She won’t work at all.
Now this seems like a terrible idea to me! The house she showed me is up for 2 mil!!! Now I don’t know if any of that will be mortgage or not but I somewhat doubt it. Surely with the 2 million + a 1 bed flat they could find something in London that would mean he was home every night.
When DD was showing the house it sounded like she was planning at least 1 if not 2 more children and I just worry about her being out in the middle of nowhere with the baby/children alone while he is living his best life. It feels very unequal and as though he’s not really prepared to give up his freedom for his family.

AIBU to be worried about this and think it’s an awful idea? Should I try talk DD out of it?

It's her life.

It wouldn't suit me, but she's an adult and it's a choice many women like.

Let her make her own choices.

Do you think she’d even listen?
they’re married so she has legal and financial protection

Fifty years ago when I was a lovely young woman, that would have been considered success!

When dd settles in her new home, gently suggests she takes up a part time teaching or other role, even if she needs to employ a nanny. It will keep her employment record up to date, in case the marriage goes tits up. Otherwise, look forward to visiting. It's great when your dd is doing very well. I know.

Well, it wouldn’t be my idea of fun but presumably it is hers. She’s an adult. She’s married to him at least. Just be there if it goes tits up op.

She is married, so at least she will have a share of his assets in return for giving up her career and financial independence to have a family.. that is something.

You could talk to her about keeping some financial independence by paying into her own pension and perhaps having personal savings?

But.. she is an adult... these are her decisions..

Many women I know live like this.

sometimes when I’m stretched too thin and taking a red eye from one country to the next whilst wondering about how to keep everything going I think it must be marvellous!

it’s not necessarily a recipe for disaster, she’s married, has security and unless something is missing from your post is not unhappy?

I’d never want to live like that, they should buy a house that is a reasonable commute to London and he goes in those 3 days. She needs to think about her own life especially when she has the baby, does she have friends already, where would she meet new people, not be totally car dependent etc. but she’s an adult so her decision.

What does she want? Does she want to live in the country?
I'm a city girl, I'd hate to live rural. But, it might be a dream of hers. If it isn't, has she considered what it might be like? Does she like city living now?
Has she just been seduced by a massive house, without considering the realities of day to day life?
When she was younger, did she ever express what her dreams were? Did she say she wanted kids and to marry young, and live in a big house?
Maybe this has all been her lifelong dream and she's now living her best life.
Either way she is in adult and married. So there's only so much you can do. If you think she would really hate living in taht house, all you can do is try to explain the realities of that life.

It's not fair for one parent to work and one to mainly look afte the children? They're both doing what they want, sounds fair to me.

No, do not try to talk your adult daughter out of the life she wants.

She’s married so has some protection and as long as she’s happy with it which she sounds then there is no issue.

Just because it’s not a life you would want doesn’t me it’s not what they want.

Sounds absolutely perfect to me. I’d love this. Maybe your daughter is the same.

She is already unequal when she married a man significantly older and richer than she is, I'm assuming this is the life she wants .babies and a rural life isn't that the upper middle class dream? I'm not belittling her but this might be what she wants and has the capacity to return to work If she wants.

Plenty of women are happy to turn a blind eye to a partner’s infidelity when he lives or works away in return for financial security and a nice house. It might not be what you’d choose, but don’t assume she isn’t eyes open that this is the deal. She’s no doubt fully aware that a man almost twice her age isn’t the best she could do - but his money makes him very attractive.

Virtually the whole of my 24 year (so far) marriage was spent like this, without the wealth, unfortunately! It was perfect. She’s bloody lucky to have fallen on her feet so spectacularly.

Her life her choice. As long as she wants to move to the countryside. I would gently suggest to her that it's a good idea to get a personal pension in her own name though.

Working away during the week is very common in many industries

I meant to say they might get a nanny so she isn't by herself.

It really isn't your business, I'm afraid. You seem to have done a good job of not being openly critical, or else she wouldn't be sharing their plans so freely. Keep that up, listen to her, but don't give advice. I don't actually see the problem with this prospective arrangement, it clearly works for them. As others have said, they are married so she has protection: I would feel differently if she had got pregnant without that. Not every woman aspires to be a C-suite executive and to run a boardroom. I don't myself. Some of us prefer a more traditionally feminine role in life and that is fine.

Sounds like my idea of bliss. I love my current dp an awful lot and I'm not sure I'd like to be away from him that much, we're quite close and do alot together. But alot of couples are far more independent and wouldn't think twice about three nights apart. I wouldnt have with my ex husband, it would have been perfect. The house sounds amazing and like she can build herself a great life there.

I would think it might be a better life for any grand children, to have a time rich mother, better schools, away from the crimes and dangers of big city living, actually able to play out in safety surrounded by nature.

I would only want that the journey to visit them often and vice verse is fairly straightforward and affordable.

You might enjoy visiting them in their new rural idyll!

Try to make a friend out of your son in law to help keep your daughter close to you and oil those wheels nicely and frequently.

If she's getting what she wants- nice house, kids, fianance then whats the issue? I suggest she make sure she's protected legally.

This ia a very normal set up for families in my industry (sounds similar)

Tbh, the person working in the city, for example is out of the house before breakfast, and not back until after dinner anyway, so it doesn’t make much material difference, and people like the space, lifestyle and schools for the children.

I agree with this post, except that I don't think she is 'unequal'. She brings her youth and fertility to the table, he brings his wealth and maturity. It is only very, very recently that this was seen as anything other than completely normal.

The thing is, if it doesn't work out they can simply changes things. They're in a financially comfortable position which gives them a lot of flexibility. If your DD's not happy they can look at other options.

Berks Bucks and Surrey is hardly the middle of nowhere though!

Their life their choice. They sound as thogh they can afford childcare should she want to work. And she is in prime commuter belt and will be able to meet and socialise with other people with similar incomes etc.

Well she is because they are married