Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

[andthatsaswan]

My DD is 25, last summer (age 24!) she married a man 20 years older than her. I’ll be honest the relationship has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been supportive for DDs sake. This man is well off, tbh I’m not sure how to measure how well off he is, DD has never given me a figure, but very comfortable, he works in finance, in a C-Suite role and has a good chunk of inheritance from his family behind him. He is nice enough, he worships DD and I do believe he’d never want to see her come to harm.

DD is 16 weeks pregnant, they currently live in a flat in west London, DD is working in a prep school as a teacher (entirely by choice rather than need, part-time with small class sizes), they are mortgage free.

I had dinner with DD last night and she told me the plan is to buy somewhere rural, a large house in either Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey. Sell the current flat and get a smaller 1 bed in London. Then her partner will stay in the flat Monday night - Thursday morning, he works from home Monday and Friday so he could come home for that. She won’t work at all.
Now this seems like a terrible idea to me! The house she showed me is up for 2 mil!!! Now I don’t know if any of that will be mortgage or not but I somewhat doubt it. Surely with the 2 million + a 1 bed flat they could find something in London that would mean he was home every night.
When DD was showing the house it sounded like she was planning at least 1 if not 2 more children and I just worry about her being out in the middle of nowhere with the baby/children alone while he is living his best life. It feels very unequal and as though he’s not really prepared to give up his freedom for his family.

AIBU to be worried about this and think it’s an awful idea? Should I try talk DD out of it?

The downside will be the ageing husband

She could end up as a very wealthy, very merry widow.

I’ve just read Til Death Do us Part by Daniel Hurst and your post sounds like the plot to that book!

Rural villages are often heaving with activity, and once her chidlren get to pre-school age she will find herself locked into a social group. She can work remotely from home if she wants.

I don't think her OH will be leading his "best life" - he will be the one bringing home the bacon.

I am not sure what your worry is. Bringing up a family in a lovely home with no financial worries sounds OK to me.

It sounds as though you think this guy is a good'un, so it is their decision to make.

I don't like the "man with big job" and SAHM model. I think it makes women vulnerable financially (yes, even if they're married), and seems like a step back to the past

But, I also think that you can't tell people what to do

Tricky situation for you

I would be concerned too. We see lots of posts on this site where women have made themselves dependent on a man and when things go wrong they are stuck or destitute. I would support her because no matter what, she needs to feel that she can come to you. But I'd say to her that as she becomes a mother and gives up work she has a responsibility to not just hope for the best but also plan for the worst. Can she still take care of her family if the worst happens? Has she set up a pension that he pays into? Does he have good life and serious illness cover? Does she have a car that she owns outright in her own name? Money paid into her own separate bank account? Is he transparent on all his earnings and assets and she is a joint money decision maker? I disagree that marriage gives her sufficient protection legally - if everything is mortgaged or the money is managed badly and they divorce down the line with 50:50 custody she is starting again with nothing. Marriage doesn't give protection if he gets injured and has a break down and can no longer earn the good money, if he has addiction problems, is abusive etc.

And he doesn't have a previous family ? A man in his mid forties with a very young woman

Clearly she's not that career driven 🤷‍♀️ (which is fine) and she'll be really wealthy when he's dead and she's 50

He at a senior level in finance in the city. He’ll be working 12 hr days so wouldn’t actually see them those days regardless. I would prefer DH worked away and I knew he wouldn’t be around so I prepped for those days rather than him being late home constantly.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to give up work. However, assuming she can drive she’s not going to be stuck in the middle of nowhere. Looking at Surrey/Berks/Bucks there will be networks of SAHM with husbands working big jobs in the city and there will be tonnes of play groups and activities. She’s legally protected in the event of a divorce. If money is no object, I think she should get a nanny and do some part time tutoring or teaching or even look at becoming a governor so she has some skills to fall back on if she starts work again when the children are at school.

Yes I absolutely am! I’ll support them whatever their choices but will always give an opinion.

This sounds normal for a rich city guy- younger wife, house in the country, a lot of kids.

Some women love this set up of big family, SAHM, no money worries, husband out of the way.

Some come to find it a gilded cage.

This is pretty common. My only concern would be potentially moving somewhere she knows no one and for away from family. I would be gently suggesting she considers somewhere that, for example, you could easily.pop up to dee her or spend time with her and the baby. Eg if you live in South london/sw London they move to Surrey .

I would be disgusted but it's her life. Yuck. Why is a grown man looking for 20 year olds

Or divorcee, even if he has had the sense to try and protect his assets.

That's ridiculous. Nothing in the post says he's controlling her. Age gap relationships don't mean abusive ffs.
Sounds like OP is jealous imo.
Best of luck to her daughter, sounds like a lovely life and if she didn't want it she probably wouldn't have married him in the first place.

and she'll be really wealthy when he's dead and she's 50

You've predicted his death at 70?

My dad is 92 and all things considered, fairly fit.

Well, she's already in an unequal relationship, isn't she? She's only 25, married and pregnant to a man 20 years her senior, who is very wealthy. She's planning to give up work and be a housewife in the countryside.

The main question is: Is this what she's always wanted? Because if this is her dream then good for her having found someone who is happy for her to have it. She's married and she's having his kid(s), so she has certain protections under the law. There are plenty of women with this lifestyle in the home counties and places like Cheshire and for many couples it works very well.

She’s young and possibly still naive, let’s hope he hasn’t insisted on a prenup OP knows nothing about. I would approach this subject with extreme caution, in order not to drive away the daughter.

So many comments that sound like you all think a pregnant, married 25 yo woman is stupid. Assuming she has a degree if she's a teacher. Good grief she's not an idiot.
At 18, my 24 yo, joiner fiancé and I moved into a house he bought. I was going to Uni, and working weekends. We had our crap together at younger ages than OPs DD, our downfall was contraception failed and I miscarried.
My mother tried to stick her nose in too, none of her business.
Stop treating your daughter like she's dumb OP it won't end well.

It wouldn’t be the life I wanted and I’d caution my daughters against it for many reasons, especially before the first baby is even born but ultimately, she’s an adult and I’d be supportive of her choices even if I don’t agree with them.

I'd always recommend doing life changes in stages rather than all at once. Setting into parenthood at the same time as settling into county life sounds like a lot. I'd just be telling her that some people find having a baby can make them feel isolated anyway, how does she think she will feel being away from her friends / family / city life as well? See how it goes on maternity leave first before deciding whether to quit her job. I've known women who wanted to be SAHP that were bored out their brains and ended up going back. And also career women who planned to go back but then found they weren't comfortable leaving their baby. Most people seem happier working a small amount than not working at all. It's all about leaving your options open and seeing how it goes before committing to any major life changing decisions that might be tricky to come back from (once you've bought outside London it might be hard to buy in London again for example).

She’s a 25 year old degree educated woman who has married someone in their 40’s, not some naive 17 year old with no prospects and no clue who has married someone her grandfathers age.

she’s moving to prime commuter belt, not the back of beyond. She’ll be absolutely fine.

No, you can't talk to her in the way you envisaged.

But keep lines of communication open and be there for her. Especially as a grandmother once the baby arrives.

One thing I would do however: point out to her that she should register for child benefit, even though her husband will have to pay it back via his tax return. This will count as NI contributions while she is not earning and preserve her right to a state pension.

The time to warn her of the potential issues of marrying older rich man was before the marriage. Not after the pregnancy has started! What did you expect her plan to be? l I don’t think she is any more vulnerable to an unequal relationship if they live like that rather than together full time. He is likely to work from home more as he gets older and then you add in annual leave etc…

I would encourage her to keep working part time to keep her toe in the game but I can also see why someone who could afford to stop working and be a sahp in a rural location wouldn’t want to. It sounds like a dream to me.

were you planning on giving her lots of hands on support with baby if you live close? If so then I would maybe caution that you couldn’t help so much if she moves further away.

I don't think this is an uncommon arrangement for those who can afford it and it does suit some people very well. The one thing I'd ask is whether DD can drive? The home counties is hardly 'the middle of nowhere' as has been pointed out, but if she can't drive it'll be easy to feel isolated, so she ought to make sure she learns as soon as she is able if she can't already.

I’d be a bit sad not to have my husband, and the kids dad, home every night but frankly otherwise that sounds amazing… and to be fair, my husband (same age as me, don’t panic) works such long hours, he might as well stay away some nights, and we’re not even loaded to show for it 😂 living in London certainly doesn’t have the upper hand over the countryside for many, many people.
You would be an absolute fool to start shitting all over your daughters life plans. It’s her life, not yours, and you’ll push her away with your judgemental attitude.

That sounds ideal. The children get a nice upbringing away from pollution and city schools, dad is around 4 nights a week and there for the entire weekends, mum has free time and presumably the money for childcare support if she does need it.

Be happy for her unless she actually comes to you with a worry. There's about a million ways her life could be worse.