Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

[andthatsaswan]

My DD is 25, last summer (age 24!) she married a man 20 years older than her. I’ll be honest the relationship has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been supportive for DDs sake. This man is well off, tbh I’m not sure how to measure how well off he is, DD has never given me a figure, but very comfortable, he works in finance, in a C-Suite role and has a good chunk of inheritance from his family behind him. He is nice enough, he worships DD and I do believe he’d never want to see her come to harm.

DD is 16 weeks pregnant, they currently live in a flat in west London, DD is working in a prep school as a teacher (entirely by choice rather than need, part-time with small class sizes), they are mortgage free.

I had dinner with DD last night and she told me the plan is to buy somewhere rural, a large house in either Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey. Sell the current flat and get a smaller 1 bed in London. Then her partner will stay in the flat Monday night - Thursday morning, he works from home Monday and Friday so he could come home for that. She won’t work at all.
Now this seems like a terrible idea to me! The house she showed me is up for 2 mil!!! Now I don’t know if any of that will be mortgage or not but I somewhat doubt it. Surely with the 2 million + a 1 bed flat they could find something in London that would mean he was home every night.
When DD was showing the house it sounded like she was planning at least 1 if not 2 more children and I just worry about her being out in the middle of nowhere with the baby/children alone while he is living his best life. It feels very unequal and as though he’s not really prepared to give up his freedom for his family.

AIBU to be worried about this and think it’s an awful idea? Should I try talk DD out of it?

My husband works in the city and is away first thing Tuesday morning until late Thursday night. He’s not always done it but his role changed after we had kids and we had to adapt. It’s fine and hasn’t affected his relationship with them, he’s hands on at weekends and takes them to their sports activities. It’s very common to do this where we live, my neighbours husband and the family 2 houses away also do this. Honestly don’t think it’ll be a problem if your daughter is happy with it. If she’s moving similar to where we live there’s always plenty to do, swimming, sensory, baby gym classes, soft play meet ups.

I was waiting for this kind of comment, shaming other mothers.

It's not about not coping or not managing. It's about having a decent quality of life and expecting your partner to step up and do their share.

I would never have wanted to be a military wife, so I didn't marry someone in the forces. Lots of respect to them, but wouldn't have wanted that life myself.

Also, mothers who genuinely aren't coping for whatever reason (depression, illness etc) already feel plenty of shame, you don't need to heap extra on them for no other reason than being a massive bitch.

If she's a teacher it's likely she can always pick up work later on if she wants or needs to. Means you can stay while dh is away which coul also suit everyone

She will have been traded in long before that!

Or perhaps she will trade him in for a younger model! Who knows what will happen. Let her live her life.

I think this is the more likely of the two scenarios. Nobody in their 30s is realistically going to get into a relationship with a pensioner.

@BIossomtoes "
I think this is the more likely of the two scenarios. Nobody in their 30s is realistically going to get into a relationship with a pensioner"

Sorry???

@CurlewKate

@Blossomtoes is exaggerating as he won’t be a pensioner (!) but I think what she’s saying is that age gaps typically become more obvious when the older partner approaches 60 and certainly once they’re in their 60’s.

@BruFord well, the number of rich pensioners who manage to get a younger model kind of disproves that.

@CurlewKate The age gaps between those couples is usually very obvious! It’s a lifestyle choice, it suits some people, I suppose.

Not literally half their age or less. I’ve never known one and I know a lot of pensioners being one myself. Some of them are wealthy enough for their money to be appealing too.

My DH is 45 and would love to retire soon and do something he enjoys.

I'm a bit younger than him but can imagine in 10 years I'll feel similar.

We live quite a simple life though. A lot of what we actively enjoy doing is considered an "old person" hobby. But it's what makes us happy.

Not everyone wants to be out doing "young" activities. Even when young.

Horses for courses.

Only a share of joint assets will be taken into account for care fees. So if they have a 2 million pound home, she's still guaranteed at least a million.
.

This is good!

Out of interest, does your company offer the same pay benefits for shared parental leave as maternity leave, regardless of gender?

This is the way employers need to go IMO to establish better equality.

Talking of care home is a slightly premature! Anyway, something like 95% of people live their lives out in their own home and do not have care homes. I would look on Rightmove for properties around 2 million in the Southwest London Richmond area and send her the details -

I’d say ensure she has good legal advice and her own finances. It all sounds very lovely but his greater wealth does mean there’s a power imbalance.

Championing women's rights means supporting choices other than your own. She might be happy with this.

I'd suggest you encourage her to keep her training/skills etc UTD so if anything wver did happen she could provide for herself if needed