Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

[andthatsaswan]

My DD is 25, last summer (age 24!) she married a man 20 years older than her. I’ll be honest the relationship has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been supportive for DDs sake. This man is well off, tbh I’m not sure how to measure how well off he is, DD has never given me a figure, but very comfortable, he works in finance, in a C-Suite role and has a good chunk of inheritance from his family behind him. He is nice enough, he worships DD and I do believe he’d never want to see her come to harm.

DD is 16 weeks pregnant, they currently live in a flat in west London, DD is working in a prep school as a teacher (entirely by choice rather than need, part-time with small class sizes), they are mortgage free.

I had dinner with DD last night and she told me the plan is to buy somewhere rural, a large house in either Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey. Sell the current flat and get a smaller 1 bed in London. Then her partner will stay in the flat Monday night - Thursday morning, he works from home Monday and Friday so he could come home for that. She won’t work at all.
Now this seems like a terrible idea to me! The house she showed me is up for 2 mil!!! Now I don’t know if any of that will be mortgage or not but I somewhat doubt it. Surely with the 2 million + a 1 bed flat they could find something in London that would mean he was home every night.
When DD was showing the house it sounded like she was planning at least 1 if not 2 more children and I just worry about her being out in the middle of nowhere with the baby/children alone while he is living his best life. It feels very unequal and as though he’s not really prepared to give up his freedom for his family.

AIBU to be worried about this and think it’s an awful idea? Should I try talk DD out of it?

My situation is not unlike this but without such a big age gap. I always wanted to be a SAHM and am grateful to be able to do so. Yes it can get really boring and lonely at times so it’s important to keep up other interests. However I think that’s something she’ll discover for herself in time. There are plenty of opportunities to re-join the workforce later on these days if she needs or chooses to do so. Teaching is not a career in which you can easily lose your place on the ladder like you can in some other jobs.

Yuck. Understand concerns. So naive. And what example will she be setting her future children? Sad to see lack of self-respect tbh,

Better to encourage to work when baby is 1 PT and set up some childcare, a self-centred dominsnt man marrying a woman young enough to be his daughter, will inevitably become controlling IMHO and your daughter needs outside agency and advice to retain her confidence.

It depends how they want to do things - for example if his money goes into a joint account she can access I’d worry less than if she has to ask him for money to buy things. Will they be paying into a pension for her? If he’s buying the house and paying any mortgage they need then has he ring-fenced this asset or is she entitled to half if they split? There are ways to run your life fairly when only person works but often that isn’t the case and the unemployed person gets a raw deal. I’d be worried too. I’m also baffled by the number of women who consider shagging a rich older guy as “landing on your feet.” Are our aspirations for our daughters still so very low? It makes me sad.

I would have the same feelings you have about this set up. I know I could not live happily like that.

I think you can talk to her about your misgivings. But I would frame it in a carefully.

Ask her what she could do to ensure that she is not isolated Monday- Thursday. Maybe help her to explore the town, local groups, gym, library etc near her new home.

You should aim to be in a position that if it doesn’t work for her, she is able to come to you without feeling like you will say I told you so.

At least they have the money to explore other options of it doesn’t work out.

A great post.

I also believe that when a couple agree for one of them to become a SAHP much thought should go into protecting that person financially. Good intentions are not enough. (I have never been in this position but women friends have been burned by seemingly good men)

Exactly - it's tough but nothing you can do, as she's an adult.

I’m also baffled by the number of women who consider shagging a rich older guy as “landing on your feet”.

I don’t know why you’re baffled or why you think not doing paid work means low aspirations. Marrying someone who’s wealthy gives you choice. I’d have loved to use my skills to benefit a charity, I could have done that if I’d married a wealthy man. There’s nothing noble, feminist or aspirational about being a wage slave if you don’t have to.

She can give it a go and if she doesn't like it they can look at options in the future?

I'd happily not work ever again if I could swan around in the country and have husband out from under my feet a few nights a week. Yes the first few years will be hard but sounds like he can afford a bit of childcare while she has her nails done, goes the gym, lunches.

She's living the dream, and when she isn't she can ask to change it. Good luck to them 😊

Sounds like the opposite to me! She's playing him down his money and getting a beautiful house to raise her children in whilst he's working his socks off to provide for them and has to stay in a small flat midweek for his troubles.

I'd be questioning my daughters morals.

I'll help her house hunt, it's my favourite procrastination! Check out this house in her budget https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/146420495#/?channel=RES_BUY

@BIossomtoes

I don’t know why you’re baffled or why you think not doing paid work means low aspirations. Marrying someone who’s wealthy gives you choice.

Hmmm. Only if the wealthy person you have married supports you in these choices.

There is nothing inherently wrong with marrying someone wealthy obviously but in a set up like this with a much older man choosing a spouse who is much younger without means often (not always but often) this is a deliberate choice by someone who doesn’t want to be challenged in the way they choose to run their life and household and doesn’t want to compromise.

I am always a bit suspicious of a person who would be attracted to the idea of building a life with someone who has absolutely no agency or independence. Who would want their life partner to come from an entirely different generation?

It could be fine for the DD if she doesn’t want to work and is happy with that model and those values. But if she wakes up one day and decides she wants to change the way things operate: start working or volunteering or educating the children in a way the father doesn’t like, she could find herself very isolated.

She will have the money of course so it’s not a disaster but it would scare me to have my daughter so wholly dependent on someone.

@Thepeopleversuswork She will have the money of course so it’s not a disaster but it would scare me to have my daughter so wholly dependent on someone.

I know of 3 women who married wealthy men a lot older than them. (15 years +) and
now they are in their 70's - which is not old by today;s standards - and are nursemaid/carers to senile, incontinent old men.

One has told me straight that when Fred (not his name) dies she will have to give up her (big posh) house because she has no pension and can't afford to run it on her own.

I’m apparently going against the grain here to say I would be worried too, while this may have been considered a success in the last generation or two, it is a VERY unusual set up these days around London. I have a very close friend who did something similar (the only person I can think of who has) and it ended in a really ugly divorce. It was really not that straightforward at all getting a decent cut from the divorce either; and it messed up her job prospects going forward as she’d given up work for a while. She has got back on her feet now but it was very ugly to watch.

I’m not saying this will happen at all but these power dynamics are uncomfortable. Can she at least keep up some kind of teaching job? (and maybe it is easier to get back into teaching than other careers after a break?). I just think it’s incredibly naive to give up work / financial independence/ long term job prospects so young…there’s no telling what could happen if they divorced, he got ill, etc. I’m in my early/mid 30s and even friends/acquaintances with very wealthy partners (wealthier than your DDs husband) and (multiple) kids still do something for work.

Do you know what his working pattern is like now? There’s a good chance that his job means he is at home very very little mid-week now anyway, he could just be coming home to sleep and then go again first thing in the morning, in which case him being away 3 nights may not make much difference.

The areas you have listed are not really rural, there are communities of very similar families

I think I would absolutely love this!

I’ve always said that I would hate to be a SAHP.
But a £2mill home in a gorgeous area of the country, half of the week having it all to myself, all my bills paid and not having to work if I don’t need to sounds pretty good to me.

As a PP has said, it’s not like it’s in the middle of nowhere.

She may choose to go back to work or start up a business in the future but right now if they’re both happy with this arrangement and there are no concerns about abuse/control then I would just be happy for her.

She’s a grown woman with a husband and starting a family of your own. She’s not your baby any more and it’s not your place to ‘talk her out of’ her plans for her future.

Personally, I think a £2 million house to myself all week, with no requirement to get a job, sounds like a pretty good deal. And if they divorce she’ll do very well out of it.

She’s making different choices to the ones you would make because she is a different person to you and she wants different things from life. She’s clearly liking the idea of having a family without any financial pressures and is just not that arsed about a career. That’s perfectly fine. Career doesn’t have to be everyone’s top priority.

If you start on at her about the mistakes you think she’s making, you’ll just push her away and, in all probability, make her feel like shit for being such a disappointment to you. You’ve got to let her get on with the life she wants.

well no , she'll get her husband's wealth surely?
And many others could only dream of even having a 'big posh house' to give up. The money from the sale would enable her to buy something smaller.

Also, this girl's only 25. Young enough to start all over again in 10 years, if that's what she ends up wanting. Except with a nice chunk of assets to set her up.

BTW I'm not pretending that this is should be the aim for all women. I couldn't do this personally - while I like the peaceful life and not working, I need to achieve intellectually.

But, the assumption is always that working hard will get you a good life... in 2024 that's becoming less and less true. Of course some ambitious people rise to the top and make themselves a good life but the majority, especially in public service professions like teaching will never even come close.

So many others bum about travelling, or being in low-paid, low prospects jobs until their late twenties anyway. I don't see how they have an advantage over OP's daughter.

All this with the caveat that she keeps her head screwed on right for signs of financial abuse etc.

Do you live near any of those places? If not can you try to encourage them to buy a ‘country house’ somewhat near you on the basis that you can be an on hand grandma?
I’d also be planting the idea of a London flat still big enough for her and the baby to stay occasionally, otherwise they could end up with very separate lives.

What exactly do you mean by "what kind of example will she be setting"?

My mum stayed home when I was young (from necessity) and it worked wonderfully. She went back to work when I was a teen (have a younger sibling) and because she's incredibly capable, worked her way up fast.

This let my dad retire early, having worked as the main financial provider for many years, because now she could provide financially what we needed. So he began taking on more domestic stuff.

Staying home while dad provides isn't a bad example to set children, if it's done right. And, if mum and dad are both happy with the set up, there's clear respect on both sides etc, that's a good example to set. They're working as a team.

You've jumped straight to the scenario where the man is only looking after himself and the poor woman is "stuck" at home being run ragged. That's not always the dynamics for a family with a stay at home parent.

@Tripeandonions I agree. I would find it a pretty depressing life and I wouldn’t want it for my kid.

However she has at least got wealth.

Why is working when you don't have to setting an example?

If you want to be at home with your kids and being an active parent in that time not a good example?
Years ago I did voluntary work till I started a 'proper' job again.
Why is it a lack of self-respect? We can't assume she'll be spending her days at the spa and shopping

And unless there's any indication yet that he's controlling, why assume that either? If he was a decent man when he was younger, he may well stay a decent man into his dotage

@Nanny0gg

And unless there's any indication yet that he's controlling, why assume that either? If he was a decent man when he was younger, he may well stay a decent man into his dotage

I don’t think it’s a given that he’s controlling but you do have to wonder what kind of man in 2024 wants a wife who is so much younger, has no financial independence and no agency within the marriage.

This.

Sometimes ages just isn't a factor.

And we don't know that he wants her to have no financial independence or agency within the marriage. However, he is able to enable her to make whatever choice she wants.

Would you choose to work if you simply didn't have to? Or would you consider it having no financial independence if that money which enables you to choose not to came from, for example, your husband's inheritance?

Personally, I would go loopy at home all the time. But if I had the resources to not have to work, I would be making vastly different choices for mine, and my child's, lifestyle.

It is definitely unequal.

Unlike his wealth, youth and fertility are ten a penny, and they have an expiration date.

My worry would be that she will be isolated in a rural area away from everyone she knows. Does she have any friends there? What will her social support system be? People need support in the form of friendships and community in order to thrive.