Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

[andthatsaswan]

My DD is 25, last summer (age 24!) she married a man 20 years older than her. I’ll be honest the relationship has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been supportive for DDs sake. This man is well off, tbh I’m not sure how to measure how well off he is, DD has never given me a figure, but very comfortable, he works in finance, in a C-Suite role and has a good chunk of inheritance from his family behind him. He is nice enough, he worships DD and I do believe he’d never want to see her come to harm.

DD is 16 weeks pregnant, they currently live in a flat in west London, DD is working in a prep school as a teacher (entirely by choice rather than need, part-time with small class sizes), they are mortgage free.

I had dinner with DD last night and she told me the plan is to buy somewhere rural, a large house in either Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey. Sell the current flat and get a smaller 1 bed in London. Then her partner will stay in the flat Monday night - Thursday morning, he works from home Monday and Friday so he could come home for that. She won’t work at all.
Now this seems like a terrible idea to me! The house she showed me is up for 2 mil!!! Now I don’t know if any of that will be mortgage or not but I somewhat doubt it. Surely with the 2 million + a 1 bed flat they could find something in London that would mean he was home every night.
When DD was showing the house it sounded like she was planning at least 1 if not 2 more children and I just worry about her being out in the middle of nowhere with the baby/children alone while he is living his best life. It feels very unequal and as though he’s not really prepared to give up his freedom for his family.

AIBU to be worried about this and think it’s an awful idea? Should I try talk DD out of it?

It's ultimately her choice but I would be there for her and encourage her to continue to have some independence and life outside of her husband and family.

It is all fine now but what about when she is 44, he's 64 and the kids have left home?

There is simply no reason or suggestion that he is or will be unfaithful. The flat in town is presumably because when not wfh he works long hours so it makes sense to go office to flat to bed to sleep to office repeat for theb3 day period he does work in the office.

Guess he may have afforded to retire in his late 50s and they will be able to enjoy life tk the full.

My cousin moved from London to a nice house in the countryside to raise a family. Her husband still works and stays in London 4 nights a week. I have to say my cousin's extremely happy. She has the best life. She's made so many friends and is very busy socially. Now her kids are teenagers she has a very part time job (10 hours a week). She wouldn't change a thing.

DH and I married 20 years. I genuinely don’t think I could live in the same house with the same person full time. When DD was small he worked away 6 days a week (I was a consultant and worked around her). Now she’s a teen I’m the one in London 3 nights a week. It gives me the focus for work and then I’m a better mum/wife the rest of the time.

i’d consider all of those areas to be commuter areas though. I live in Wales so can’t do it daily (and don’t want to uproot DD from her life here because of my work).

I’d love this life/

You've posted about this before haven't you, but obviously she wasn't pregnant then?

I think the general consensus was that she's chosen him for his money and there's nothing you can do about it.

Given the hours he may well be working, it's sometimes easier to have this delineation and enjoy having the bigger house and garden. It does risk him being a Disney dad in his own relationship but that's often the case in this type of set up

I'm quite jealous of her.
Rich husband, 2 million pound house in a good area, nanny, private schools, London pad.
NOT HAVING TO WORK.

The downside will be the ageing husband. But the money will compensate for that.
She's married so has some protection. Plus if high stress city job may die young and she gets the lot.

Hell let her get on with it.

She is a grown married woman and will soon be a mother herself…

i think you can suggest waiting to house hunt until the baby arrives and “help” her look for properties if she is leading it.

really your best bet is

• stay close to her and be someone she can talk to
• enioy the grandchildren and spend time with them
• Make sure the guest suite is decorated to your tastes 😉

It does sound a bit like he is trying to keep her in her place/control her. YANBU to be concerned. I would be. Sounds like he wants to keep her barefoot and pregnant and isolated and totally dependent on him. This is (sadly) not unusual in a relationship where the man is old enough to be the woman's father.

I would als be uncomfortable with this. This was the setup my parents had an it ultimately made my mother feel bored, lonely and entirely without any agency in her life. I would find this miserable personally.

A lot of people will be along (I see some have already tipped up) to say this is their dream and it’s all tickety boo because they are married so all is well, but it does seem very unequal and quite stifling to me. It’s horses for courses obviously but setting a life up with such a yawning chasm of inequality doesn’t sound great.

But the others are also correct that if she’s married she does have some insurance and as long as this guy remains respectful of her there very little you can do. It could be a lot worse.

I would withdraw criticism and be supportive but gently suggest she keep her hand in with work. Chances are if she’s smart she will eventually want more.

I think if that is the life your dd wants she just needs left to live it. Part time dad wouldn’t be for me personally but people are different.

I don't understand people who say their adult children aren't their business. My children will always be my business however old they are.

Do your children agree?!

That's a very similar arrangement that my parents had and that worked well . Shes an adult.

Sounds awful!!! 🤣🤣🤣

I would share your concerns op but this is really primarily about your dd and what she wants to do with her life?

I would ask her a few questions about her teaching career and whether she intends keeping that up once in the country?

If she says no then ask her why not? Presumably they could afford a nanny?

Remind her that it is never a good idea to rely on dh for all of her money. However kind and well intentioned he is, it puts her in a vulnerable position. Especially if the marriage fails.

Even if it doesn’t fail, what will she do once the dc are older and don’t need her as much?

Bluntly, does she have any personal ambitions for herself outside of being a wife and mother? Just prompt her to think about her long term goals?

Beyond that there isn’t much that you can do op!

Are you going to stick your nose into your adult children's relationships and where they choose to live though?

All the ops dd has done is chosen to marry a richer older man it really isn't the ops business all she can do is support (or not ) her child but that's all.

So long as she has the house keeper cleaner gardener nanny to go with the house
She can enjoy herself
Does she drive? That s important she needs her own wheels
Why not say

"that looks great!what car will you get? "

She could also still work if she wants to

Yanbu to worry OP. I would worry about a man that much older and more successful being controlling, and would worry about my daughter having her first child somewhere rural away from her support system.

what is this guy like? How easily could you travel there/she travel back? What are her plans for help with the baby once it arrives and for a social network?

Be thankful they have money - she can buy in help if needed.
Be grateful she’s not waited till she’s 35 to have a baby, 10 more years for you to enjoy your grandchildren. Sounds like the house will have room for you to stay.
It might not be the life you’d choose, but its not a disaster.

My DH works away for 1 week out of every 2 (monday-monday) I know it isn't for everyone and I do wish he was home more but it works for us. I don't think you should try and talk her out of it at all, it's not a horrendous situation

She's married a 45 year old rich bloke and you're worried she might end up with an unequal relationship??

For £2m they could definitely buy a nice place in London. Maybe just search a few nice properties and say have you considered this? There are some lovely places with decent schools Richmond Wimbledon etc if that's the sort of vibe she's after?