Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

[andthatsaswan]

My DD is 25, last summer (age 24!) she married a man 20 years older than her. I’ll be honest the relationship has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been supportive for DDs sake. This man is well off, tbh I’m not sure how to measure how well off he is, DD has never given me a figure, but very comfortable, he works in finance, in a C-Suite role and has a good chunk of inheritance from his family behind him. He is nice enough, he worships DD and I do believe he’d never want to see her come to harm.

DD is 16 weeks pregnant, they currently live in a flat in west London, DD is working in a prep school as a teacher (entirely by choice rather than need, part-time with small class sizes), they are mortgage free.

I had dinner with DD last night and she told me the plan is to buy somewhere rural, a large house in either Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey. Sell the current flat and get a smaller 1 bed in London. Then her partner will stay in the flat Monday night - Thursday morning, he works from home Monday and Friday so he could come home for that. She won’t work at all.
Now this seems like a terrible idea to me! The house she showed me is up for 2 mil!!! Now I don’t know if any of that will be mortgage or not but I somewhat doubt it. Surely with the 2 million + a 1 bed flat they could find something in London that would mean he was home every night.
When DD was showing the house it sounded like she was planning at least 1 if not 2 more children and I just worry about her being out in the middle of nowhere with the baby/children alone while he is living his best life. It feels very unequal and as though he’s not really prepared to give up his freedom for his family.

AIBU to be worried about this and think it’s an awful idea? Should I try talk DD out of it?

I wouldn't be putting up with three consecutive days and nights every week. But my DH is a very active co-parent so it would feel like a big difference. It seems like for some people on here they would barely notice.

Is it really what DD wants or does she want it because HE wants it and hes paying?

Moving to somewhere where DD has family or friends close by, would be better....if husband is insisting on not living in London

Will she have an au pair/nanny/housekeeper/gardener?

I don’t think it’s that unusual lots of parents live away part of the week for work. Especially before covid.

As her parent, your main concern is for her and your unborn grandchild’s future welfare-that’s fair enough.

Obviously she’s going to make her own decisions, but when they’re buying a house, I don’t think it would be overstepping to remark that it’s best if she’s also on the deeds just in case something happened to her DH. She may easily not be on the mortgage (assuming they need one) due to his high income.

Perhaps it would be overstepping, but she and your grandchild are your priorities.

I agree.

I wouldn’t want to parent 3 days and nights myself. A nanny wouldn’t be good enough for me, I’d want my children’s other parent to want to parent their child every day too.

Even though a nanny would be far more effective? Good thing military wives on their own for months on end manage to cope, isn’t it? I’d be ashamed to be such an inadequate parent that I couldn’t manage on my own for three days.

🙄

It sounds like trying out the storyline for a chick lit novel, rather than a real scenario.

She didn't say she couldn't cope, she said she would not want to. There's a big difference and IMO it's very reasonable to expect the father to play an active role in parenting his children.

Of course it’s a reasonable expectation but he can do that without being available seven days a week. Especially if there’s other support like a nanny.

Why would a nanny be far more effective?

I would manage the odd night if I had to or for illness, emergencies etc but I wouldn’t want to so I wouldn’t be with someone in the military or the such like.

I wouldn’t want a nannys support at home, I’d want my husbands support.

Why would a nanny be far more effective?

Training, experience, competence, knowledge, professionalism.

Depends on the nanny.

DH and I learned how to parent together. I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side.

I really disagree with this. She is not moving to a City with lots of baby classes but to a rural area. This may mean she has to drive a fair distance to go to any groups. Not always easy with a new baby and no support.

I moved to the Home Counties after DC2. It was non stop baby massage/yoga; NCT coffee mornings; toddler painting classes; baby ballet; rhyme time and baby swimming all morphing into long lunches and plenty of tea and cake. And that was almost twenty years ago. I don’t think the OPs DD is going to be troubled by lack of activities.

Okay, I do not consider that rural. I take your point that it depends what OP means by rural.

@BIossomtoes "I’d be ashamed to be such an inadequate parent that I couldn’t manage on my own for three days."
It's not about not being able to manage. It's about planning a new lifestyle which it makes it necessary. And a new father being happy to spend so much time away from his baby .

Has your daughter factored in the possibility of being traded in for a younger model in twenty years or so?

I was 24 when I had my first and 25 when had my second child. Dh worked 6 days a week leaving when they woke up and coming home at bath and bed time, he also worked away so I was on my own - by that time we had 3 dc.
The only difference is we didn't have the money and massive house in the country!

Many women do this out of necessity, and don't have the lifestyle and finances to make this life much much easier.

I created my own life with friends I met through the children and locally and joined groups, it hasn't made a difference to our relationship as we now enjoy the fruits of our hard years we travel and go out a lot and spend time with each other. We don't have the big age gap though we are similar age.

So yes I would have loved the life she has now. Whether she will love it remains to be seen, many women who would love this life have much harder lives doing what she's doing but with no money so of course that lifestyle is very attractive but she doesn't know any other type of life so you don't know how it will go.

You just have to be there for her whatever happens. It's no different to her being married to someone else. Would you be less worried if she married someone her own age with no money and she was pregnant and had to work full time in a supermarket to afford the rent on a two bed flat in a less desirable area in London?

Have you asked her how she feels about it? What appeals to her about the plan, anything she's worried about or still unsure about?

No, don't jump in with your judgement of the situation. It sounds as though you're not clearly understanding what's going on in her head so why not try to understand that first. If you do want to raise objections you need to know your audience

YANBU. I’d be appalled if this was my DD. She’s going to be looking after teens and younger (?) when her DH’s health starts to suffer, assuming he’s not traded her in again for another much younger wife.

At least they’re married so she has some limited security although I’m guessing if he’s high up in finance, he’s got most of his cash tied up and out of reach.

Those areas are not really rural at al,l in fact Surrey is jammed with young families and many will be doing the same, Dh or DW in London for part of the week, l suspect the other counties are similar.
There will be many opportunities to make a network of friends and tons of activities with small children. Plus plenty of schools in case DD wants to go back to work.
Plus she will have a London base, sounds pretty good if that is what she wants.

However the age gap would worry me as when she is still a sprightly 45 year old DH will be 65....
That ship has now sailed so not really relevant except that she needs to form a full and fulfilling life for herself in case she is widowed in the future.

Yep we grow and change a lot between 24 and 44.

At 44 she will still be youngish and energetic whereas he may be looking to wind down in to retirement and a slower life.

In my experience people with a lot of money tend to retire early - late 50s/early 60s and spend at least a decade having a wonderful time. Lots of travel and first class all the way. That doesn’t sound bad to me.

I think it is less about working vs retirement and more about being in different places emotionally and outlookwise.

At 44 she may be still full of energy, keen to do something for herself now her children are young adults. He may be winding down or already retired, working at a very senior level in FS can be brutal in terms of your health. I mean I am 45 and can't imagine being content not working and spending my time doing retirement stuff with someone old enough to be my father. But then I don't have the income that they have/will have.

But as you say they could be heading for a wonderful middle age of travelling and cruises and she will be happy with that.