Worried DD is going to end up with an unequal relationship

[andthatsaswan]

My DD is 25, last summer (age 24!) she married a man 20 years older than her. I’ll be honest the relationship has always made me uncomfortable but I’ve been supportive for DDs sake. This man is well off, tbh I’m not sure how to measure how well off he is, DD has never given me a figure, but very comfortable, he works in finance, in a C-Suite role and has a good chunk of inheritance from his family behind him. He is nice enough, he worships DD and I do believe he’d never want to see her come to harm.

DD is 16 weeks pregnant, they currently live in a flat in west London, DD is working in a prep school as a teacher (entirely by choice rather than need, part-time with small class sizes), they are mortgage free.

I had dinner with DD last night and she told me the plan is to buy somewhere rural, a large house in either Berkshire, Buckinghamshire or Surrey. Sell the current flat and get a smaller 1 bed in London. Then her partner will stay in the flat Monday night - Thursday morning, he works from home Monday and Friday so he could come home for that. She won’t work at all.
Now this seems like a terrible idea to me! The house she showed me is up for 2 mil!!! Now I don’t know if any of that will be mortgage or not but I somewhat doubt it. Surely with the 2 million + a 1 bed flat they could find something in London that would mean he was home every night.
When DD was showing the house it sounded like she was planning at least 1 if not 2 more children and I just worry about her being out in the middle of nowhere with the baby/children alone while he is living his best life. It feels very unequal and as though he’s not really prepared to give up his freedom for his family.

AIBU to be worried about this and think it’s an awful idea? Should I try talk DD out of it?

I think with this relationship set up, even with a really kind, loving, supportive dh, you need to determine that you have a way of negotiating big decisions equally as a couple.

For example, if the dh in this case is offered a new job that involves a move abroad, or they need work doing on the house, it’s inevitably the one who is the highest earner who gets the most “say” in the decision. And that leads to inequality over time.

It also means that the onus is on the sahp
part of the couple to be in charge of domestic drudge, whether they have cleaners or not, it’s their domain, and that can lead to inequality too.

Also, as she hasn’t had dc yet, I would be worried that your dd doesn’t fully realise what she is agreeing to. My dh worked abroad in the early stages of our relationship and it’s no fun being on your own for three nights straight with two vomiting dc. Similarly, it’s scary having no one there if your dc has to go to A&E etc.

Now if you have serious wealth you can afford live-in help so maybe that won’t be a problem. But if you have wealth to buy the big house, but not the people to staff it, that might not be as much fun.

But it would be good to know in advance who sets the parameters of the budget and how your dd will access it?
She is making herself vulnerable to his decision-making priorities otherwise, which may be very different to hers.

Finally, I would be interested to know who instigated the idea of living in the country. As pp has said, the countryside can have more of a community feel than living in anonymous London, so I wouldn’t necessarily be worried about isolation.

And if they want lots of dc it may make sense financially to move out. So I think the success or otherwise of this arrangement will depend to an extent if your dd is a career driven urbanite, or whether she is more of a nature-loving homebody who loves ponies, lots of space, and the WI (exaggerating and over-simplifying there obviously).

Also, despite the age gap, whether your dd can speak up for herself. Having dc changes the dynamic of any relationship so much. Does it sound like her dh is willing to embrace that change equally or will it only be your dd’s life that is dramatically different?

It’s not really your place to interfere in their decisions op, and people will have different ideas about to what extent it’s appropriate to “express your concerns”, but hopefully this thread will have given you ideas about a few topics that you can chat to her about thoughtfully, that you can broach in a supportive “I want what is best for you” way?

Similarly,

It sounds brilliant to me (but then, I didn't like living with someone else)

Thats sounds really miserable and 25 is very young she may not fully understand what she's getting into. I'd gently ask her what she's going to do all day and encourage her to work part time.

Where do I sign up.

Sounds like a great deal to be fair.

Tbh that would be my idea of heaven. Its only three days a week when he's not around. And sometimes a routine works pretty well when you dont have someone else to factor in during the week. All depends on your dds personality- whether she is a social butterfly or someone who is more introvert and likes her own space.

Presumably if he is so well off financially he will be retired and they'll be living their best life.

Agreed - I used to work in financial services and know many people like this.

@NeedToChangeName The assets here clearly make a huge difference. If they divorced, OP's DD would have enough to buy a house mortgage free and invest the rest, living a good life even on minimum wage jobs.

It's not like the majority of SAHM on MN claiming their DH have 'big jobs'... 60K a year. It's a great wage, but not enough to have a good life post-divorce on minimum wage. Unless they were lucky enough to buy property that has since tripled in value.

The only thing that would concern me is ensuring she has access to money in her own name , and decisions are made jointly.

She’ll be ok. Worse comes to worse the relationship doesn’t work out, she gets half or more of their properties, lots of maintenance money and can go back to teaching. It’s not like there’s no jobs in teaching.

She’s saying she wants three kids now, she’s not had the kid yet. She may well change her tune.
Encourage her to make friends where she moves, go to lots of playgroups etc when baby is born. She’ll have lots to keep her busy and hopefully you can visit a lot.

It’s the being on her own with babies/toddlers for large chunks of the week that would worry me too. The evenings and nights are hard enough in those years even when you have a partner there to share the load.

Sad but true.

Lots in City jobs do this. Big house in the shires and pied a terre in London. I've never seen the attraction, particularly from the woman's point of view, if she is the one at home with the children. There is usually quite a lot of childcare support in the country outpost too - brigade of nannies, PTs etc. The only times I've thought that it seemed an okay arrangement was when the couple didn't seem very together anyway and didn't seem to really like each other that much. It sounds like this is not the case with your DD. I agree with others, it is her life and decisions but I would very much focus on making sure she is financially protected if it all goes wrong as she is foregoing building her own career.

I don’t see the OP treating her DD as dumb I think she is being very sensible about it and not wading in to tell her how to run her life.

By the same token she is concerned about the huge financial and power imbalance in the relationship. I would feel the same: it’s not what l would want for my daughter and I think it’s entirely legitimate to be concerned and seek advice.

I didn’t even know any 45 year olds outside off of work when I was that age except my parents friends, former teachers, lecturers etc. but they definitely weren’t in my social/dating circle. I’d have been horrified if one has approached me 😅 and I wouldn’t have cared how wealthy he was.

I don’t have any issues not living full time with a man in general, and a couple of my friends have this arrangements but they’re much closer in age to their partners.

In this situation I would wonder about his intentions based on the fact he’s been enjoying his life as a single child free man until middle aged and then marrying a relatively young girl who hasn’t experienced life as much yet. There’s a clear imbalance and while he wasn’t happy to settle down young he’s happy for a young woman to do so for him. Now he’s proposing this. It’s all part of misogyny tbh the idea that men can and should mess around until whatever age enjoying their youth then settle down with the young woman 😌

But anyway this particular arrangement could all be very innocent like the people I know who do this.

At least she will have financial protections of marriage etc and as icky as it may be to us for some women this is still the dream. Hopefully he has the best of intentions.

Surely if it goes tits up she'll get a chunk of all this wealth? It seems like she's aiming for more kids, and wants to be a homemaker/ full time mum or whatever it's called. She can easily go back to teaching whenever she likes. As long as he's not preventing her from working I don't see the issue really. If it's what she wants.
Surely she can use the London flat whenever she likes as well? If they've got money then travelling between Bucks and London regularly is no big deal. If she's happy then I think you've nothing to worry about.
Worse case, Should she decide to leave him she will still have time to have more kids with someone else if she's that much younger.

Going to work is “freedom” and “living his best life”? According to you or according to him?

You can’t stop her, but yes I’d be disappointed that this was the life she had chosen

Does she want to be a SAHM? If so, it's a perfectly valid life choice as long as everything is covered, such as her pension and retirement plans.

It's not an awful idea. I love my job and I work for our lifestyle not for because of a desperate "need" (although to live where and how we do, it is a need). But I would love to live in the countryside and my "job" be walking the dog, doing the garden, cooking, baking etc.

Having said that, I do enjoy being financially independent, so the reality may be different to the dream. That's the conversation to have. How will she feel about being entirely dependent? Will she go back to work to have something that's "hers" rather than "theirs"? Is she certain she will have some independence (i.e. won't have to ask for money to buy a new top or a coffee with a friend etc)?

And then be supportive of her choice. If it does go tits up, she'll need to feel like she can come to you.

Apart from the age gap this is a very standard set up.

My ExH and I had a very similar set up although we were the same age (married straight out of uni.

It's likely he'll be working/client/colleague entertaining during the three overnights. Saves him getting the last train home sleeping for three hours and then getting the first train in for the 7:30 meeting before the exchange opens at 8.

I can see the obvious inequality in terms of age and money but the lifestyle really is standard.

What are your specific concerns?

If they get divorced she'll have money (unless she signed a very watertight pre-nuptial agreement and even then U.K. courts can over-ride then).

It can be hard with small kids on your own for three days but at that income level I'd expect her to have support - childminder/nursery in the day for example - and in the commuter belt it's usually very easy to make friends as a first time mum.

It's unlikely that she'll be alone with that kind of money. She'll have cleaners and a nanny, at minimum. Maybe even more than one. I know families that have a day nanny and night nanny.

There are lots of people with similar lifestyles, where she'll be moving too.

I suppose it is a question of individual preference, because some people simply hate commuting. But the areas where your DD and her DD are house hunting are all in the commuter belt, or parts of them are. And it is easy to work in a first class train carriage, which the DH can afford.

Sometimes a parent must work away and yes, everyone copes. I admit it feels different to me when it is more a matter of convenience, particularly from the perspective of a growing or more sensitive child.

So even though DH works long days and I agree that your DD is old enough to make her own choices, this one seems ….. I don’t know. I couldn’t do it.

Maybe they just don’t want to bring up their children in London which is why they would move further out.

I'm sure they'll have staff.....nannies, housekeepers, gardeners, etc.

Why shouldn't she also be living her best life?!

She can have a wonderful time, in a beautiful, large house in the rural home counties and not want for anything!

She doesn't have to work, and financially, if the marriage goes wrong she is set up for life!!

What's not to like?!

PS Should say ‘… area where your DD and her DH are house hunting …’

Sounds like DH is less controlling than OP

I mean she'll be protected at least like everyone else is saying assets-wise as they are married so, post-any divorce she'd at least be able to afford her own place if the rural one is sold on. Having lived rurally I would've loathed it with young children (little public transport/facilities/opportunities etc) but then it really suits others so, if it works for them it works for them.