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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

674 replies

lighttheresomewhere · 05/05/2024 22:27

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 05/05/2024 23:20

I also have an amazing husband who dotes on our little girl. It’s like he found a new lease of life when she was born.
We also got back into our intimate life quite early on after she was born but we still hit the roommate stage. Sadly it isn’t always possible to keep up with date nights. We try our best at home when she goes to bed but when the one year sleep regression hit our nighttime’s became a lot harder!
Our little girl was fairly placid and content but life was still difficult juggling our work and family commitments.
I guess for some people no matter how much effort they put in, tiredness takes over and the roommate phase hits and a relationship can deteriorate.

I’m happy your marriage is still going strong and wish you all the best but please remember that it’s not always as easy for others. We all love our children but teething, reflux, separation anxiety (to only name a few) can really put strains on a relationship.

strangewomenlyinginponds · 05/05/2024 23:20

ClawdeenWolf · 05/05/2024 23:17

Fucking A. 👏 👏👏

Sorry I double posted and then edited. Thank you though :)

mrsmacmc · 05/05/2024 23:20

VivaVivaa · 05/05/2024 22:37

Your post is quite naive and privileged. Even in your situation of having a decent partner/father (which so many people don’t have, but don’t realise until it’s too late), there could be a whole litany of things, off the top of my head:

Birth injuries
Postnatal depression
Sleep deprivation
Change to financial situation
Poorly baby
Just not enjoying parenthood like you thought you would

Etc etc. I’m glad it’s been plain sailing for you but it’s so often not the case.

Agree 💯 with this and @VivaVivaa you've managed to succinctly say what I came to say!

CountryMumof4 · 05/05/2024 23:22

I'm all for a bit of dress up when the mood takes me, but I think I'd be sick in my mouth if my husband said something like that to me. Parenthood can be incredibly difficult. Throw in disabilities, or lack or sleep or birth injuries etc. and quite honestly you aren't up for much. Having a supportive partner who does their share does make a huge difference, but you have absolutely no idea what the world will throw at you. That said, you sound happy, and that's always lovely. Just don't think that you actually NEED to do those things to keep your man. A man that loves you would be just as happy with you crawling into bed with a massive t shirt and tatty old knickers. It's about your connection at the end of the day.

MyFirstLittlePony · 05/05/2024 23:24

well I think it is lovely

what sort of dressing up do you recommend?

LeavesOnTrees · 05/05/2024 23:25

Second baby was a terrible sleeper.
We were exhausted, then entered the twilight zone beyond exhausted.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/05/2024 23:25

I daren't look back on my posts 15 years ago in case I wrote something like that. I really hope I didn't.

Divorced now. Happily so. What a twat he was.

bluetopazlove · 05/05/2024 23:29

MyFirstLittlePony · 05/05/2024 23:24

well I think it is lovely

what sort of dressing up do you recommend?

French maid might be nice she can then make the bed and do a bit of dusting after she entertains him .

Magentaplasticglasses · 05/05/2024 23:30

You seem very naive if I'm honest. And very lucky. My relationship fell apart because, I was 18 when I fell pregnant, my baby was unplanned, ex was is immature and struggles with a lot of (then undiagnosed) mental health issues. We split up when I was 23 weeks pregnant due to the stress of our less than ideal circumstances and the lack of family support. We didn't have a clue what we were doing.

DD was born, diagnosed with a life threatening heart defect at 14 days old, had emergency open heart surgery at 17 days old, in the following weeks she wouldn't drink anything so after she was discharged the longest we ever made it out of hospital was 11 days. She then got admitted to hospital at 11 weeks old for a long term NG tube, had a cardiac incident, ended up on the cardiac high dependency unit for a month while they tried to stabilise her and bring her weight up from 7lb to 10lb to minimise the chances of the second surgery killing her, and after a month just had to risk doing the surgery when she weighed around 9lb.
At this point me and DDs dad had tried to repair our relationship, but quite honestly it's pretty difficult to do that when you're both barely adults and one of you is battling pretty major undiagnosed mental health issues and also didn't particularly want the baby in the first place. And that's without the complication of a seriously ill baby, who wasn't even guaranteed life.

So he stuck around from when she was admitted to hospital, to just after her second open heart surgery, and then everything fell apart again and he left because he couldn't cope with the responsibility of a baby who was tube fed every 3 hours, and who had a total of 19 doses of medication across the course of the day.

In all honesty, if DD hadn't have been born, I would have been able to give ex the support he needed, and we would have probably stayed together but I couldn't. And his family certainly wouldn't. As a consequence of the lack of support, ex still struggles massively and cannot be around DD for a variety of reasons that I won't go into here because it's not relevent.

I'm happily married now, and DD is 10 and thriving but... That's why my relationship with her dad fell apart.

There is often real hardship that triggers the decline or end of a relationship.In the congenital heart defect community I've seen relationships fall apart because of the long term impact of life with children much sicker than my DD. I've seen relationships fall apart after a much loved child has passed away after the parents have fought so hard for months or even years to keep their precious child alive.

I'm not saying this because I'm bitter. I went through a horrific period of life, I hit rock bottom a few years ago, and then had therapy to come to terms with everything. It is what it is. DD is alive and thriving, she has an amazing stepdad and I count my blessings every day.

I just think it's important that you know that relationships often end because of real hardship and loss. It's not always just because people let themselves slip into a "roommate" phase.

RobertaFirmino · 05/05/2024 23:33

MyFirstLittlePony · 05/05/2024 23:24

well I think it is lovely

what sort of dressing up do you recommend?

Leeds Utd kit usually does it.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 05/05/2024 23:37

This thread belongs on the naivety corner together with:

  • my kids are always well behaved/never cause trouble- it's bad parenting
  • my husband doesn't watch porn/would never cheat
  • my mental health is perfect - people just need to get on with it/be more resilient
  • Everyone one benefits is scamming the system

Everyone's life has the potential to change in an instant due to circumstances outside their control. If life is good for you, be grateful, not smug.

FriedGold · 05/05/2024 23:44

Honestly once the baby can walk/run and talk/tantrum it’s a whole new ball game! Maybe you will be fine…it’s just unusual for your relationship to remain unchanged once you have a child.

sevenseasoftea · 05/05/2024 23:48

OP while it is great for you that things have been good since the birth of your baby it is still early days, you could have an easy baby but then have a lot of issues and difficulty when they get to two, three or four. Any stage might turn out to be difficult or your child could turn out to have SEN or be ND or have some other health issue or there could be difficult teen years. You could find this child so easy you have another one thinking you have it all sussed and are great parents and then the next could be difficult, won't sleep, won't be put down whatever.

I hope none of that happens it all keeps going well for you but its pretty naïve to be post as you have and assume everyone is the same or that it will always be the same for you. It comes across as smug and not very insightful.

Enjoy it now because life doesn't always go smoothly for anyone.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 05/05/2024 23:49

The OP didn't return

SHOCKER! 😏

cornflakegurl · 05/05/2024 23:51

Lol. Is this a joke? This sounds so smarmy

cornflakegurl · 05/05/2024 23:53

bluetopazlove · 05/05/2024 23:29

French maid might be nice she can then make the bed and do a bit of dusting after she entertains him .

Better still, do the hoovering whilst being thrusted

EmmyPankhurst · 05/05/2024 23:59

Oh dear OP. Naive++ or totally lacking in awareness.

I hope you never discover the things about parenthood that put a strain on relationships.

Even as a non parent I can think of a tonne off the top of my head. Do you never speak to your friends about their lives? Do you now know anyone with slightly older children?

Halfheadhighlights · 06/05/2024 00:00

Wow

jeaux90 · 06/05/2024 00:02

I got all dressed up for him coming to bed

JFC you are not a toy.

catscalledbeanz · 06/05/2024 00:10

Yes relationship's should be strengthened by babies.

Men should pull their weight.

Families should be able to afford childcare if they wish to work, and afford stay at home parenting if not.

Couples should have recognised one another's flaws and know enough of each other prior to having babies.

Society should be far far more supportive of parenthood and families/ mothers.

But really op- shoulda woulda coulda never helped anyone did it? Don't they say hindsight is always 20/20? There but for the grace of god go I?

WhatFlavourIsIt · 06/05/2024 00:14

Just wait until you have teenagers. The baby stage was tough but fuck me the teen years can push the strongest of relationships to the brink.

TruthorDie · 06/05/2024 00:17

I agree and we had twins. Both parties need to make an effort and not going to lie it’s tough. It’s all so draining, stressful and new. I was quite cut throat though and said from the off no point in me doing EVERYTHING on maternity as lm going back to work. Then l did after 6 months, after being offered an interesting promotion. Friends of mine got sucked into lots of nonsense like he never got up with the baby, she took 15 months maternity, no nights out for 2 years. Naaah not on my watch! All of that direct work for me and most likely wouldn’t work for my husband

Notmyuser · 06/05/2024 00:22

Hello98765 · 05/05/2024 22:39

Err, you’re less than a year in. I wouldn’t be bragging about anything just yet.

Exactly 😂

The first year is the easy bit. My 8 year old has a much bigger impact on my sex life now than she did at 1.

And don’t get me started on the toddler.

TruthorDie · 06/05/2024 00:27

Notmyuser · 06/05/2024 00:22

Exactly 😂

The first year is the easy bit. My 8 year old has a much bigger impact on my sex life now than she did at 1.

And don’t get me started on the toddler.

You dropped the T bomb! But yeah toddlers are something else. I shake my head and wish for the phase where you put children down then they don’t move. So no crawling or walking away

lighttheresomewhere · 06/05/2024 00:37

HighlandSpring85 · 05/05/2024 22:38

You got all dressed up for him coming to bed? .... vom.

Whys it vom to put on lingerie and look nice for your husband 😂 maybe that’s where people are going wrong

OP posts: