To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

😂😂😂😂 this is brilliant. Some women like it you know. It’s 2024 ffs.

See, ya just needed to slip into a sexy urse costume and give him a bj.

That's where you went wrong, clearly.m

P.s. 💐💐💐💐

relax yourself we were watching a movie

Would you like a medal?
1st prize for trying to make other women feel inferior at the hardest time of their life?
1st prize for being completely ignorant to what other women experienced giving birth, how they feel or how their relationships are?
1st prize for being completely narrow minded as to what men might want from their wives?

Why do you think ‘dressing up’ for your husband is what keeps you together? That’s quite sad.

oh for god sake the amount of people who are focusing on the lingerie thing. Me and DH both work full time, share the load with cooking etc, I just like to feel nice about myself and therefore get dressed up. I had anorexia as a teen so I am proud of how far I’ve come in being a healthy weight so it’s as much for me as it is him.

Thank you for the flowers, and for the good laugh this comment gave me 🤣

To be fair my ex was great with DC1 and I would have been pretty smug about it too. He did turn very abusive after DC2 as he couldn't really hide and leave everything to me anymore. I really hope your happiness lasts OP but there are many reasons relationships breakdown after children.

Oh Fgs. I have a lovely dh, it's not him it's the dc that are the issues. They are damn hard work.

My very first stealth boost!

Babies don't ruin relationships.

Husbands who pressure for sex do.

Husbands who think babies are women's work do.

Husbands who see a lack of sex as an excuse to cheat do.

Women who basically view the man is unneeded now she's grown his sperm do.

Having an already shit relationship does

Not talking and listening when one of you are struggling does.

Making baby the centre of everything well past the fourth trimester does.

Money worries that arise due to parenthood does.

Stress linked to having a sick or disabled child does.

DV does.

Affairs do.

The point is op, it's shockingly naive to sit there wise eyed and wonder how come other people's love isn't happy true love forever like yours. And I say that as someone happily married to a man who helped me get through a very poorly / mildly disabled firstborn and covid-era twins. We've done it hard core so no, I'm not jealous

Well in the worst cases, abusive men often reveal their dark side once a woman is trapped by pregnancy and a shared child. It's sadly common. Do you remember your midwife asking careful questions about your home life? They're trying to check you aren't stuck in an abusive relationship.

Then there are the men who are just selfish bastards and expect their life to carry on as before and don't help. That would cause me to fall out of love pronto, but many friends described that as just the way things are. Doesn't leave the mum feeling very romantic though I don't suppose.

Then there are families where it's just hard, for whatever reason. And maybe they haven't weathered hard times together before, so that's when they find out if they're solid and able to work through it together or not. But while things are being hard, even if their relationship is rock solid, sex probably isn't the first thing on their minds. Particularly if hard is things like PND or injuries from the birth where just lots of caring for each other is needed, not lingerie right now.

A dreamy post. Don’t mind me, I’m just wiping the grit from my eyes after another terrible night of arguing with DH for the thousandth time and still having to push through the day. It was nice to read a high fantasy story while DD is napping though😁

You're life's so great that you decided to come on mn to post about it?

Sure thing.

When he said that, did everyone clap?

Lmao, oh bless your wee heart. The ultimate cool girl.

And I say this as a woman in a very happy marriage with a man I adore, we survived our now 16yo daughter who didn't have a negative impact on our relationship at all, we have been exceptionally fortunate and blessed (and thankfully both of us have an appropriate number of brain cells each to realise that a large majority of families do not get as lucky as we did, so we don't need to post braggadocious faux "confused" posts wondering how on earth its possible that other relationships don't survive).

With allll of the above said, and no bitterness behind this at all as I am very happy: This is one of the most embarrassing, smug, masturbatory posts I've read on here in a looooong while. And you're only one year in to parenthood.

Well, technically you are saying that your marriage is still strong because you are dressing up with sexy clothes and still having a very active sex life.

No marriage should have only sex as a foundation or be the only reason to stay. What happens if someone gets chronically ill or depressed and can't have sex as often? Then he would see you as a roommate and leave? If you had had postnatal depression would your marriage still be going strong?

Now, I agree, a baby shouldn't break any marriage both it depends on circumstances and both people pulling their weight with the child and house duties. If all the responsibility falls only on one of them, the resentment can quickly pick up.

Funny, me and my OH’s conversation went more like this

Me - “We probably will disagree with so much more now that we are parents!”
Him - “Yep - but every relationship has arguments. We just can’t be too stubborn”

I’ve had a baby a few weeks ago and whilst my relationship is going well so far - and it’s only because we are both talking everything through and being open and very real and raw - and giving eachother time (as in he is giving me time to recover, doing a majority of house work etc - which I agree makes a man more attractive when they are being a hands in father), that things are OK. But we have caught ourselves disagreeing on more than we would as a couple without children. Small but personal stuff.

I find resentment and unsolved issues (which are so easy to rack up over the years) are the core to relationships falling apart and having a child really magnifies issues and even exposes beliefs or behaviours. For some it can bring up unknown childhood trauma. It can get very complicated.

Im glad things are going well and definitely hold onto that. When hard times do come, which they will, I hope that your love and desires for eachother and the child is strong enough to withstand it all.

I know lots of comments are saying that you are naive etc, but nothing is ever perfect. I think being in a relationship where you can be raw and honest with eachother and talk things out rationally and compromise is important.

Have you slept more than 4 hours a night on average, in multiple pieces, since baby was born? Surely you can imagine that if you haven’t, then it would be harder to be focussing on your relationship with your husband?
sex was still painful for me at 10 months and I had to use a dilator set to help recover from the stitches after the 3b tear so it was possible at all, can you understand why I might not have been focussed on having sex with my husband due to injury and pain?
was it really so hard to imagine other women’s birth recovery might look different to yours? And other babies might be more work than yours? I don’t think you could be much more naive than this post if you tried. And self centred- it is so self centred to be unable to even imagine other very common scenarios because they haven’t happened to you.

@lighttheresomewhere because you're appeasing him with sex, doesn't mean you've got a great relationship.

Fucking hell lol.

Are you always so insufferable and smug?

Who looks after your baby while you have date nights Op?

My husband and I love eachother and are a good team, it also doesn’t always correlate with what you have described.

We have had 2 refluxy babies who wouldn’t sleep lying flat. Been absolutely exhausted with severe sleep deprivation with both. My husband and I have been sleeping in shifts, because he is helpful. But it does mean the sex has gone as we literally aren’t free at the same time.

We have no local family to help with babysitting for a date night. Been incredibly lucky if we’ve even been able to properly celebrate our anniversary.

My 3 year old likes to hit me and throw things. i have to physically battle him to get dressed. You haven’t reached these stages yet. This is especially crap when you’re absolutely exhausted.

As the woman and the lower earner in the relationship, sometimes i feel a bit of natural resentment that my life has been a lot more impacted than his. My body has been destroyed by 2 pregnancies and 2 c sections. My career has also gone tits up, as well as my own personal finances, independence almost. As you’re the one that takes mat leave, the kid will always be clingier to you, and you get less personal space.

Also, try having a baby or toddler in lockdown. I thought having a baby in lockdown was shit, and i have the utmost respect for parents who had a toddler/3/4 year old who they couldn’t take out.

Having a helpful partner and a good sex life doesn’t mean everything is ok.

Aww, well done OP. Here’s your prize 🏅 you can pin it on your dress-up costume!

Does it fix the holes in your soul to be so smug and superior, or are you genuinely lacking in empathy, awareness, and imagination?

You have… one child 😂

OP have you ever heard the saying ‘there but for the grace of god go I’?