To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

OP @lighttheresomewhere I think it's nice that you are happy and have a happy home life. If you had stopped at the first paragraph and asked how other people find things it would be different but you were inviting mumsnetters to share their views. I think post baby if you have one who sleeps it's one thing but for example post baby for me I was hospitalised after due to an internal bleed, struggled to feed, and my husband lost his job. Life was extremely difficult. I didn't love him any less but it took longer than usual to get back to normal. Just be mindful that everyone's situation is different and if you have no2 it'll make life harder! Good luck to you!

The only posters who are getting responses from me are the ones being utterly spiteful for the sake of it. Plenty of posters - on this thread and many others - are happily tone deaf and completely oblivious. I don't care what they've posted.

I've not said anywhere that I'm above such things or anything like it, that's your projection. Likewise, you don't know what goes on in other people's lives either so I'm really not sure what your point is other than to have a pop at me.

Projection, really? So you've arrived on this thread merely to set those people who in your opinion need telling, straight? But if I say something about your posts, that's taking a pop, and projection. Got it. Carry on.

This is the issue with BPD

If something isn’t going exactly how you think and people aren’t responding how you want then getting angry is the go to response, instead of reading between the lines

I really think if you are reading this that you do get as much help as possible.
Really question and be aware as your child grows up that they might not do every single thing you want and really get to know your child. Not the child you think you have but the child who is a separate person to you. Are you able to allow them their own choices which might not be the choices you want them to make.

My mother never once allowed me to make a choice based on what I wanted.
By the time I was 16 I had moved out, married at 17 and went NC soon after for my own sanity

In 15 years time you will have a shell of a child who has to second guess everything they do and everything they say to stop you getting angry
My thoughts are with your dc in this situation.

I also think you need to really question the reality of your relationship with your dh and see it for what it is.
Is he sticking around because he loves you or is he there to watch you do the pick me dance and as soon as you stop he will move on

The more I think about what he said to you I cannot understand why you aren’t angry at the back handed compliment designed to keep you in your place.

Ok - lack of comprehension then if you prefer, it's kinder than suggesting that you tell lies for effect.

I'll post where and what I like, thanks, no need for your permission.

I don't understand how OP doesn't understand how individuals experience life differently? People bring different feelings, emotions, and life experiences to every stage of life. On top of that others may be dealing with bereavement, mental health difficulties, financial difficulties or homone imbalance to name but a few things that may effect your relationship.
I had major surgery a .onth after giving birth and my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few months later, these things had a huge impact on my relationship. My children are now teenagers, things are much smoother and my relationship with DH is much better. Relationships have natural ups and downs for everyone.

Ah, the irony. "I'll post what I like". But I'll point out to others that they cannot post what they like. "You tell lies for effect". Now that's what I call projecting.

I'm pretty fit for a 45 yo as well, Luxe,
however, I stayed child free and the way you put it to others is bollocks.
Sorry.

What on earth are you talking about?

This is like saying you don't understand why people find marathons difficult, five minutes in to your first run.

Have another one, OP, then come back and tell us how easy it is😂

why are so many posters gleefully telling OP to have a second child as it will definitely make things worse? (Reader, more challenging yes, but definitely not worse in almost all cases - most people love their family of four or more just as much as they loved having just the one)

where is this requirement to have more than one kid coming from anyway?

Those posts are weird.

where is this requirement to have more than one kid coming from anyway?

This, why would anyone encourage someone to do something when they know full well its twice as tough.

Can't say the convoluted language you attempt to communicate with makes sense, however the OP sounds to have a happier life at the moment than many on here and that's why she's getting so many catty responses.

Given you've only been married a year (not sure how long you were together beforehand?) and that there have been unfounded and untrue so you say allegations you were the OW, then I'm not surprised you are putting in maximum effort to keep your man!!

Your DH sounds like he was making a veiled threat IE "don't ever let us get into the roommate stage or you'll be history"

It's more joking than anything, babies don't stay babies forever and will change over time and this may bring more challenges, and the consideration that more children/children with different temperaments/any health issues for you or them/the juggle of more than one child will change things too. It's easy if you have one easy baby and are lucky in other ways, juggling more is generally harder and each new baby can bring new challenges, both good and bad. Everyone has a different experience of their first or subsequent babies for many reasons: finances, family support or lack of it, a supportive partner, adequate housing, birth injuries, the list is endless. I think OP is struggling in other ways (I hadn't read her last posts before posting) and trying to make herself feel better, I hope it works out for her.

She didn't disclaim them either. Where are you getting the fact that wanted to exclude every other possibility than her own unique situation. And can you tell us what her unique situation is? All we know is she has a baby and a loving husband. Do you mean she doesn't know why anyone who has a baby and a loving husband have relationships go to shit. Does this even make sense to you?

Oh the usual "hit a nerve" and trite sound bites mean nothing. Just makes the poster sound superior in their own mind.

@JudgeJ

Whether or not she has a happier life is debatable. But she has come on here to boast about her life that she perceives to be happier…

And it remains unclear as to why, when it’s obvious the general populace of MN has its head up its arse and it running on fumes.

EasternEcho

Oh the usual "hit a nerve" and trite sound bites mean nothing. Just makes the poster sound superior in their own mind.

Quite. And the thing is that the OP's self-congratulatory tone may well have "hit a nerve" with someone who doesn't feel things went smoothly for them, especially when she suggests they may be "going wrong" somewhere.
I don't think hitting a nerve is something to crow about if it really has hurt someone.

Well done, you have successfully made a better life for yourself.

Can you not imagine how some people in your position may have felt a bit more hopeless? Or who worked hard to get a degree but didn't lead to a decent job. Who took a payday loan to make ends meet and then got sucked onto debt. Or fell pregnant and had to give up work?
Your attititude is appalling. Claiming to not read news is not an excuse.

You can take a similar approach to almost anything.

I have so many friends, how can anyone be lonely?

I have so much confidence, why are people so weird and shy?

I’ve achieved all of my goals, why are other people so lazy?

It’s just a striking lack of imagination and empathy. You do you though, OP. I hope for your sake that the good times in lingerie continue till the end of your days.

I'm guessing op has long gone now, but BPD can cause absolute havoc in relationships (I'm a fellow sufferer) so I suspect there's an element of bravado. Often bpd sufferers struggle with fear of abandonment and coupled with her anorexia, I'd suggest this post is less of a brag and more of a need to feel validated.

That said op, seeking validation from strangers on the internet is a wildly dangerous thing to do if you struggle with BPD. Much better to do the STEPPS program, recognise your triggers and enjoy your baby and the support of a living husband.

Sorry @lighttheresomewhere loving, not living.

I think that was excellent well thought out advice. And I love your user name.

She literally didn’t say ANY of what you’re making out she’s said? Are you okay, you’re reading so much into what she’s said. You are so sensitive! The irony of suggesting I’m making assumptions when you’re literally doing the same! I don’t think MN is the place for you if you’re getting so upset over a woman sharing her happy experience!

This! And the irony is that that bitterness provides a good indication of why those people's relationships might be strained...