To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

@Jumpingthruhoops I think you need to read the OPs other posts.

I don't think there is that much good fortune on her relationship.

Lots of arguing about his first lot of DCs though.

I'm not sure who OP is trying to convince what a wonderful relationship she has.

Herself, possibly.

So because so many can't cope no0one is allowed to say they're happy?

There's a big difference between saying you're happy and basically saying that if other people aren't it is their fault and they should just try harder.

it's a total lack of empathy and understanding.

I don't disagree with you, SoupDragon, it was a misguided post for whatever reason but the anger is quite intense and widespread on this thread. It's not nearly as vitriolic on threads about finances, house-buying, dieting... all really the same finger-wagging and just as irritating I would have thought?

I cringed when I read it but I don't feel badly that I don't share OP's regimen; I have my own haphazard methods that I pick my way through. Nobody would want to know about them but I can promise that nobody would feel 'less than' if they did either.

@JudgeJ

Many people come onto MN and say “just wanted to share I’ve had some amazing news, I’ve got a new job, house, I’m pregnant, I’m in an amazing place with my relationship, I’m engaged” all manner of lovely, positive, happy posts that are responded to well.

What they don’t do is come on and say my life is great and I really don’t understand why other people can’t just get it together…. Which is the jist of the original post. With a big dollop of sexism (ie women should really put more effort into taking responsibility for their entire relationship and do everything to make their big man happy).

As @SoupDragon said

There's a big difference between saying you're happy and basically saying that if other people aren't it is their fault and they should just try harder.
**
it's a total lack of empathy and understanding.

Op I know you've flounced from the thread now but next time you're thinking of making one maybe think of the reasons why you're posting? Plenty of people gave you personal insight into their circumstances and you have not responded to a single one. You posted a deliberately goady and faux naive thread and then got annoyed at people for not responding how you'd like. How did you want people to respond? Just validation of how you've got a great relationship? Because it doesn't seem like you genuinely wanted to learn anything about other people's experiences.

Babies don’t ruin relationships. What ruins relationships after a baby arrives is men, who don’t seem to do their share of the parenting and domestic labour, lack of support for mothers and crazy expectations that are put on mothers. It is mostly men though and their reluctance to pull their weight.

Actually given what people say and how they act or react we do know what someone’s future holds.

When you see people doing or saying something time and time again and you see where it leads, it shouldn’t come as a complete surprise what is in store for someone who says/does the same thing

Add in the mix an ex with children and the speech her dh gave her being taken as some sort of praise and not the controlling threat it was, together with her BPD potential diagnosis and you don’t have to have a crystal ball that she is setting herself up for it all to blow up in her face

i have been around a few women who boast about their perfect marriage and perfect children and then you find out later the dh is shagging around and the dc go off the rails

I sometimes think it is because they know deep down things aren’t right but so want it to be that saying it is perfect to anyone and the universe will make it true

Incredibly ignorant and naive post and I would say that your husbands comments showed the problematic attitude that many men show which actually leads to all the issues in the first place! Thanking you for "making sure we didn't lose us".

If your libido hadn't returned or sex was painful or you had had PPD sounds like he would have seen it like you were just choosing not to bother to put effort in.

The difference between now and years ago is principally that women are now the main instigators of divorce. This is often because women are less and less tolerant of male behaviour and men who don't pull their weight. The statistics are clear - even though many women now work outside the home, they still have to do most of the stuff in it.

I think this is why people have reacted so badly.

I'm happy, my husband is a good man, we have a happy marriage and a fairly easy child. But if I just randomly tell people that and then say "so why aren't you, it's so simple", people are going to be mad at me.

And the fact is that it's not simple. We put the work in to make it all as good as it is. And what works for me wouldn't work in 95% of other relationships. Because everyone is different.

And that's why the OP is getting flamed. Because she's basically said "you're all shit at this and should be like me".

Did anyone pick up this previous thread of the Op’s?

Where her relationship with her DH sounds far from rosy!!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5064554-bringing-up-exs-family?postsby=lighttheresomewhere

@nootcoffee and only 6 days before the smug post too! The lady's smug post really irritated me , as did her partners 'comments' - the implication being keep it up with the dressing up and sex love in order for there to be an 'us' - wonder if the previous wife dropped the ball a bit on that.

So many reasons relationships can be very hard going at that stage and dependent on the baby, partner, health, jobs, money, other family.

@nootcoffee whoops, busted! Well, pride comes before a fall and all that

Incredibly daft of the op to start this thread without name changing

and now…. looks like an utter tool 😆

@nootcoffee oh dear , how sad never mind - maybe folks need to think before putting up posts designed to make struggling mums not feeling 'in the mood' or with partners not pulling their weight feel like shit

They shouldn't but they can make it harder.

Post natal depression, less money, sleep deprivation, less time together.

I was exactly like you op. Had ivf was both living in pure bliss the first year. Then my dd hit 2 years old. Stopped sleeping through, money got tight, me and oh were constantly shattered & eventually dd would only sleep in bed with us….sex life killer. Hardly any support, our relationship went from being the strongest it had been to going to complete shit within 3 years, hope it’s not the case for you but it’s not hard to understand.

We had an horrendous time when my son was first born. We were sleeping in 6 hour shifts due to the baby not sleeping. We didn't have time for sex or date nights. We did however make time to keep talking about how we felt and always tried to understand each other. Even during my postnatal depression.

That is what has made us stronger than ever. But with all that plus our own personal struggles I can fully understand why some relationships go to shit. Relationships take hard work. Hard work that not everyone has the energy for once a baby comes along. There were definitely times I considered running away.

Are you always this condescending toward people who don’t share your misery?

I am when the poster says something so antagonistic. Lots of relationships break down after babies. It’s hard being tired all the time, lack of support, isolation etc. lots of factors no matter how hard a couple try. No need for OP to be so deliberately goady. Snide post.

I’m not one of the people who had a relationship breakdown after a baby but if I was, OPs mean spirited and smug little post (I didn’t let us ‘lose us’, I can’t understand how people let this happen) might have come across as rather unpleasant. Nothing to do with me wallowing in misery (I’m not in the slightest) - not sure where you are petting that from! Very happy and able to show others empathy. Something lacking in OPs post. Go pick her up on not kicking people when they are down, becauseI’m not the arsehole here.

On reading this back I’m actually rather impressed with how reserved and measured my reply was. Off to sleep peacefully and sure of my response.. Hope that helps.

Also looks like you didn’t get very far into the thread if this post of mine was the post you took issue with.

Setlle in. You might want to make some popcorn.🍿

Don’t they say ‘babies make a weak marriage weaker and a strong marriage stronger’

Without meaning to piss on your parade they also say first year of a second baby is the toughest on a marriage (which I found to be true). Fine if no more children planned but just beware.
We did weather it though.