To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

Welcome to MN.

Gosh, you've been on Mumsnet 2 days and already joining up has made you so angry.

Perhaps MNHQ should give away free blood pressure monitors.

Fucking hell, some of your other posts were tone deaf but this one is absolutely beyond that. I also grew up in a council estate & have done far better than most from the estate & I know exactly why I was able to achieve the education & career that I did before I was in a car accident & became pretty much bedbound & I know why not everyone can do the same.

Theres numerous, numerous reasons why some can’t ‘just get themselves out’. Some kids off the estate were made to shoplift by their parents to get clothes, food, school supplies, school uniform etc & ended up in young offenders/care.

There were people that were groomed by gangs & badly abused & supplied with drugs to make them easier to pass round so ended up heroin addicts & prostitutes.

There were those that had to leave school without GCSEs because their parents needed them to help support the household so they got trapped into minimum wage jobs & have tried to work their way up as best they can but not everyone has the capabilities for more senior roles.

There were those that didn’t have the intellect to be able to pass GCSEs let alone go to Uni, there’s are those that couldn’t manage the finances to afford Uni etc etc etc etc etc

The way you think is genuinely mind boggling

I'm glad it wasn't just me. That sort of shit should come with a trigger warning😂

You have a very easy baby/maternity nurse/nanny. Your experience is not the norm.

It also implies that she'll lose him if she doesn't smile and open her legs whenever he wants (another thing that makes this read like a man's writing).

Some people's whole lives are about their family and relationships and that's great for them, but honestly it would drive me insane to have my whole existence about pleasing two other people (and I don't think it's healthy for them either in many ways). I would much rather be about "how can I help someone escape domestic violence" than "what underwear will please my partner tonight, let me spend six hours on the internet finding the best thing." Luckily my partner feels the same.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 womp womp you really thought you did something with that.

lipo suction is for sculpting and contouring my dear, not weight loss. 😘

Good one 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hmm this cannot be real surely 🤔

I visit MN infrequently now, and only for the occasional bit of light entertainment (I tend only to read original posts). I might reply if I'm feeling mischievous, in order to pull the chain of the 'all men are bastards' brigade.
Remember you're posting with random strangers, many of whom you'd relentlessly avoid in RL. Just use the site with that in mind - read, laugh and go.

Have to agree with this. The problem is not the baby, it's the parents not being a team and taking out their frustrations and tiredness on each other. It's a huge life change, and 'just adapting' overnight is difficult, sometimes impossible. Expectations needs to be realistic.

What’s vom about it? Presumably she wanted to so what’s the problem?

The OP and her husband are only 11 months into the rollercoaster journey of parenthood. They've a lot to learn yet.

The OP is being diagnosed with BPD and has suffered with anorexia, can't we just give her the benefit of the doubt based on that?

OP you just have to accept that people find different things difficult for different reasons. I had a baby with ASD and dyspraxia, obviously I didn't know that when he was a baby but it made things incredibly difficult. He never slept for more than an hour at a time for the first two years. I tore badly and the doctors were deciding after I gave birth whether I needed to go to the operating theatre - which they decided against in the end. I couldn't sit down comfortably for a very long time.

I think when you tell people you've had an amazing time with something you need to understand that not everyone's experiences will be the same, and suggesting that you cannot understand why without giving it any real thought/research is going to illicit a strong response on here. People are irritated because to them this is obvious and many of them have been through very difficult experiences with childbirth/babies/relationships.

As an aside, do you find it difficult to put yourself in other people's shoes? Do you find it difficult to understand/empathise with what someone has been through unless you've been through it yourself?

BPD is often undiagnosed autism in women and from what you've posted I'm wondering if that could be what is going on here.

I think you are being judged a bit unfairly OP. I retrospectively recognise the massive change having a baby brings to sense of self and I definitely lost me (and us) for a few years. Being aware of it and taking steps to counter it is smart. Hope you guys continue to be happy.

Well, yes, but that sounds a bit like it’s inevitable that it will all go sour and that’s not guaranteed any more than her perfect life is guaranteed.

I think the poster was certainly unreasonable to not “get” relationships going wrong, but it’s also equally unreasonable not to “get” happy relationships.

Long May it continue for her - it’s what we would all hope for for ourselves and our children - but maybe a bit more humility would have reduced the pile on.

Some of the responses on here are quite scary… Maybe I’m wrong but it did seem like a genuine question! I’ve not had kids but I’d always naturally assumed a baby would bring a couple closer but obv that isn’t always the case so I’ve been curious to ask those who’ve had children why so I can understand better the strain having a baby can have on a relationship… I don’t think that’s a crime to ask 😬 xx

I'm old now, but I'm so glad I didn't read the OP when I was a new mother, it would have made me feel ten times worse.

You’re very lucky! Enjoy

I’m all for making mn a more positive place but I don’t know what people are meant to say to a post - this doesn’t read like an aibu to be so relieved, it reads like an aibu to not understand how everyone can’t be like us? And the answer isn’t that their relationship doesn’t match up, or that they’ve a shit partner, or they’re not capable etc etc, but you can’t help if people are finding it difficult are reading that into it. And op it really is great it’s just the phrasing for me

It’s ’women support women’ until a woman is having a great and happy time in new motherhood. I don’t think OP meant ‘having a baby should be easy’ full stop. I read it as she was sharing her experience of having a supportive partner who helps her feel like herself and helps her remember that she isn’t just ‘mum’ now, but also an individual woman with her own desires and also a wife too.

I must read millions of posts on MN about women who have shit husbands who are basically man children, yet they’re reluctant to leave them or give their partners ultimatums to change. If you have a healthy baby and are mentally healthy with a partner who shares the load, there’s no reason having a baby shouldn’t be an ‘easier’ ride. I didn’t read anywhere in the OP’s post that postpartum illness, mental health, infant sickness etc don’t exist. This is purely her experience, or are MNers only allowed to share their experience of motherhood if it’s negative?

Every relationship is different . We’ve been married 30 years. We’ve been pushed to breaking point with our eldest as he’s autistic and has very severe challenging behaviour. However it has definitely made us stronger as a couple. Sex isn’t a big thing for us really. It’s great when it happens but if it doesn’t happen it’s not a big deal either. the room mate phase? I’m assuming this means n9 sex? . That seems a silly phase in a marriage because if your marriage can’t survive because of a lack of sex then it’s not much of a marriage!

All my kids are young adults and I love too see the bond all our kids have with their dad, and it does make me love him more.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe if the OP doesn't want to be prodded perhaps she shouldn't be so stupid as to still keep coming back for more?