To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

AIBU to think it shouldn’t be difficult to find a great life partner?

I just downloaded Tinder one afternoon when I felt like I was ready and I’m now happily married to the first person I swiped on. What’s the big deal? I really don’t get what other women are bleating on about.

The fact you call him “hubby” says all I need to know.

I manage to stay perfectly toned and sculpted without liposuction. I can’t possibly imagine for any reason why anyone couldn’t. 🤔

I think people have issue with the phrase your husband used….

If he said, “I’m so glad we still have a great relationship and sex life after the baby,”that would be one thing.

But, he said, “Thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us,” which puts all the onus on you being the good little woman and dressing up in saucy gear, and zero onus on him putting in any effort whatsoever. It also frames sex as being the main basis upon which your relationship is built; while a healthy sex life is important, it shouldn’t be the absolute fundamental aspect.

It’s also problematic that you are giving the exemplar of dressing up in lingerie as an example of being a good wife/female in a relationship…. It really isn’t necessary, if that is what works for you and your relationship, great, but don’t impose this upon other people because it isn’t a prerequisite or important in the majority of relationships. Furthermore, personally I think women should get dressed up for themselves if they wish, but to dress up for a male partner is a bit 1950s.

Finally, by gloating in the manner you have, you’ve disregarded the very many women who may have post birth issues entirely out of their control such as - vaginal tear, caesarean recovery, PND etc that may get in the way of sex. And the very many couples who may have issues after having a baby such as disabled/ND baby, money issues, change in other family dynamics and so forth.

OP, you are very, very early days with only one child. When you have successfully reared 2-3 to adulthood without any impediment on your relationship, then you come back and tell us all how you did it. To assume that your relationship will continue to go on unchanged without growth is naive.

Please don’t try to castigate other women or bring them down for expressing how they feel when problems arise early on. If you have had plain sailing so far great, but there will be challenges at some point so don’t take it for granted that you will always have time or energy to continue performing for your husband as you have been.

Agree with this!

Perhaps look at why you need to prod about something that really isn't ok to prod. What is wrong with you that you need to do that?

OP hasn't posted back, I hope she doesn't. Not least because it will make you crosser not to be able to lash out again.

This.

Nothing Vom about it I agree but dressing up for your husband is a bit 1950’s!

I already know this thread is a complete bin fire but getting the ride doesn’t mean your relationship is a success, does it?

I would feel intensely patronised if my husband thanked me not ‘losing time for us’ and he was talking about sex! Bloody hell. That’s the least effortful thing I do to keep this show on the road.

What about all the other - actually important - things that I do/ he does to keep our relationship strong?

I had a loving husband who did 50 50, an easy baby who slept and was financially comfortable when we had our first child. I also has PND. That was fun! Even if I had not had it, having a baby is a big life adjustment. So even if you have the perfect relationship, its not going to be the same anymore. Some people struggle with that. Life will bring its ups and downs and luckily, we have survived it all and are still together, 30 years later, and are finding that the passion and fireworks we had when we were in our 20s with no cares have come back. I am very happy, bloody lucky, but it doesn't mean things have been easy all the time. It is the bad times that make you see what you really have in a partner. Mine has made mistakes (as have I) but he is true as gold.

Quite.
I'm perfectly toned and sculpted naturally too. And very slim.
Thank goodness I've no need to know anything about liposuction.

How is it? If that’s the type of thing that works for their relationship, and her husband does something equally as indulgent for her in return, what’s the issue?

Perfect posts, @strangewomenlyinginponds .

I'm glad that things have gone well for you but I think your post shows a lack of empathy.

You've had your own challenges. It might give you some insight into why people are finding this thread upsetting if you can imagine how you would feel about someone asking how is it possible that you struggled with X,Y or Z, when they sailed through that particular challenge.

It is a shame for the families involved, when couples pull apart, rather than work together and end up with a deeper relationship as a result. But I can definitely see how it happens, you are very lucky! Perhaps not the most tactful post 😂

Hopefully for a lot of the relationships which are "worse" short-term, long-term they will be better. Surviving shared hardship, joint memories, perspectives changed the same way, common current day interests (such as interest in their grandchildren).

I would question why your husbands first marriage did not work out?? Perhaps his first wife was not as great and as attentive as you are. Your husbands comment suggests his first wife was more like the rest of us, which he had no tolerance of. A massive red flag for me regarding the future.

OK, I think the OP gets the point. She's been clear both here and elsewhere that she has really serious mental health issues so maybe time to stop hounding her? I imagine the thread was indeed to make herself feel better and while I don't think that was a good idea I do think people could have more sympathy for why someone with suspected BPD - an illness where 75% of sufferers make at leady one suicide attempt - might want to do that.

I think it very much depends on the baby. Try getting a baby with colic, that cries all day long even when being held and waking multiple times in the night.....doubt your honeymoon phase would last. Some babies can be very challenging....we have had 3 and our first was the most challenging crying all the time, even when walking her in the stroller (most babies fall asleep in the stroller!). I never once got to sit in the cafe w my baby sleeping in her stroller etc. Did not realise until after having baby two, that she must have had bad reflux (she spat up a lot) and my second one was happy to sleep in the stroller when I took him for walks, slept when I had coffee in the cafe or when we went for lunch etc. Much easier baby. Third was also easy. It just depends on the baby. And some babies can be easy, but then become difficult toddlers etc. Also, depends on dh...some are hands on and some hands off.

Your post comes off as boastful and naive.

And he's already failed it once - she's posted about his ex, his other children, and their arguments before.

@GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour

I agree with this, it is entirely like someone saying to OP, “I am able to eat 3 balanced meals a day with no issue, I really don’t get what your problem is” and putting this assertion publicly on an internet forum to gloat about it making the anorexic OP feel worse.

Shows lack of empathy, insight and decorum.

The fact is, on MN many will post for advice when they are at their lowest ebb which is why you see a lot of negative posts regarding how relationships change after having a baby and typical problems encountered.

People who don’t have problems aren’t posting because they are out there enjoying life and don’t have need to post. Amazingly, they don’t feel the need to boast and put down a bunch of vulnerable women either.

@Catsmere

prize catch 🎣

Imo when some men say kids have ruined a relationship or like your case "thank you for not losing us" they really mean "thank you for not totally prioritising the baby over me"

Which is fine if that works for you. But tbh when my DC came along they were and are first and centre in my life which naturally resulted in me feeling touched out, knackered, mentally drained, I also had PND, so our relationship just went on the back foot.

Children don't ruin relationships, ever. What ruins relationships is the expectation that things will be the same as before.

🤮
Nothing more, nothing less.

I would be very careful about posting about this - I had a very very easy baby , an awkward 2 to 3 year old and a nightmare 12 to 15 year old teen (who was so much better at 18 plus)