To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

Vile, LordSnot, but it will be gone.

I don't even have kids and have never "dressed up" my any man to go to bed.
obviously doing woman wrong again

Whys it vom to put on lingerie and look nice for your husband 😂 maybe that’s where people are going wrong

We're in our 50's. My partner would have to have the big light on and wear his glasses just to see how to undo the fasteners.

Kind of spoils the mood?

dailesque, why does what another woman does threaten you and so many other women so much? Who cares really? Wear what you want, do what you want, you're not answerable or accountable for it.

I find your 'doing woman wrong again' comment sad but I know what you mean. We're NOT doing it wrong, whatever we do.

I agree with this. I am childfree and at an age where most people in my circle have had their babies, so I’m not around many new babies/new mothers. But I can 100% understand pregnancy/childbirth/newborn days, I can understand ‘difficult’ babies, sleep deprivation, money worries and the ‘state’ of the house, I know some women feel terrible about themselves in those days, I know some have mental health issues, I know some men become abusive or start affairs in pregnancy and during the first year of a babies life, I know some men turn out to be absolutely useless and leave everything to the woman who feel absolutely alone and overwhelmed, I know there are other factors like family which can cause issues in those days as well. I would’ve thought the new mum of a baby would definitely understand or have heard of those issues more than me.

When the husband is wearing lacy see through pants for her sexual stimulation, you'll have a point. Until then it's just the same old patriarchal objectifying bollocks it's always been.

Why does OP feel the need to tell us that's what she's done? Do what you like in the bedroom but if you tell people, they're going to have some sort of reaction and it might not be good.

However. It's the follow up from OP saying that's where other women are "going wrong" that has pissed people off.

The thing about Mumsnet is, people who really are living their best lives aren't fucking here because in what universe would someone with anything better to do be on here reading drivel like the OP's disingenuous wide-eyed "question", penis beakers etc? We're here because we have a problem (or several!) and need advice/support, or because we are bored/in need of distraction/amusement/validation and for whatever reason are not currently in a position to get it any way more wholesome or fulfilling than the phone at the end of our arm.

So I have a lot more time for the people who are upfront about the shortcomings of their lives that have inevitably led them here, than the ones who try and get that required validation by pretending they have it all sussed and pissing on everyone else's chips. "I just can't THINK why babies don't bring every couple closer" - really? You can't think? Maybe ask his ex love. You know, the mother of the kids he sees twice a month.

You are reading in additions to OPs posts that she didn't write and blaming posters for reacting for what she did write. Her opening and concluding statements clearly indicate that she doesn't understand how anybody... and in the middle she congratulates herself for catering to her husbands needs.

If what another woman does in her own life can piss you off so much then that's all about you, not her. The first post was transparently obvious; either goady or boastful to provoke a reaction and she didn't disappoint.

There are so many threads with women telling other women- quite unsolicited - where 'they're going wrong'. What's special about this one? Possibly the 'perfectness of OP's life'. It grates but only an idiot would a) believe it and b) take it as a jibe at them. This is a blooming chatboard not a counselling session.

Looking at the speed and type/content of responses this is a catnip thread full of posters desperate to lash out because they're not happy in their own skin.

Nobody's life is perfect.

You’re focussing on that. You didn’t address anything else in my post. You made a goady and trolly post and have flounced when people picked your post apart. You can’t come on and criticise new mothers then try and clutch onto your mental health issues as a defence when people criticise you.

People respond to the other threads where they're tone deaf and telling people where they're going wrong in exactly the same way.

Also, OP made this post to project how perfect her life is, not much less than a month after a thread about a massive argument with her DH regarding his ex and their two kids. So actually, she knows exactly how relationships breakdown after kids, because she's the second wife and a step mother, following the breakdown of the first.

Sorry you don't know how people are struggling financially? Any of them? In the midst of a catastrophic global economic downturn? Really?? Do you read, bro?

Aaaaalso I guess if you just asked the question in the spirit of scientific enquiry ("I see a lot of threads on MN about people struggling to make ends meet and I was wondering about what the various factors are that have led to them being in this position") you'd get far less of the acerbic responses than you might if you prefaced this with "for context, the butler just cleared away the remains of my swan fois gras and my 50-inch plasma is being licked clean by 100 Persian kittens right now so I thought I might as well kill some time finding out how the other half live while I wait for cocktail hour".

Adieu, mon amie! 🙋‍♀️

@NCprivatelife - I am sure there are MNers who are living their best lives and on MN. I am one of them.

Well good for you. Despite the aforementioned hurdles some people have I.e disability/illness. Yes, there’s no reason we can’t all be slim? It’s a matter of whether we can be arsed to. So thanks for proving my point 😂

Or women who have seen this type of thing play out many times and can see it isn’t going to end well

If you'd actually read some of the cost of living threads you would know that not everybody is struggling financially. It's a fact of life that people have differing amounts of money available. It's been said by several posters also that it's necessary for the high earners to keep spending as it props the economy up.

It does, I can see that. I can't afford everything I want but that doesn't mean that I will start slating those who can and that I won't give to the food banks when I'm able.

This thread has hit home because it's mostly focused on the things that women want to feel good about. No psych needed, it's obvious, but lashing out isn't going to change anyone's individual situation. Does make them sound very spiteful though.

The key to being pig ignorant and utterly without understanding of wider factors, or the slightest glimmer of empathy?

If that is the case then why does there need to be so many guillotine-knitters willing it on to fail?

Nobody knows what is in anybody else's future. I can say that I hope every woman here has a happy and fulfilled lives but it would sound glib and I don't have the power. I wouldn't though wish predict failure.

Do we really need to do that, any of us?

But she didn’t write ‘I don’t understand how people with children with disabilities, those with mental illnesses/physical illnesses etc have a hard time’ - she’s obviously writing it from her perspective, and her perspective is lacking in other challenging elements? I just think you’re reading way too much into this, I guess it must have really hit a nerve!

I find your 'doing woman wrong again' comment sad but I know what you mean. We're NOT doing it wrong, whatever we do.

I was making a joke, don't worry. I'm old enough and ugly enough not to give a shit anymore, however, I am aware enough to know that there are women, on here and in real life, who do think that they should be doing the whole sex,kitten thing. That makes me sad because men don't do that.

That's not the point. Whether you are struggling or not, would you say you don't have a clue how anyone else could be struggling? If your relationship after a child is marvellous, can you really not understand how anyone else's may not be?

You have made your point about OP not needing a point to make a post. Nor do those who are posting a response. You say you are above such things, and wouldn't rise to the bait, but clearly it is affecting some people, and if you don't judge OP, you shouldn't judge those who are replying either. You don't know what's gone on in their lives, or from what place they are responding from.

Got you. I don't disagree with what you say either. I think that many women don't see themselves as 'prizes' in the same way that nearly ALL men do believe themselves to be, hence the titivation from women.