To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

You're not wrong!

Absolutely no issue with it as long as she’s doing it for herself too and not just to look nice for her husband !

I think the OP is quite young.
45 here, child free.
People change. 😊

"I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies"

This was OP's statement. Do you really think anyone who claims to understand why anyone else's relationship after babies can be affected by a million different factors is being genuinely naive? Or is it feigned ignorance? This is like multi-billionaires going about saying "I genuinely don't understand how anyone can be complaining about cost of living".

I read it as case specific tbh. Like the OP was saying “for those in the same set up as me, I don’t understand how X”. Not “I don’t ever understand how it happens”

• think people have issue with the phrase your husband used….

If he said, “I’m so gladwestill have a great relationship and sex life after the baby,”that would be one thing.

But, he said, “Thankyoufor making sure we didn’t lose us,” which puts all the onus on you being the good little woman and dressing up in saucy gear, and zero onus on him putting in any effort whatsoever. It also frames sex as being the main basis upon which your relationship is built; while a healthy sex life is important, it shouldn’t be the absolute fundamental aspect.*

Yes this was my immediate thought that the onus was on her to make sure the relationship didn't flounder. I mean what was 'hubby' doing to ensure this too? Any romantic gestures on his behalf?

Lasagne and chips!? When I have lasagne, I have it with air. And my lasagne is also made out of water btw. My children Thimoteé and Narcissia much prefer it that way. They’re always saying “mama, can’t we have your famous lasagne tonight?” And I have to say “only if the nanny will make it darling”.

@Rookangaroo4 yes hopefully that’s the case. Not that I can really talk on the matter considering I wear a stained silk bonnet and hair rollers every night with an eye mask and eeyore pyjamas…

And what is op's set up? She didn't mention anything beyond her dh is a good dad.

For everyone who feels op is genuine, why has she not responded to any of the genuine responses she's received? She hadn't read a single woman's story and thought about their struggles.

If she was genuine she would have responded to them.

She’s likely feeling a bit silly now, knowing she hasn’t considered lots of other factors!

I guess I assumed her set up was a decent, supportive husband and dad who also helps keep their relationship alive and kicking! I just don’t think I read it as negatively as lots of other posters did.

To add,
if I want to be harsh, I see a lot of BS and red flags.
Sorry.

But we only know that from a different post OP made, she has t told us that here. It's safe to assume most people don't go back and read all of an OPs previous threads prior to commenting. They comment based on what was said here.

If OP had said "AIBU to feel really lucky that I'm supported by my DH with our lovely, easy child while awaiting a diagnosis of BPD and other difficult life events" the responses would have been different. What she has said is "I still shag my husband after having a baby and if all women did that, relationships would survive".

Ha ha yeh. We don’t even sleep in the same room so I go to bed on whatever I grab out of the drawer 😂. My lucky lucky husband 😂

She has posted about being assessed for BPD on this thread (admittedly after someone else brought it up based on another thread). I'm just going to post a bit from the NHS page on BPD, which I think should make everyone a bit more sympathetic to why OP feels the need to post about how she's getting it all right in her relationship:

'Many people with BPD seem to be stuck with a very rigid "black-white" view of relationships. Either a relationship is perfect and that person is wonderful, or the relationship is doomed and that person is terrible. People with BPD seem unable or unwilling to accept any sort of "grey area" in their personal life and relationships.'

Sorry I guess this hit a nerve with me and I posted something a bit ungracious earlier. OP, there is nothing wrong with making a fuss of your husband and having an easy baby. I am sorry you have had some other problems in your life. I'd ask for this thread to be deleted. I've been flamed before and it feels awful. But it is just a lot of people behind keyboards not realising that they are hurting a real human being. Take care.

Doesn't stop you being able to see what other people are going through though. Or, in fact, accept other people telling you their experiences without being rude back.

People know they're having a baby. They have no idea what kind of baby, how it will affect them, how completely and fundamentally it will changed their life. There is no way to know.

You sound just as tone deaf as you are accusing the OP of being.

Be as 'blessed' as you like, someone else standing in the sun doesn't block it for you, does it?

This whole board is full of women boasting about something or other. They don't need pulling down for everything. Nobody HAS to give a response in down-manship either, it's up to posters if they do but engaging and railing takes from you, nobody else.

@Josette77

OP has a history of mental health, and this relationship is a bit complicated (if she’s posted about his children from a previous relationship and their arguments before).

It’s likely this night with her husband left her feeling on a much needed high and she was feeling self satisfied… it should have stopped there, but she needed external validation for her feelings and to be further bolstered to feel good - so she made the grave error of posting on MN.

Posters seeing the situation for what it is and her behaviour in posting as lacking in empathy and inappropriate, will have probably left her feeling angry and frustrated that she didn’t get the response that she wanted, and she’ll now probably have increased anxiety and doubt regarding her relationship now and in future.

Be careful what you post about your own lives people.

I don't think ANY posters are always genuine and why the hell should OP respond back? To get another kicking? If she has any sense, she won't be back, she said she was going to leave upthread.

Ok? What’s your point? 😂

So in all seriousness what do you think the OP's post was looking for? What,exactly, is the question?

She's had lots of posts telling her why some people aren't donning the lingerie and making sure they and the husband "don't lose us" 🤮 - everything from birth injuries to hormone issues to abuse to PND - and shes given zero response to or reflection on any of that. She's only come back to say how bitter and mean everyone is, so jealous of meeeeeeeee. She only made this post to brag, belittle and attention seek. Not to learn or ask anything.

My point is when I was growing up I saw a large person once and thought “nah not for me” so I made sure I stayed slim. Obviously I can eat whatever I like and not gain a pound and my body is naturally toned and sculpted, but I can’t for the life of me work out why everyone else can’t do it too, why would they choose that life for themselves, it’s mind boggling.

OP doesn't need to have a point to post here. There would be posts only about cat litter and rose bushes if that were the case. OPs don't owe anybody anything and if you 'take the bait' to post, that's down to you.

Nobody posts on AIBU to 'learn'. It's an absolute bear pit in the main chock full of posters who don't like to read of anyone's life going in a way that theirs isn't, not unless they've mastered the act of faux-humble in an acceptable way.