To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

I think you're competing with the ex wife. I think you're trying to 'prove' you're the best wife he's had.

Did he spin you a line about how she changed after having children?

I would focus on improving your confidence and stop judging life by how happy your man is. It's all making sense now!

Again - complete bullshit but this is a hilarious take 😂 my husband isn’t a mad sex fiend, if anything I have a higher drive than him.

You’re only 11 months in 🤣 I wouldn’t get too cocky just yet OP. And maybe have some compassion or understanding of issues other new parents may have to deal with.

LOLZ at this thread 🤣

Yes, OP was mega criiiiinge to make this post in the tone she did, and maybe is new to MN.

But she’s not wrong. Babies shouldn’t ruin GOOD relationships. They will absolutely fucking DESTROY a fragile one.

I know plenty of friends who felt the bio clock ticking and had a kid with who they were with at the time. Those relationships are absolutely shit. Beyond shit - abject misery.

But a good relationship, where there is real love and attraction can absolutely get better when tested.

Anyway, good for you OP. But it was never going to go well on here 🤣

I don't think people are reacting to you having sex, I think they're reacting to this: "I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies."

Have you really spent almost a year among other new mothers hearing about birth injuries, postnatal depression, birth trauma, sleep deprivation, seismic life changes, and still genuinely don't understand why relationships can suffer, because you put on lingerie and all is well?

Really?

Why did his former relationship end?

Honestly, what was the point of your post?

Ah your other thread explains a lot

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5064554-bringing-up-exs-family

Good luck, you’re going to need it

You are attributing all of your relationship success to fucking. I don't think that makes a relationship successful. Although, it's a bonus.

I think relationships fail after having a baby due to lack of fairness for the most part. If you actually read the posts fairness is a huge issue. Aso, domestic abuse against women often starts in pregnancy so you need to consider that as well.

I think when people have a baby some mens lifes don't change at all. They do their 9-5 and their job is done. They don't do housework because the woman's been home all day. Their hobbies don't change. Their social life doesn't change. Their financial situation doesn't change. Their working the next day so they often don't get up in the night.

However, many women take maternity leave. They take a financial hit because their incomes are reduced. They become the primary parent. They have no social life. Their job doesnt end at 5. They don't get to sleep because they don't have work in the morning. Their lives actually change drastically. On top of that they are dealing with hormones, body changes ect.

I think the expectation for men and women are very different. Men get praised for everything they do even it's the bare minimum of parenting. While, no one notices what a woman is doing because it's still perceived as her job.

I actually did want to see what other people said and went through but it typcial mumnets fashion it’s a pile on of bitterness, sarcasm, taking the piss and general unwell wishes of ‘I hope this happens you, and that happens you’ and the plethora of shit (and some funny) assumptions. Why do we hate when women are able to just get on? Or be happy? Ps I read someone said about bragging about getting back to their pre baby weight. I did yes. In fact I’m half a stone lighter than I was when baby was conceived but I had anorexia in the past so I put it down to that. Don’t always assume other factors are so rosy. In fact, it makes me thankful than hubby and I have such a good relationship because other things haven’t been as easy.

This info makes the original post even sadder, not quite the wholesome life it wanted to portray, sad..

How is that remotely similar?

Definitely not. Wise up.

I don't believe that you genuinely "didn't understand" tbh

It is sad.
Also, OP, you said that you're waiting for a diagnosis of BPD, so you've obviously had some problems to manage. I hope that you get help soon and are supported by your husband.

Taking the piss out of a deadly mental health disorder - classy

You said you’re about to get a BPD diagnosis, you’ve got a difficult relationship with two step kids, why would anyone be bitter? I feel sorry for you.

I think this post is you kidding yourself that your life is charmed when it’s clearly very far from that and you have some serious mental health issues. No one is assuming that factors are rosy - you’ve come on here trying to kick other people down!

😂😂😂😂😂

Yes some relationships don’t make it because the father isn’t going to step up, we see a lot of that on here. But after my first it was comparatively easy, he was an easy baby (and an easy teenager thank god) but my second was the one I nearly lost my shit over. I hated my husband skipping off to work each day, and his job is hellish so not an easy thing to skip to, but I still hated him for it!

Don’t be smug too early.

PND is also a serious mental health issue, but you can’t possibly fathom how this could affect marriages.

You do realise lots of people have no outside support, are exhausted, struggling financially, suffer severe birth injuries which make sex very difficult for a long time. The list goes on and on and on...

That's not what she's doing. Wise up.

Oh love, I do think you sound blessed, lucky, happy and that's fantastic. However, I noticed in your OP that when you spoke about why your relationship hadn't changed, it was only relating to sex. That it was you making the effort and he what? Thanked you? Is that your responsibility? This feeling you have now and him placing so much on YOU keeping things 'normal' will stay with you and what happens if you become ill or life does become too much? You will always feel like you need to 'perform' even though you are enjoying it now and love the connection it brings.

What do you think about the many reasons other posters have mentioned, as to why relationships often change after a baby? Or did you just post to tell us about your life and not really care about finding out why other relationships change?
That's strange in itself to come on to a site where so many women are suffering from abuse in their own homes to tell them they just didn't try hard enough. Sometimes they have tried too damn hard and lost themselves in the process.
Anyway, I wish you continued good health and happiness. Try not to judge other women though and perhaps have a think about why you have.

Ah, like all the arguments you both have, are they the not easy bit?

"I don't understand how people can neglect their bodies so badly that they develop anorexia. How can't they not keep a healthy relationship with their body and keep a healthy weight? How can they not they are killing themselves?"