To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

OP, I just took a look at your other thread. Not too long ago you "lost your rag" with your husband and some issue with your husband's children. It appears that lingerie isn't the universal panacea it's cracked up to be, is it?

Don’t mock it until you have tried it!

As a first time mum and Dad we were imagining sunshine and rainbows, a baby that would sleep in his cot and not have to take wakeful shifts with him so he would sleep. A baby who didn’t contract Covid at 5 weeks old, then Bronchitis weeks after.

We thought we would have family round us that would help, time to do what use to make us happy. Enough money to make ends meet, then the bills sky rocket and we are left with literally pennies when the mortgage goes out!

Stress and sleep deprivation is a killer, is a major factor to why so many relationships don’t last after having a baby. There’s many times my husband and I have cracked since our baby was born, but we have always taken a step back and talked. Our son is 9 months old now, it's getting easier but still stressful.

I think those with helpful extended families tend to help the couples last in their relationships. Nuclear families have it considerably harder. In very general terms that is.

After a year we were stronger than ever, but the first 6 months were intense. A baby with silent reflux is no joke.

I have a colleague who says that nothing tests a relationship like having a second child. If you had a relatively easy first baby then it's the second baby that adds the complications and if you had a difficult first baby it's how you deal with those feelings being brought to the foreground again.

Well many many women experience significant damage during labour that would cause pain/more damage if jumping straight into bed with their partners in weeks after.

About a third of women have csections which is a major surgery and 6 weeks is the recommended recovery time.

Its also recommended to have your baby sleep in a cot in the same room as you for the first six months to reduce the risk of SIDS which might also put a dampener on sexy lingerie time for some people.

Once your toddler is running around barging in on everything you do I’d be interested to see how the dynamic changes.

I think op you're being incredibly goady and slightly dim if I'm being 100% honest.

Your post has the equivalent grace and smugness of;

Me parking my brand spanking new 'Rarri (ferrari for the plebs) in the Parish Hall car park, where the food bank is. I just don't understand how those pensioners can be so unsteady on their feet in the Waitrose car park.

I'm now going to strut my shit in my 'Boutins back to said 'Rarri, giving faux sympathetic smiles and understanding looks to those improverished people using the food bank, while I try to stuff my £200 weekly shop into the boot of the car. Trying to understand just where they went wrong in life.

But wait, I can't. The husbands golf clubs are still in there...Cue meltdown

You may have not returned to work yet, had the toddler years, the freaking 4s, possible sen, ttc another and all the issues that may entail, another child, moving house, dry patches, financial issues etc. You also clearly have help and outside support if you're able to leave your baby to go out for date nights. Value the shit out of that, because it's rare!

Life and your relationship can change at the drop of a hat, yes by all means enjoy what you have and your happiness but do understand that you may be in a fortunate position now but the future is unknown. Compassion, understanding, and respecting that others may not have it as easy as you have will impress your peers much more.

FWIW, I have had both. A failing relationship and a stronger one after having my dc. I wouldn't change either experience because they have helped formed and shaped me into the woman, mother and wife I am today.

god I love when people are cocky about how amazing they are at parenting, when they’ve got one very small healthy baby.

you are going to be violently humbled in the next few years and everyone around you will enjoy seeing it

Just count your lucky stars, perhaps with the birth you had and your baby and maybe your circumstances. These all make an huge difference as to whether it’s picture book lovely or a complete nightmare. Plus I remember at 11 months with ours it was generally all roses anyway, they hadn’t got to the exhausting stage, one of them carried on being quite easy too. Just enjoy it all while the sun is shining, but yes with kids do often change things for very understandable reasons

I would explore how you've reached adulthood without having a good understanding of the various life situations people find themselves in, and the serious lack of empathy. There are plenty of us in your fortunate position, you just don't tend to hear from people on an online forum who are happily navigating life. It is odd to feel the need to start such a smug post, without realising the negative impact it could have on others not so fortunate.

There are also those sad unfortunates amongst us, who choose a man who is little more than a child and incapable in so many ways, or just plain nasty, but not at first.
A thousand reasons really

Never mind a baby, I couldn’t be with a man who said something so deeply cringey.

80% of marriages end following the death of one of their children. Do you think all those couples had "bad relationships"? Or do you think relationships can be perfectly good for one set of circumstances, but not up to the challenges presented by another?

A LOT of relationships go south after kids, financial difficulty, health problems etc. Life throws a lot of shit at people. If the only relationships we deem "good enough" are the ones that survived ALL of it unscathed, we are setting an extremely high and unpredictable bar, and I think it is worth reflecting on the element of luck at play before crowing about it.

I don't find it cringey but I find it a bit worrying that he seems to think the answer to a relationship staying healthy in the face of change and challenge is nothing more than the woman making sure to continue to be sexually available. I do think you need sex to sustain a relationship but he sounds like one of those men who doesn't understand where foreplay actually starts.

So you have a baby that reliably sleeps enough for you to have hot lingerie sex. I’m pleased for you. I’m sure you can imagine, and this thread will have detailed, the gazillion reasons, often outside of any kind of control, that other couples are not so fortunate.

I hope it continues with this baby and any subsequent ones. No need to wish ill on anyone, but potentially wish for a bit of self awareness. I spent hours scrolling MN looking for any clues with my baby DS when he would scream for hours on end all night. Turned out he had severe ASD and yes, my marriage did end 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gosh this is smug

last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

You come across a bit smug about the sex and dressing up but the thing is, it just makes me think it's a "special occasion" kind of deal. That he felt the need to comment and you to post about it on here. Wait till you hear that we've got 4 kids of our own, we are respite foster carers for babies and we still do it most nights. 😏

This is bullshit. He never placed any expectation on it and it was never discussed. I just, after I had the baby, wanted to ensure we were still romantic and just weren’t mummy and daddy. Jesus I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all. Obviously our relationship has changed since baby but I love the fact we aren’t completely different people, we still fancy each other etc.

You dont complain online or IRL if your having issues so of course your going to hear more bad than good

It's a rare poster that has zero issues

OP - are you being a little disingenuous then?!

My partner and I are lucky really, we don't have ex-spouses and the arguments and negotiations that go along with that.

I can't imagine being with a man who has previously vowed to spend his whole life with someone else, for better or worse, and then they divorced. Shows how much of a liar he can be! (Not really but you get my point OP - no relationship is perfect, including yours).

If your NOT having issues >sigh<

julll

I know what you mean. Not in the relationship context but in coping with a baby context. I found it easy/no harder than my usual work. Nobody likes to hear it so you’re better keeping things to yourself.

I agree. I actually found it easier than my usual work. Most people I know didn't find as difficult as some do.
But what's the point of posting that?

AIBU
Everything's going fine since I had my baby. What did I do so right?

Anybody with any empathy/imagination will realise that people are more likely to post if there are problems to ask for advice/support/ just to vent.
It's not that "nobody wants to hear that", but many people may resent any implication that they must be doing something wrong and the person finding things fine doing something right, rather than it just being pure dumb luck.

I'm afraid I don't believe the OP posted in a spirit of genuine enquiry - it was the equivalent of a teenager telling their mates they did it last night.
The only difference being that at least the teen's mates might have a flicker of interest.

More like bollocks!

"Thank you for making sure we didn't lose us"!

Wtf talks like that?

Is it code for wife puts in all the effort so that husband doesn't look elsewhere?

Who wants to be married to a man like that?

Oof you really should have name changed, your other thread is interesting though.
BTW, the ex's family, the ex he has two DC with, the one you're arguing about, they are going nowhere.