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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bringing up ex's family

13 replies

lighttheresomewhere · 29/04/2024 08:46

For context, my husband and I have been married for just over a year, have a 10 month old baby and he has two children from previous relationship that we see EOW.

I wasn't the other woman but his ex and family think that i was because I knew of DH before we got together but we weren't close or anything. Anyway, the family of the ex have given us dogs abuse over the years - name calling, social media slandering, inappropriate texts, prank calling, corning my DH in shops and loudly trying to discuss our business. They've been a nightmare. I can hand on heart say we haven't retaliated or reciprocated because it frightens me to be brutally honest (was brought up in a lot of conflict so it makes my stomach turn). I'm not on social media and i try to avoid conflict at all costs.

Anyway, the two step children often carry stories back and forth, fair enough, they're children at the end of the day and they play their parents off against each other - again, fair enough. However, for this reason coupled with the inappropriate behaviour to date by ex's family we tend to tread carefully if the children mention ex's family.

This is where I could be being unreasonable. there's been a few occasions where DH has asked about the family, where they're going out to, what are they doing etc? I told him this isn't appropriate and we should just focus on ourselves, be polite to the children when they talk about ex's family but don't elaborate if that makes sense.

DH has done it a couple of times now and I lost my rag yesterday after he done it again. Before anyone says i'm being possessive or anything like that he is friendly with another ex's brother because they were friends before that and I have absolutely no issue with that whatsoever, it's just this particular family.

I am waiting (and most likely will be diagnosed with) on a BPD diagnosis so i don't know if I'm being warped or I'm being reasonable to be annoyed.

Please no sarcasm or hate please, head's a bit fragile at the minute.

OP posts:
AGlinnerOfHope · 29/04/2024 08:51

I would say both things are true at the same time.

It’s not unreasonable for him to ask about things which are important to his dc.
It’s not unreasonable for you to worry about that.

The proactive thing to do is discuss with him whether it’s helpful to do that and agree together the approach. If he still wants to talk to them about it, you can specify that he doesn’t do it in front of you.

Leave the room if he does. It’s not reasonable to lose your rag and definitely not in front of the children.

lighttheresomewhere · 29/04/2024 08:52

To be fair I didn’t infront of the children. It was when they went home. I wouldn’t argue infront of them, they’ve had enough of that in their life.

its happened before and we’ve discussed it and DH agreed it’s not appropriate and he agreed with me yesterday it wasn’t appropriate but Im fed up at having to tell him, he’s a grown man and we’ve had this argument before.

OP posts:
lighttheresomewhere · 29/04/2024 08:53

Also they aren’t important to DC. Can’t say too much for fear of outing, he asked something which was absolutely and completely nothing to do with him just to be nosey.

OP posts:
Catza · 29/04/2024 09:01

Why do you think it is inappropriate to ask? I know quite a few people I wouldn't particularly want to bump into in a shop but I see no issue in someone having a discussion about them. I am not sure why you would be upset about it?
Are you worried that your husband is not supportive of you when it comes to his ex family? Is that what it is?

BiIIIie · 29/04/2024 09:04

He can ask his children about that if he likes, I think YABU.

AGlinnerOfHope · 29/04/2024 09:06

So, assuming it’s as you describe I agree with you- he’s showing lack of control and it’s effectively using the children to satisfy his own nosiness. He isn’t teaching them anything helpful with that and it is a blurred boundary.

However you can’t actually control anyone else so you have to find your own way to handle it.

You could say one more time that it’s bad for the kids to do this and that you’ll remind him of he’s crossing that line. You can remind him by
saying something like ‘come on, DP, I bet the kids would rather x,y,z…’.
leaving the room
just cutting across him with ‘right, who wants a milk shake! DP, how about you go and make some drinks for the DC?!’ Etc.

lighttheresomewhere · 29/04/2024 09:10

It’s more not wanting to feed into giving the family any ammunition. The kids carry stories back and forth ALL the time. ‘My mummy said you’re this, my uncle said you’re that’ I just don’t want DH asking about them in any capacity.

OP posts:
lighttheresomewhere · 29/04/2024 09:15

For the record my husband agrees it's not appropriate but he's saying 'i've said sorry so move on' but it's happened a few times now

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/04/2024 09:20

I told him this isn't appropriate and we should just focus on ourselves, be polite to the children when they talk about ex's family but don't elaborate if that makes sense

Telling him you don't like it is fine. Telling him it's 'inappropriate' is making your feelings into a rule he's meant to be following: he isn't, and you don't set the rules for how he behaves with his family. He's allowed to think that something is inappropriate but still do it. You are allowed to not like it.

Stop trying to be right, and start trying to find a middle ground, emotionally, with him. People in healthy relationships endeavour to relate to each other. You are doing the opposite, and insisting that his view is 'wrong'.

lighttheresomewhere · 29/04/2024 09:38

Watchkeys · 29/04/2024 09:20

I told him this isn't appropriate and we should just focus on ourselves, be polite to the children when they talk about ex's family but don't elaborate if that makes sense

Telling him you don't like it is fine. Telling him it's 'inappropriate' is making your feelings into a rule he's meant to be following: he isn't, and you don't set the rules for how he behaves with his family. He's allowed to think that something is inappropriate but still do it. You are allowed to not like it.

Stop trying to be right, and start trying to find a middle ground, emotionally, with him. People in healthy relationships endeavour to relate to each other. You are doing the opposite, and insisting that his view is 'wrong'.

But he agreed it was inappropriate. He’s not annoyed that we’ve agreed not to do that, he’s annoyed that I won’t let it drop after he’s apologied. I’m holding on to it because it’s not the first time it’s happened.

OP posts:
AGlinnerOfHope · 29/04/2024 09:55

lighttheresomewhere · 29/04/2024 09:38

But he agreed it was inappropriate. He’s not annoyed that we’ve agreed not to do that, he’s annoyed that I won’t let it drop after he’s apologied. I’m holding on to it because it’s not the first time it’s happened.

So that’s great, you agree.

Now you need to agree what to do when people forget to stick to the agreement.

People do make mistakes.
You can’t undo the mistake. It’s not something that can be undone.
You can’t keep punishing someone for the same mistake.

So you have to let it go.

What would you need before you would feel ready to ‘stop going on about it’?

lighttheresomewhere · 29/04/2024 09:59

I honestly don’t know. I’m just hurt that this is (of the top of my head) about the 4th time it’s happened. If it was the first, fair enough. Second, ok everyone makes mistakes but Christ Almighty. Either he’s not in agreement with me which I just wish he would communicate if he wasn’t. He says he is so I really don’t understand how it keeps happening. I’ve literally said to him if I’m being unreasonable then tell me but he agrees with me?? Heads actually splitting

OP posts:
AGlinnerOfHope · 29/04/2024 12:38

Not wishing to be your therapist or anything, but it seems to me you are expecting him to behave rationally and consistently. It’s really reasonable, yet people generally don’t.

Do some yoga/have a cuppa/ go for a walk or something, and ponder the bizarreness that is human nature.

I am significantly happier since I’ve accepted that there’s ’nowt so queer as folk’ and let it all wash over me.

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