Restaurant row who is at fault?

[Polishedshoesalways]

Out with friends in a restaurant last night - six of us in total. Two of my friends were light heatedly disagreeing about gender politics between them. They were not bothering anyone else.

Friend x suddenly shouts at them quite aggressively and loudly to ‘shut up’

Loud enough for the tables around us to stop and stare.

Would you think this is rude? She was not part of the conversation at the time.

The table sat in stunned silence after that. It’s now really awkward. She hasn’t apologised or acknowledged that shouting or shutting a conversation down like that isn’t cool. The friends in question seem offended.

What do you think? Do they have a point?
Are you okay with being told to shut up?

Keep this stuff private.
I'm not interested in anxiously jumping up in situations and places like this.
Full stop.

If this really was out of character, my mind would go to either some kind of sign of stress/heading towards a breakdown or possibly even a sign of early onset dementia. It's not normal for someone to just shout "shut up" in a restaurant, even if they are quite blunt/quite a dominant character.

It bothers me a lot. No awareness really registering.

I can’t think of a single topic that would require that response, no.

It did cross my mind but she sounds completely fine, chirpy even.

Honestly. I’m so glad my friendship,circle of the same time frame, is so much more forgiving. I’d hate to be you and your friends, friend . We all care for each other, all have occasionally stepped out of line. But our friendship takes precedence,and we care for each other. You don’t. You’re judgey and harsh, it’s who you are. After 30 years; it’s who you are. Crack on, with your comments on here, your judgement. Your harshness. I can on;y be thankful I don’t have friends like you op.

Me too

Me three. Only because I know I’m not perfect. I’ve said shit I shouldn’t have said, but my friends, are true friends, and we take time to understand what happened and why . The op, and her intolerant judgey cohorts, I wouldn’t behave like them and I’m so glad my own friends don’t, but it’s wh9 they are, and if restaurant woman is out due to it,then she’s had a lucky escape from these people.

Me too

I would be authentically excluding her from the holiday. She sounds like one of those people who pride themselves on plain speaking as some sort of excuse for saying hurtful or rude things. Yes, if she had a stressful moment and apologised to the people involved I would feel differently. But she thinks that screeching like a banshee at friends in a restaurant with no prior warning because she doesn't like the topic of conversation is perfectly acceptable behaviour.

X sounds like a dick and unhinged . So she wanted to talk about something else, what makes her think her topic was so interesting and that other people do not have a right to talk about whatever they want.
Id totally go on on a trip without her...

Since she thinks it's fine to behave like that and enjoys telling it like it is then she would be a raging hypocrite to not expect the same back, right?

So tell her that people now don't want to go on the trip because of her outburst so it's being postponed while everyone figures out how they now feel.

You can't be an outspoken person who is authentic and tells it as it is or whatever bullshit she came out with and also be a delicate little flower everyone's got to tiptoe round, so tell her with the straightness she loves so much.

If she doesn't like it, tough shit. Point out her hypocrisy.

I was chatting about this thread & joking about the fact you're all in your 50s & maybe she's (peri)menopausal, & someone suggested maybe she's gone a bit deaf! It can be hard to make out conversation against background noise, & you said (a) the restaurant was noisy (b) two people on your table were having a different convo to the one she was joining in with & (c) she lives alone now her kids have gone to uni (I think). If she's used to a silent house & then suddenly she's in a noisy space & struggling to hear & say what she wants to, that might've irritated or frustrated her. It doesn't excuse her thinking she's in the right, though.

This is such a classic AIBU thread - we've have ND, early onset dementia & superiority-&-moral-high-ground-claiming in the responses. I haven't RTFT - has anyone said to the OP, 'You don't seem to like your friend very much & she probably doesn't like you'? If they have then let me be the first to shout, "BINGO!".😂

@ifIwerenotanandroid I think you completed the bingo card with peri. 🙄

Noone would yell at me to shut up like that to the extent it shocks neighbouring tables and get away with it I'm afraid.
No apology No friendship
Totally unacceptable way to behave

Some things you should keep to yourself. And any ageism is one of them.

@Spinningroundahelix 'She sounds like one of those people who pride themselves on plain speaking as some sort of excuse for saying hurtful or rude things.'

I'm only surprised she didn't preface her excuses with 'Ah'm from Yorkshire, Ah speak as Ah find...'. Then again, maybe she did & the OP is just paraphrasing:

'Tried to approach friend x and she says it’s no big deal she was just expressing herself authentically. '

The irony meter has just exploded

I think something happened leading up to the outburst. Did she try to get them to change the subject and was ignored? Did she try to offer an opinion and again got ignored? I think in similar situation if two of a party of 6 were rabbiting on about something and refusing to take hints to include everyone in the discussion, then eventually I'd be tempted to tell them to shut up. I think the two who were dominating the conversation were being pretty rude too.

I think the two who were dominating the conversation were being pretty rude too.

From what the OP said, they weren't, they were just talking together and others at the table were having separate conversations.

Darling, I waved my fertility goodbye a loooooong time ago.😂

It's how I know the stresses being peri can add to your life.

What you're assuming happened is not what the OP has said happened (in additional posts). But there are a lot of steps & alternative actions before you get to shouting, "SHUT UP!!" at two old friends, so loudly that silence falls on the surrounding tables too.

Agree friend was rude to shout and say ‘shut up’. Outside the ‘social norm’, unless perhaps what the people were saying risked offending others within earshot.

It can sometimes be tiresome if people get into long 1:1 chats at group things, and / or repeatedly raise topics others don’t want to discuss, but that doesn’t excuse the shouting/shut up’.

It's absolutely fine to say someone is being offensive, or inappropriate, or putting you off your dinner. And in a group that's been friends for 30 years you should also be able to say that a topic is boring you to tears and can we please talk about something else for a bit.

But the key word there is 'say' - and you need to be explicit about the problem, not just tell people to to stop talking altogether. And definitely not lean across the table and shout aggressively.

My DM loudly told a family member’s guest to shut up when out at lunch: the guest was being loudly, overtly racist. That was justified IMO.